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News

Dr. Troubadour’s Tips for a safe, healthy 9/11 Remembrance

Sup dudes! After this year’s underwhelming 9/11 memorial (Presidents crying in a field), the kind men in charge of Internet Chronicle asked me to write this short, easy-to-understand 9/11 remembrance for dummies. Spice up your next 9/11 with a television-based diamond-encrusted, double platinum freakout, using my simple tips. Forged in a furnace of Internet Memes, the next 9/11 memorial will be even more Never Forgetty than the last.

[Editor’s Note – shop talk edition: The entertainment braintrust at Lebal Drocer reflected and realized: We simply  don’t take enough time here at the Chronicle to remember 9/11, which makes us hypocrites after swearing we’d Never Forget. This is strictly unforgivable.]

Today we are Anonymous: We do not forget. We do not forgive.

9/11 — Never Forgive

promo

In the course of remembrance, you might experience mystic events. This feeling of intense nationalism produces a sudden euphoria. This is not normal. This means you are a chosen patriot made up of pure, impulses. Take the world from darkness into light with Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy 9/11 memorial.

walking through body scanners doses you with gene altering radiation and fights terror! Freedom isn’t free. We once nuked the land of our enemies. Now we irradiate our own people with machines.

Tip 1

dr troubadourDr. T says

If you want to wage a war on terror, you’ll have to fight a few battles with cancer.

Tip 2

Act like you don’t know what 9/11 is. This will endear you to your fellow citizens. Ask sincerely what 9/11 means. You’ve never heard of it.

Tip 3

Never forget. If you’re a real patriot, like us here at Chronicle, 9/11 is every day. September 11th is every fucking day. I wake up and say a prayer to the victims. And there’s certain stuff I won’t laugh at before 10 a.m. Just because today isn’t 9/11 – it’s not even September – doesn’t mean our hearts don’t go out to the victims of that terrible tragedy. It would be absurd to think otherwise.

Just the thought of it sends me into frenzies wherein I foam at the mouth and curse whatever God cast the dice of our very existence. Maybe I’m taking it too far. That’s just what 9/11 means to me.

This article is part 1 in an October series entitled Why Now? An Internet Chronicle introspective series in which we undermine and discredit sacred things for no purpose at all. Just shitting on you and stuff.

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Religion Uncontrollable Patriotism

Is Humanity Party leader Christopher Nemelka behind the enigmatic #QAnon mask?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Experts who once believed the Trump-allied persona “Q” to be a high-ranking official in the Energy Department are shifting their suspicions onto the mysterious leader of the Humanity Party (THumP), Christopher Nemelka.

In addition to enjoying near-total control of THumP, Nemelka runs a very successful cult on the Mormonism platform, and has published a great many books focused on spirituality, human advancement, and militarization of the Executive Branch.

On August 10, Floyd Yancey broke silence, becoming the first member of Anonymous to openly speculate Christopher Nemelka could be QAnon.
On August 10, Floyd Yancey broke silence, becoming the first member of Anonymous to openly speculate Christopher Nemelka could be QAnon.

Yancey, who goes by @soulreaping on Twitter (or Death on Facebook), says he is the creator of the iconic Guy Fawkes mask associated with Anonymous, and has deep connections to the mercurial, and oftentimes diaphanous, Anonymous hacker network.

Two weeks later, Anonymous heavy-hitters @YourMarkLubbers and @mezcal1323 opened a public dialog about the secretive cult leader. Some claim to have evidence Nemelka, a socially conservative, fiscal liberal who supports Trump, is associated with QAnon, if not somehow in direct control of the movement.

YourMarkLubbers attempts to keep Anonymous clean.
YourMarkLubbers attempts to keep Anonymous clean.

And so the search continues: Who is the true Good Old Boy? Anonymous experts say all signs point to Chris.

His blog is currently locked down. Internet Chronicle investigators are standing by. If you or someone you know has access to the Christopher Nemelka blog, please leave your contact information in the comments field below, and a fake news journalist will reach out through encrypted channels.

This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Contact us immediately.

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Categories
Hate

Myspace was always better than Facebook

INTERNET — Computers turned people from apes into apes that can view and interact with apes and their messages from anywhere in the world. People are now a multiplying, interconnected, knowledge-sharing cancer. We’re a computer virus in the planetary system. [pullquote]All social media is inherently evil, so how is myspace better than Facebook?[/pullquote]

But remember myspace? Sure, after everyone went to Facebook, myspace was a sad, broken scene. In fact, there was a period between 2008 and 2015 where I had been unable to create a profile, just to see the place again.

Billions of people and bots now use Facebook every day. People use it for their reasons, and the bots use it for their own reasons, plus people.

Cambridge Analytica behaves as both.

Modest Beginnings

At one time, Facebook was simply a website for college students to get mad puss, so naturally we all went over to Marko Zuckerberg’s place and made a profile. Today there’s no telling what your 2004 facebook profile is worth, but it’s probably in the hands of every marketer, scammer, and blackhat attacker that ever wanted it.

When some people transitioned to Facebook, they brought myspace with them.
When some people transitioned to Facebook, they brought myspace with them.

We left our space when we left myspace, and went to Facebook, where everything and everyone looked more or less the same. Homogeneity therefore made our messages more important, and gave us incentive to set ourselves apart in the images and text displayed on our feeds.

It would be interesting to see myspace still in business. Because users had control of their own pages’ appearance, people used music and background pictures to set yourself apart. Bots rarely did this!

Russian bots on myspace now would have background images of farmland and hardworking good old boys, while God Bless the U.S.A. plays in the background. The bots’ memes to steer hatred away from Russia, only to splash it back out at each other would be all the more hilarious. Unfortunately, that would never happen because myspace never reached so deep into people’s lives as Facebook has done.

All social media is inherently evil, so how is myspace better than Facebook?

For starters, myspace did not sell your shit to Russia. Or if they did, I haven’t heard about it. I don’t care if they did! My opinion is special and you’re still reading it.

FaceFuck allows you to find lookalike pornstars by integrating with your friends on Facebook.

They also didn’t track you all over the web, using artificial intelligence to build personality profiles around you, which is objectively pretty cool but really, if we hadn’t been so slowly acclimated to that tracking shit, we might have asked ourselves, why are we tolerating this?

I would be motherfucking pissed if I found out a friend in my group was recording my conversations, building character profiles around me and my friends, connecting the dots between innocuous information we shared, and searching – like a stalker would do – for deeper meanings behind those connections and what it means for them being able to profit from that intimate access. That’s something a very sick person would do. You know this, but you guys keep coming over and hanging out at his house, anyway.

That’s weird, man. That’s fucked up.

Myspace was so much better than Facebook.

As far as sites go, Facebook is not even in my top 8. My favorite webpage is a 404 error.