Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Categories
Health

Miracle drug unlocks hellish introspective nightmare

[SPONSORED CONTENT]

What is self-awareness anyway?

A good friend tells you when you’re fuckin up, a bad friend ignores it, and your ENEMY tells everyone else.

Have you ever tried telling somebody something, though, and they just can’t seem to get it through their thick skull?

That’s why we’ve invented Dr. Troubadour’s patented Armstrong Self-Awareness Serum. It grows real, natural self-awareness in 31 days!

Our customers will attest that Dr. Troubadour’s formula-grown self-awareness is the same as real self-awareness.

Ralph Manly, City bus driver who has never used a turn signal

“No more blind spots! I’m in the clear now, and I can finally see what a cold, blind, and unloving man I have been for the last 43 years. I can’t believe it’s not real self-awareness!”

That’s right, folks. No more blind spots, no more snickering behind your back, and no more emotional retardation, all for a flat, low monthly rate. Troubadour’s Self-Awareness Serum is with you for LIFE!

Monica Seward, Librarian with strangely ignorant beliefs

“I’m hooked on awareness. I no longer feel like I need to scan every horizon, because I already know what’s there: Just a bunch of people using people, and who needs that? So long TerrorMax. Hello, S-A Serum!”

Are you sick of always being left on the outside of what’s going on inside? This Troubadour tincture will tickle your fancy! For just $99 American Warbucks a month, you can drink this shit up and see what shit’s holding you down.

Bimmy, a 28-year-old woman-child having absolutely no problem adjusting to her shattered innocence

“I used to blame my lack of development on society, circumstance, and even my family. With Troubadour’s self-awareness serum, now I know the reason I never achieved anything is because I am a talent-less, unmotivated, uninspired, boring person. Thanks, Dr. Troubadour!”

dr troubadour
“Dr. Midnight”

Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. Folks used to tell me I would not amount to anything. If I’d listened to them, they’d be right. But I struck out and carved my own path. Licenses? Peer-review? I bucked the system, and became a doctor my own way. My eyes are open.

You got a lot of nerve walking through life and not even thinking about where you’re stepping. Take my drugs. Grow a perspective!

[Editor’s note: ALL the women i date want to know where this anger is coming from. why so many holes in my drywall? all i want to know is how many holes u got for ME?? PLEASE EMAIL. —Raleigh T. ]

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Categories
Obituaries

Dead and Bloatware: John McAfee dead at 75

BARCELONA — Fans mourn the loss of antivirus magnate John McAfee, who died early Sunday morning at his secret houseboat on the Mediterranean Sea, near Spain.

Goodnight Sweet Prince: 1945 - 2021

1945 – 2021

John was pronounced dead on Wednesday, June 23. Cause of death was listed as “drowning associated with piracy in international waters,” concluded by a burial at sea. He was 75.

John is survived by his wife, Janice McAfee.

Reports have emerged of John McAfee supporters installing McAfee Antivirus on their machines in his honor.

Because no will was entered into the public record, John’s charity for underprivileged children online, The Little Johnny Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to Deep State International for future disbursement to an undisclosed bitcoin address.

Avast, ye Matey!

John, who grew up in Roanoke, Virginia, successfully killed a man in Belize but would later suffer from a damaging tax scandal spanning the world wide. When John recently failed to fake his own death, he was forced into a deadly game of cat-and-mouse, prompting Spanish conspirators to launch pirate ships in his general direction. Now, today, a wife is without her husband.

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Categories
News World

Peasants from around the world want to know: “Who protects the US from abusive cops?”

Because they are used to living in lawless expanse, peasants in developing nations around the world appear to look down on America’s cop crisis with dimwitted superiority.

[Editor’s Note: Sometimes people go online and make shit up]

In their own words, the peon masses submitted their remarks to the Internet Chronicle to pose a timely rhetorical question. We read them, and interpreted them for you here.

  • a peasant in vietnam once asked me if we had a People’s army in the US, I said no, and she was like “what do you have” and I said “you would literally die if i told you”
  • a peasant in newsbekiztan once asked if we had a People’s Army in the United States. I said no, and she was confused because she’s a fucking peasant and I answered her in English
  • a peasant in Myanmar once asked me if we had military coups in the US. I said no, and she was confused because we facilitate coups around the world
  • a piece of bark floating on the surface of an artificial lake asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and it got confused and asked, “then who protects you from abusive cops?” bark has no concept of public policy
  • a simple, pissant, subhuman peon asked if we had a People’s Army in the US. I said no, and she was confused because I projected nobility onto her blank, ignorant expression
  • Little haji in the desert once asked if we have a People’s Army in the US. I said uhhh no? He looked confused as to why I would be so snide toward a starving child with a distended belly. He said “then who protects you from racist cops?”

Peasants might not be educated like us, but they’re so wise!