axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Law Science

New legislation could silence all animal and wildlife sounds

 

Are you sick of the birds?

Are you tired of hearing those damn stupid crickets?

You did not just tell a bad joke.
It is the crickets who should die.

Your voices have been heard, President Biden said during a Labor Day speech on Monday.

“Who among us has not been affected by this?” he asked a room of confused reporters in the West Wing. “Do you not hear the cicadas right now? Listen, folks.”

Biden is readying the US for an unprecedented confrontation with Nature itself.

State and county leaders are asking constituents to “catch up with progress.”

Some municipalities have done nothing to prepare, while others have put sonic offensive weapons on order, that will drive critters out using frequencies undetectable by the human ear.

The country is responding to a bill moving through congress that would instate a blanket, midnight curfew for all wildlife across the continental United States, ordering the creatures to be quiet, and stay home.

An amendment could extend the legislation to Alaska and Hawaii, where there are fucking loud, continuous ocean noises.

Hawaii state attorney Stan K. Ridgedon said he would be satisfied if he never heard a wave crashing upon the beach again.

“It is powerful legislation, with full bipartisan support,” Ridgedon said. “From the heights of the Rockies to the valleys of ancient Appalachia, they’ve heard enough, and they’re putting a stop to it. We deserve the same rights. Now I’m going to have to call you back, I’m sorry, I can’t hear anything over these fucking seagulls.”

According to the bill, any bugs or animals heard chirping, squeaking, or singing, or is found out after midnight, is to be killed on site, by anyone, by any means necessary.

“We’re going to quieten everything down,” Biden said. “It’s gotten very loud.”

Jeane Paddy, 54, owns a soybean farm and recently bought a fully automatic assault rifle from Walmart. Ralph, a helpful employee, assisted her in fitting a customized holographic scope to the weapon, efficient for killing varmints.

“I’m getting fitted for my bandolier next Tuesday,” Paddy said. “If this is what it’s going to take so I don’t have to hear those songbirds chirping every day then, sweetheart, you can call me Patriot Paddy. We got a war to win.”

The owls over Paddy’s barn, she said, will hoot no more.

The Internet Chronicle was invited out to Paddy’s ranch in Vermont to hear what a difference this bill could make. Sitting across from the staff were Paddy’s children Biff, 12, and Judy, 7. Their faces lit up with hope when the newsmen came to see.

Paddy had them demonstrate lines from Hamlet, in which Biff is starring for a fall production.

After a late dinner, the kids ran around laughing and playing in the yard. Paddy squinted into the sunset, concentrating hard not to hear the birds.

The sun started down, and the mourning doves sang their final tune.

The kids were sent inside to have a snack before bedtime. Paddy, standing by the front door, loaded an extended magazine into her rifle, slung across one shoulder and decorated with Hello Kitty stickers.

With no formality, Paddy quickly went outside. Over the next few minutes, the children finished their cookies and milk in the dining room, and were talking about school, when the conversation was suddenly interrupted by gunfire.

With hands folded on the large oak table in front of them, the light left their eyes for a moment, as the first shot rang out. Judy flinched. Biff stared forward.

Another shot.

The gaze on the children’s faces fell to the table.

Over the next half hour, more than 40 shots were fired as they got themselves ready for bed. Not a word was spoken in the household, as day turned to night.

Another 30 minutes later, and Paddy returned, the hair dancing on her red cheeks in the entrance. She was shaking leaves out of a hat as she closed the door behind her.

“Hear that?” she said with a grin. “All quiet!”

A mass burn event is scheduled for Friday, September 9 at county fairgrounds in various states.

Locals are invited to haul out your kills and chuck ’em on a pile of what is sure to be a lot of dead animal carcasses. Drive on through, or stay and enjoy the burn.

Check your local courthouse for details. Bring the family, but be quiet.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

Kilgoar missing from site after Elon Musk purchases Internet Chronicle

Known genius “kilgoar” has been missing for a short time, and is assumed dead.

INTERNET—After more than three days, authorities have called off the manhunt for kilgoar, as he is assumed dead.

#ForgetKilgoar is trending on Twitter by adherents to Musk brand of nihilism as militia group Muskrats calls for his head on a stake.

Friends and family insist the Internet Chronicle journalist “kilgoar” is still alive, and authorities have hope his remains can be

Kilgoar is gone. Elon Musk bought Chronicle. He is bouncing me on his knee.

Who is kilgoar, anyway?

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Sports

Man seeks garbled mess

INTERNET NEWS—skull fucking race bias and all that
just whatever like you know race riots, proudboi rallies, q anon digs, sweet angel dug me, she dug me good.
all that type of shit fired in rapid succession at the listeners before descending into repetition like some kind of cascading repetitive struggle time and time again, overlapping chain of chaos. madness of the brain sent down for generations.
Just that sort of thing. Do you have that?
I am looking for that type of shit in rapid succession, please, if you will.
(or how we do it DOWN SOUTH: rapid secession)
or how we do it out west:
    
    just owned slaves.
    
    tell you what hoss, how about that?
    
just stuff like that, in rapid secession.
do you have that?

radical nightmare underground thoughts of the curious mind. leader of the incels chemical breakdown. leading from behind

do you have that? check spoken word.
really, literallyyl just anytthing like that. if you have it. doesn’t even have to be that.
Reply “I have that” to [email protected] when you get it