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Health

Man given clean bill of health after searching symptoms online

Like a rabbit feverishly scampering about, degenerate Jeremy Fisher ran his every sensation through a search engine one night, after smoking too much pot and confronting his own mortality.

The 34-year-old man replaced doctors with websites in 2007, after aging out of his parents’ healthcare and being generally too unlikable for full-time employment which would have afforded him something like insurance. After switching exclusively to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour’s symptom checker, however, Jeremy’s general condition, and overall well-being, improved tenfold, for FREE!

Jeremy Fisher’s face is locked into a permanent, rigid stare after an “epic” symptom search eased his concerns.

“I feel so much better now.”

 

Dr. Troubadour's Symptom Checker will nurture your Internet dependency.
Dr. Troubadour’s Symptom Checker will nurture your Internet dependency.

A series of google searches confirmed his suspicions: That chest sensation was nothing to worry about, and he should really just relax.

“I was up all night, pacing the floor, worrying about it. What is it? Am I gonna die? Is this what dying feels like?”

— Jeremy Fisher, flatliner

That’s when Jeremy remembered he had the entire wealth of mankind’s knowledge at his fingertips, on the internet, which is connected to his home masturbation and pleasure station.

“I googled that shit fast, hard, and repeatedly,” Jeremy recanted. “Advertisements criss-crossed my screen, sliding over the content I desperately needed. I x’ed them out methodically. Medical information is worth mining for. I got my confidential results in just minutes.”

Finally, Jeremy broke through a wall of warnings, until he reached a screen stating that he could have heart failure as a result of complications from heart cancer, unless he closed that window, too.

“That’s the beauty of the product,” Troubadour mansplained. “See how Jeremy got involved in his own caregiving? This product interactively helps people neglect their health, improving wellness.”

Troubadour said by closing the final pop-up window, Jeremy was rewarded with sweet medical truths the likes of which many will never know ~

What lies in wait beyond the very last advertisement?

Dr. Troubadour’s Super Double Symptom Checker

“Hey! It’s Jeremy again. Remember me? I’m the only other source in the story. So anyway, I’m a fucking retard who believes what he reads online. Dr. Troubadour’s medicine software assured me I am only being paranoid and it is indeed the act of searching symptoms which causes the symptom. Wonder what that means??”

As for getting a job, and finding insurance? Fat chance, Jeremy says. He’s just downright unlikable. Doctors say there ain’t nobody can get along with a man like that.

“I just kind of act like a cock towards everybody I meet,” Jeremy says. “I’ll commit to the right job when it matches my skillset – which may be nothing – but at least I’m not jockeying for position downtown in some hellish rat-race I don’t believe in. You guys at Internet Chronicle probably think you’re hot shit because you’re reporters, huh? I see right through you cunts. Your stories are OBVIOUS fakes.”

[Editor’s note: That is not true.]

The Internet Chronicle is brought to you GRACIOUSLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters.

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Status Quo

Bank of America introduces “Whites Only” ATMs

CHARLOTTE, N.C.–A beleaguered Bank of America has rolled back its woefully misguided effort to foster racial calm, after a ‘segregated ATM’ pilot program failed to catch on outside of its Charlotte, North Carolina test branches or headquarters.

Dr. Cornel West came out against the ATMs on the basis of mendacity, stating the program has grotesque racist, classist overtones.

BofA President Richmond T. Skaers said he noticed that he felt much safer in his gated neighborhood, where others do not bother him, and wants every Bank of America customer to feel the same way, away from each other.

“Before 1865, racism wasn’t an issue. After that, we had to have signs. Was that racist? You tell me,” Skaers said. “I’m COLORBLIND. Then they made us take the signs down. Well, I say fuck that. Bank of America just got great again. The signs went back up, and several ATMs around Charlotte were reintroduced to non-whites, after being modified to meet the specific needs of an increasingly entitled customer base, known as Second Class Citizens. I’m sorry a few snowflakes didn’t like that.”

Bank of America: Automated teller machines were retrofitted with beautiful, vintage, turn of the century signage, along with other consumer-oriented enhancements.
Bank of America: Automated teller machines were retrofitted with beautiful, vintage, turn of the century signage, along with other consumer enhancements.

“I wish the machines were a little further apart,” admitted stay-at-home mom Mary Whittlesworth, “If I want to spend my husband’s money, I still have to stand next to…them, and right away, I can tell something ain’t right.”

Dan Roiland, a 39-year-old Lincolnton High School teacher from North Carolina said his bank refused to install the segregated ATMs after realizing the cost of maintaining two ATMs would be higher than the sum total of anything his scumfuck hick town might pull in, so he is now banking with the Ku Klux Kredit Union down the street, a bank that works exclusively with master races to build pure white communities.

“Fuck everyone else.”

— Dan Roiland, Rebel

Looking forward, BofA says it is rethinking its strategy to appease racial unrest, and has signaled a possible shift to a form of scrip, as a specialized currency intended to create a healthier relationship between certain people and their money.

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Categories
Editorial

How ugly sinners are ruining Heaven for Good Christian People

In Heaven, the people we love end up hurting us the most.

Because God loves YOU!

Saint Peter has cast more babies into the yawning mouths of Satan than he can remember, so he uses a ledger.
Saint Peter has cast more babies into the yawning mouths of Satan than he can remember, so he uses a ledger.

Heaven, once believed to be a land of endless smiles and permanent happiness, could be the final nightmarish conclusion to a life lived in clean Christian purity, according to a new study published by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, who is a lead researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Theology at Harvard University.

“You probably think of Heaven as a place where you get to chill out for all eternity with the people you love. That’s what we, at the school, thought too,” Troubadour said. “As it turns out, the people we love are flawed sinners who break the commandments, which – as you know – is punishable by eternity in Hell, where they are tortured, humiliated, and burned forever. And while I know that sounds badass, in reality it is intensely, emotionally painful for people in Heaven, separated from their loved ones.”

The absence of cherished sinners creates a ‘sterile’ Heaven devoid of pets, unbaptized babies, and cool uncles. According to Troubadour’s research, the whiplash from expectation to reality shocks the souls of even the bravest soldiers of God, as they enter the Pearly Gates only to discover the unrepentant sinners they love will not, in fact, walk beside them in the Kingdom of Heaven.

“If you go to Heaven and you’re looking for your son, but you can’t find him, he is probably paying for his sins for all eternity,” Troubadour said. “Angels are rubbing your shoulders, telling you how good you look, and driving you back and forth from the spa to church. Meanwhile, Timmy is getting molested by the Devil in Hell. Knowing this makes enjoying Heaven very difficult.”

Troubadour’s research into the afterlife uncovered gruesome details about Hell more Hellish than previously imagined, which is why Troubadour recommends baptizing babies as early as possible by giving water birth into a baptistery. He suggests either redefining your allegiances and forgetting about all the sinful loved ones whose indiscretions hurt snowflake Lord Jesus, or wallow in grief – in Heaven – because you still love your family.

“Alternatively,” Troubadour explained, “You could choose not to baptize your child, and when you get to Heaven, rest easy knowing your sinful, ugly, blasphemous baby is one of billions suffering as they deserve in the deepest, most hateful, unrelenting bowels of Hell as waves of fire wash over them, burning their tiny, helpless bodies, and stinging them with an undertow of dirty heroin needles and poisonous box jellyfish.”

Troubadour said because of population growth, Hell has been forced to expand torture operations to “an industrial scale.” Now, traincars carrying babies through Hell stop for one of only two reasons: either to add more unbaptized babies, or dump all the sinful babies into hot, hungry furnaces of fire and brimstone, which burn hotter, and brighter, and more intensely with every abortion, stillbirth, and incident of SIDS. Hot damn!

“Heaven sucks because of the sinners in Hell. Think about that before deciding to go to Heaven.” –Dr. Troubadour