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Entertainment Obituaries

Ashton Kutcher collapses on set of Two and a Half Men, dies

Not enough Tiger Blood?

HOLLYWOOD – Earlier this morning Ashton Kutcher stepped onto the set of Two and a Half Men and into the shoes of Charlie Sheen, only to collapse and die within an hour. Two and a Half Men is the greatest television program of all time.

Kutcher arrived to his first day on set drunk and accompanied by a cadre of male porn stars. Before shooting a single scene, he reportedly tried to “bang 7 gram rocks” in an attempt to live up to the bombastic performance of Sheen. Kutcher’s face was entirely melted before medics arrived. They were unable to revive him.

“You’d think it’d be a half-ass job for any experienced actor to play a smarmy, cock-sure bachelor in a bowling shirt on television. That’s not the case,” commented Sheen, “that pathetic little troll has no Tiger Blood! I told you nobody could handle a dose of Charlie Sheen!”

Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen’s disintegrating acting career has devolved to the lowest level: YouTube and Twitter. Sheen’s Twitter account, the fastest growing in the history of mankind, avoids all the self-destructive fun and serves only to promote his new “jeered-off-stage” comedy tour.

Hollywood elites have approved a new Blu-Ray version of Apocalypse Now: Special Edition, in which Martin Sheen’s face is modified with CGI to look like his son, Charlie, the greatest actor of all time. Charlie Sheen refused to accept any payment for this role except in the form of the purest Colombian Cocaine from his favorite artisan Cocainery.

Ashton Kutcher will not be missed.

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Hate

Barack's Dox!

http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact

DO NOT USE THE CAPTCHA ON WHITEHOUSE.GOV. THEY WILL INFECT YOU WITH COOKIES, TRACKERS, AND YOU DONT EVEN WANT THAT

https://app2.whitehouse.gov/ppo/

http://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/administration-official/ao_image/President_Official_Portrait_HiRes.jpg HI RES!!!!!

You can also call or write to the President:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Please include your e-mail address WTF

Phone Numbers

Comments: 202-456-1111
Switchboard: 202-456-1414
FAX: 202-456-2461

TTY/TDD

Comments: 202-456-6213
Visitors Office: 202-456-2121

lulzlulzlulzlulzlulzhttp://www.whitehouse.gov/issues/president-s-trip-asia-2010aznspr0n

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Categories
Hate

Ryan is the Apocalypse

Some say Ryan is the second coming of Jesus, a heroic character who freed AnonOps from the perils of evil dictatorial rule by scamming his way into a position of trust. There is little doubt that “Ryan” is controlled by a small cabal of namefags such as JoePie, Kilgore Trout, Billy Walshe, Barrett Brown, Owen, Pseudonymous, Ol’ Brutus, Ronny Nitro, and the shadowy James K Galloway, rumored secret CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc.  Sacrificial human offerings are made to the altar of Inglip, a terminal where Kilgore Trout deciphers the thousands of Captchas from AnonNews. Inglip speaks to Trout through this oracle.

Ryan is an 18 year old social engineering prodigy who has been pulled into the cult of Inglip. While Trout will not yet confirm that Ryan is in fact the living embodiment of Inglip, he has stated that Ryan is the most talented prophet since Ol’ Brutus. At only 18, Ryan has been able to scam the owners of AnonOps into finally scaring off their dwindling, concerned membership. Ryan stands as an icon for liberation from the shackles of tyranny.

Ryan continues to perform miracles of doxing and hacking so extraordinary that the Feds have totally ignored him out of awe. Aaron Barr has pledged himself to the service of Ryan, forever. Dare any entity attempt to hack back at Ryan, they will face utmost raepage.

Inglip has predicted that the true messiah should be crucified, on cam, aside George Hotz and Kilgore Trout by suited men in Guy Fawkes masks. From there, Ryan will use his direct video link to hijack the minds of billions of onlookers. Because of the unbalanced massing of consciousness, Ryan will begin to implode and re-trigger the big bang. A better universe will be born, full of trollfaces and rage comics.