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Status Quo

PRESSTORM SCRAMBLES TO SUPPRESS TRUTH

Internet– Jamie Jo Corne, real life journalist and publicist for presstorm.com, tragically resorted to posting nude photographs of herself via flickr after church Sunday following a bout with bulimia and self-hatred.

Mr. Corne, the editor of cesstorm who goes by @vincubusdante, came up with the idea while collaborating with outside experts on the matter of manipulating search results to save face and suppress dissent. [LEAKED AUDIO BELOW]

Inside sources close to presstorm suggest editorial duties have fallen upon the ancient @vincubusdante because his babymachine is too busy providing milk to the sucklings to defend herself.

Using Murdoch-approved hacked phone records and coercion techniques, Chronicle.SU recovered the actual phone call taking place between Mr. Corne and the Internet Police:

Leaked Presstorm Audio by ChronicleSU

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News

Own Up To Being Owned

I do believe, if you don’t like things you leave for someplace you’ve never gone before.

bah, bah, bah bah. Ooh. Honey, I found a reason to keep livin’. And you know the reason? Dear, it’s you. And I’ve walked down life’s lonely highways hand in hand with myself. And I realize how many paths have crossed between us.

[pullquote]I do believe you are what you perceive.
What comes is better than what came before.[/pullquote]

The anarchist in me wants to watch it all go to shit. The computer geek doesn’t want to sit up all night with a shotgun pointed out the window. Pointed at the door. Waiting to squeeze the trigger just as soon as I see the rape in my neighbor’s eye. No sir. I like my peace too much for that.

I’d rather repair what’s here. And that’s why I want to catch a congressman – or many – selling their votes. I want to expose the piece of shit legislature owned by multinational corporations. I want to jab a needle right in their fucking eyes so for once they have to smell the sewer they’ve created. The sewer called America.

I want to disown Congress by stealing it. I may be killed. So be it. You know who I am. Know also that I am coming.

Reflecting, I see that you see and we all see it’s just an empty, masturbatory promise; rest assured, I know the guy who knows a guy, and I’m coming in. Meanwhile I too rest assured and remain absolutely positively certain that masturbation comes not without its payoff. I come for a purpose and I’m about to impregnate your whore daughters of the dollar with the cold hard seed of truth and we’re all going down like sun setting on life itself. That’s you. Me, in a blaze of glory. You, in a blaze of flashbulbs and media shame leading up to cancer and prison hospitals. You, in a maximum security hellbox where you’ll spend your days writing to lobbyists and shareholders telling them how bad the food sucks and buying my hit on layaway. Well, let’s do it.

Your days are numbered, capitalist pigs. These anonymous tryhards can blog all they want and I know I get lumped in with them. The difference with me is I am committed to joining your ranks and ousting all of you by becoming one of you. The process has already begun. Funny to me is knowing you won’t read this warning.

See my face up there? Watch for it. I’m nice, I’m funny, I’m a backstabbing sociopath piece of shit and I’m gonna fuck you with a smile. You have two years. And then I’m coming for you.

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News

Did 9/11 Really Happen?

No. As prophesied in the Spring of 2011, the Great and Justifiable Central Intelligence Agency spake thusly: “Leave him alone.”

And it was good. The United States left Osama bin Laden alone so, in spite of his hatred for Freedom, bin Laden elected not to go forth with his plans for a second attack on the World Trade Center in Jew York City.

THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU WHOLESOMELY BY LEBAL DROCER, INC.
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