Author: Kilgoar

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News Science

HURRICANE SANDY WREAKS SAVAGE DESTRUCTION

SANDY EXPLODES NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — HURRICANE SANDY HAS SWEPT THE NORTHEAST, LEAVING A TRAIL OF INCOMPARABLE DESTRUCTION. A COMBINATION OF HIGH TIDE AND STORM SURGE HAS FLOODED THE MONTAUK AND OYSTER CREEK NUCLEAR FACILITIES,  NOW REPORTEDLY AT SUPERCRITICAL MASS. MELTDOWN IS IMMINENT, AND AREA RESIDENTS ARE BEING FORCEFULLY EVACUATED TO NEARBY FEMA CAMPS.

THE CONEY ISLAND HOSPITAL HAS CAUGHT FIRE AND THE FDNY IS UNABLE TO RESPOND BECAUSE BRIDGES HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN DUE TO HIGH WINDS AND FLOODING.

UPDATE: THIS CONEY ISLAND FIRE RUMOR MAY HAVE BEEN A HOAX BUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT IT IS A HOAX MAY ITSELF BE A HOAX. THERE IS TOO MUCH MAYHEM TO TELL. HACKERS MAY HAVE INFILTRATED THE TWITTER ACCOUNTS OF ALL LOCAL AUTHORITIES. TRUST NOTHING BUT THE INFALLIBLE CHRONICLE.SU

FACILITIES HOUSING NUCLEAR WEAPONS HAVE BEEN FLOODED, AND SCIENTISTS FEAR AN ACCIDENTAL DETONATION DUE TO THE NEUTRON-INSULATING PROPERTIES OF SALT WATER.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME UNLESS IT IS ON FIRE OR IN THE DIRECT GAMMA RADIATION ZONE OF THE NUCLEAR INCIDENTS, AND THEN ONLY WITH USE OF A RADIATION SUIT. A MAKESHIFT RADIATION SUIT MAY BE CONSTRUCTED WITH DUCT TAPE AND ALUMINUM FOIL. RESCUE TEAMS HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO MOBILIZE SO THE NATIONAL GUARD AND THE FEMA YOUTH CORPS HAVE BEEN ACTIVATED. MARTIAL LAW HAS BEEN DECLARED IN 14 STATES. COOPERATE WITH FEMA IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WILL BE SHOT.

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Entertainment News

‘N Sync announces reunion tour

Boy Band ‘N Sync has arranged a tour of the United States and South America to kick off in the summer of 2013

INTERNET — ‘N Sync, famed “Boy Band” heart-throbs of the ’90s, have signed on for a Summer 2013 tour to span the whole Western Hemisphere. J.C. Chasez denied rumors of such a reunion tour earlier this year, and other members have made similar statements to the media in the past. It is not immediately clear what changed the musicians’ minds, but some industry specialists speculate the explosive interest in second-hand copies of their albums in developing countries may be a reason for the reunion.

Especially under the repressive dictatorships of Rafael Correa and Hugo Chavez, ‘N Sync is finding thousands of new South American fans every day. “It’s like the ’90s just hit Venezuela, and the kids there can’t get enough of ‘N Sync. Perhaps the lighthearted bubblegum R&B gives the downtrodden and oppressed a vision of greener pastures,” said Ursula Fulton, pop culture expert at New York University’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education and Human Development.

Members of ‘N Sync are yet to comment on the upcoming tour, but the aged fans at home in America are absolutely excited at the prospect of a nostalgic reliving of the halcyon days of the ’90s, when all was right with the world.

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News Obituaries Society Status Quo

Felicia Garcia pulls an Amanda Todd

Get used to the Teenage Female Bullying-Suicide Heroes

NEW YORK — Fifteen-year-old Amanda-Todd-Wannabe Felicia Garcia jumped in front of a train after vicious bullying, following her appearance in a football team gangbang video passed around her high school. The male members of the gangbang were greeted with high fives and mute admiration from school teachers who saw the video. Over 200 of Garcia’s classmates were present at the suicide.

Knowing, from the example of Amanda Todd, that her death would lead to unlimited posthumous social acceptance in the face of bottomless rejection by the repressive sex-negative culture of America, Garcia threw herself into the train with cold confidence, by all accounts.

“Just before she fell, she said, ‘Finally, it’s here,’” said Brager. “It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen.”

This is yet more undeniable proof that a firm clampdown on freedom of speech should take place immediately. Young girls are going to start dropping off like lemmings because of this totally brand-new phenomenon of “slut-shaming” that never existed before Anonymous comments on the Internet. The oncoming string of teenage suicides has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the worship of Amanda Todd.