Author: Cheetah Mogul

NORFOLK, VA. — Tuesday, Republican President Candidate Mitt Romney’s second impromptu “relief rally” gathered supplies specifically for naval defense contractors and members of the Republican Party affected by Hurricane Sandy.

Four-thousand-dollar cash handouts were disbursed to  naval defense contractors in Norfolk, including leaflets promising future federal grants for shipbuilding and arms construction. Party members in other swing states ravaged by Hurricane Sandy have also been given massive bonuses to deliver canned food and other survival supplies in their last leg of canvasing — but only for those who promise to vote Republican.

“The government can’t create jobs like the private defense industry can,” said the former Massachusetts governor, struggling to energize the base for the polls by November 6th, “but President Obama’s anti-security agenda is placing a stranglehold on the thousands of Virginians struggling to keep their businesses profitable. This disaster is an opportunity. The defense contractors of the Commonwealth of Virginia don’t have time to wait for President Obama’s big-government trickle-down economics.”

Arriving in sport utility vehicles bearing yellow support-our-troops bumper sticks, thousands of the nation’s premier naval armament designers and GOP members came to receive their government handouts. Fifty workers, recently laid off from Freeport, Illinois’ Sensata facility by Bain Capital and replaced by their new Chinese masters, were contracted to load the “precious cargo” of levonorgestrel, whey, “nonbrewed drinks” and bullion into the backs of their respective petrol-guzzling automotive powerhouses.

When servicemen and servicewomen, struggling to relieve themselves of the blight and destruction that Sandy wracked across the Eastern Seaboard, showed up with more modest Dodge Durangos, Former Governor Romney urged them to contact their congressmen for more immediate federal help.

“When big government shakes its head at us,” said Mr. Romney, his gray-freckled hair blown aloft from his temples by the wrath of God, “it’s important that private-sector Americans, the real job creators, bind together to provide a real system of welfare that won’t enable a systemic entitlement culture. Naval contractors of Virginia, brothers and sisters, we’ve got to work together to fight the failed disaster relief policies of this administration!”

The crowd — the men wearing NASCAR sweatshirts and sweatpants; the women bearing the same, only of stitched kittens with balls of yarn — cheered loudly in response.

Kristy Dietrich, a 27-year-old mother of five, expressed her gratitude to the Romney campaign, saying, “I want to thank John Sununu and everybody else in Boston who’s really taken a step out to provide us all of this venture capital. We thought we were going to have to hold off on that fishing trip in early December, but thanks to Mitt we know that we’ll be able to hold onto the family values that keep Americans together.” She added, “Why is it Colin Powell and the rest of them feel like it’s OK to vote for one of them, but when we do it it’s wrong or something? What is going on with this country?”

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, President Obama’s rightful place as commander-in-chief has been boldly and successfully challenged by Romney’s privately organized relief plan. This has thrown the very necessity of government aid during disaster into question. “Surely if Romney can execute such a masterful relief effort without holding office, there can’t be much reason for him to actually hold office,” said Democratic Strategist Chris Hayes of MSNBC’s “Up with Chris Hayes.”