The Internet Chronicle, long believed to be a disinformation platform and an injection point for feds wishing to contact the internet’s top hackers, was confirmed Friday to be cooperating with lead psychological operators who cut their teeth on groups like LulzSec and Lizard Squad.
Agent Robert Smith confirmed the leaks after Anonymous investigators confronted him with the documents outside FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
The documents show snitch-ass writers hatesec and kilgoar were entrapped by the amazingly talented writer Tyler Bass, who never approved of their brand of “comedy” and would often publish 150-inch paragraphs inundated with references only he understood. Years later, however, the hidden significance of his important works manifested in the form of handcuffs around his former colleagues.
“We were always there when the party was busted,” kilgoar said. “But we walked. We always walked, until that fateful day when we came across old man Eddie. We were going through some fields, following a trail of psychedelic mushrooms when we came across a holler full of marijuana and an old man pointing a gun at us from a seemingly abandoned house.“
“Hatesec smooth talked our way right into that man’s dilapidated parlor, and seeing my fiddle, the old man puts the gun down and whips out his banjo, starts playing some ethereal ambience. I strained to follow the music, which could only exist in this forgotten place and was so distant from anything I’d previously imagined. Eddie said he was the oldest man in West Virginia, 115 years. But our walk could not have possibly taken us as far as West Virginia, and by appearance he was no older than 90, so maybe he was confused on that point. So we get to jamming, but it was hard for me to follow him and I asked him what key he’s playing in. He gets to talking about how the atmosphere is a secret that will die with him, and I just shrug and try to find some simple melody that will go along. He got aggravated by this, scowling as soon as it started to sound halfway right, and might have picked up his gun if I had continued. He said to me, ‘The trick is it’s tuned to the resonance of yonder,’ as he gestured toward the mountains with his banjo. ‘But it really ain’t tuning, not properly.'”
“Over the next several hours we learned that he had invented many common jokes and sayings, including ‘barn burner’, claiming that he was indeed the man who had lit the proverbial fire with a bottle of moonshine and a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun loaded with Dragon’s Breath. At this image, hatesec brought up the CEO of Lebal Drocer, Raleigh Sakers, as this was his favorite way of burning evidence. At the mention of his name, Eddie’s hospitality was shattered. ‘I taught Raleigh everything he knows, and then some! That little son of a bitch betrayer! Did he send you? Did he?'”
“Eddie whipped out his double barrel, got on the phone with the local sheriff, and the next thing you know that fat bald fucker hit us with 115 counts of trespassing, one for each year of Eddie’s life, he tells us this, and he’s set our bail in the billions, as a gag. Raleigh is on the phone screaming about how he’s going to have Eddie’s cabin droned. Turns out old man Eddie is the mastermind behind QAnon, the alt right, and things much less wholesome than a lil ol’ barn burner, and he’s been manipulating Tyler Bass against us for years.”
The entire staff of Internet Chronicle is now facing over 20,000 years in jail, simply for clicking a link.
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