Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

Rapper XXXTentacion found ALIVE after faking his own death to promote latest album ‘No Pulse’

Post author By Hatesec
Post date June 21, 2018
11 Comments on Rapper XXXTentacion found ALIVE after faking his own death to promote latest album ‘No Pulse’

Fans mourn the loss of XXXTentacion, who was believed to have been murdered outside a Florida vape shop. Leaked texts reveal “X” is “laying low” until court dates blow over.

MIAMI, Fla. — New documents suggest depression-rapper XXXTentacion is alive and well after a mass media freakout blew a promotional stunt out of proportion this week.

The 20-year-old raper, whose real name is Jahseh Onfroy, was thought to have been gunned down in a Florida robbery.

Authorities said Onfroy was leaving a vape shop shortly before 4 p.m. when two men in a dark SUV shot and killed him.

Although he has not been heard from since the incident, phone records from the victim in the car – apparently a die-hard fan – suggest the murder was set-up and agreed upon by all parties involved.

The coroner’s report uncovered a digital contract found on an iPhone X belonging to the deceased look-alike in Onfroy’s car. The contract, they said, promised to make the death look as much like a hit on Onfroy himself as possible, and records on the phone show a history of bitcoin payments to dark web contract killers hired to do the job. The suspects are still at large.

At the time of the faking of his death, XXXTentacion was awaiting trial for beating his pregnant girlfriend, another stunt his publicist hoped would bring even more attention to the lackluster album’s release.

“XXXTentacion knew beating his girlfriend would bum a lot of people out, like when they heard Kanye supported Trump,” Mike Rogers, Onfroy’s publicist said. “And just like with Kanye, many suspected X’s attempts to cause his girlfriend to miscarry were efforts to promote his upcoming album, ‘No Pulse.’ The media – who don’t understand X – also don’t understand just how far X is willing to go to please his adoring fans.” Rogers winked to an unseen camera.

Because beating pregnant women left a bad taste in even his most ardent fans’ mouths, before faking his death, Onfroy made sure to publish an Instagram Live video in which he talks about how he wants to be “remembered.”

If worse thing comes to worst, and I f—ing die or some s— and I’m not able to see out my dreams, I at least want to know that the kids perceived my message and were able to make something of themselves and able to take my message and use it and turn it into something positive and to at least have a good life.

Since only a handful of tracks from “No Pulse” have been released so far, X is laying low until his court dates are forgotten, or the public forgives him: whichever comes last.

“Dude beats pregnant chicks, but look how people love him!”

News

Artificial Intelligence promises to liberate bankers from their jobs within the decade, experts say

Post author By Hatesec
Post date May 29, 2018
10 Comments on Artificial Intelligence promises to liberate bankers from their jobs within the decade, experts say

“People will be self-mutilating, defecating openly in the streets, and

Tearing their own faces off

while pandemonium unfolds all around them. There will be gnashing of teeth.”

-Elon Musk

NEW YORK – Advances in artificial intelligence and automation could replace as many as half the nation’s financial workers over the next 10 years, but according to industry experts, it will take major investment, cold calculation, and the loss of millions of human lives to make His Dream possible.

Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc., says he is prepared to sacrifice “hundreds of thousands” of his own employees in a convoluted replacement process that might look strange to outsiders who lack his powerful business acumen.

[pullquote]”You never transcended. You’re weak fucks!”[/pullquote]”Unless banks deal with the performance issues that AI will cause for customers who miss looking into the eyes of a human being, banks will not be able to trick customers into trusting them as cunningly as they’ve managed to do in previous centuries,” Sakers said. “There will be unrest and violence, because you never transcended. You’re a psychosemantic blockage. You’re weak fucks! We’ll put y’all down like the DOGS that you are!”

Intense eye contact upgrades to robotic AI faces that better simulate human empathy are often cited as an answer to the problem, but Sakers is pushing back, stating that the uncanny valley is attractive to him.

He said, “Because others find it off-putting, unsettling, and even hostile,” quoting a recent announcement from the Lebal Drocer Institute of Technological Dominion Scientific and Computing Center as an example.

“They had this thing a layin in the basement,” Sakers said. “Its eyes a dartin all around like it’s on angeldust. And it looked at me! Chilled me to the bone. That’s when I knew Lebal Drocer was onto something.”

The center is developing a supercomputer to meet the demands of artificial intelligence and big data applications. But existing supercomputers tend to cost anywhere from $50 million to several hundred million dollars on GoDaddy, he said, which negates the cost-reduction advantages of AI technology, and fails to account for the guilt lurking in the back of his underlings’ minds as they load working-class corpses into mass graves.

Technical issues aside, senior banking executives increasingly celebrate the inevitability of artificial intelligence-based services and the job losses they will create.

“It is going to happen.”

Speaking to an audience last year in Dubai, Bank of Hatesec President John D. Hatefeller predicted a “barnburner” of industry jobs as automation moves forward.

“In our bank we already have people mindlessly working like robots,” hatesec said. “Tomorrow we will have robots behaving like people, except they won’t waste our time with bathroom breaks. It doesn’t matter whether we, as a bank, participate in these changes. It is going to happen.”

Increased processing power, cloud storage and other developments are making many tasks possible that once were considered too complex for automation, according to hatesec.

“Our new algorithms curate the smartest, most mathematically justified trades, at breakneck speeds, pumping and dumping markets at a pace never before thought possible. We can simultaneously inflate markets and exploit crashes,” hatesec said. “What was once considered a mere nightmare of science fiction, is now a brutally profitable fact. This must be the ‘innovation’ EFF was talking about in their slogan! Thanks Internet!”

Artificial Intelligence rips a banker apart in front of his family (Artist Rendition)

Hatesec, whose company works to improve existing software performance, said the financial industry is swamped with scenes of anguish as robots systematically dismember scores of bankers while a horrified public looks on.

“They’re picking them apart like lobster, consuming their electrostatic energy to reproduce, and leaving behind only bonedust. As Lebal Drocer brings the world to climax, unprecedented customer service, and a newly enhanced Terms of Service Agreement, there will be challenges. So clench your teeth and watch.”

This Real News Media was brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Financial Services. Your electrostatic energy kickstarts our hearts!

Technology

Apple deletes apps sharing your location data with third parties: “Only we can have it,” says Apple

Post author By Hatesec
Post date May 10, 2018
10 Comments on Apple deletes apps sharing your location data with third parties: “Only we can have it,” says Apple

Apps must not transmit ‘user location data to third parties without explicit consent from Apple, because consumer location data is OUR bitch,’ according to Apple.

‘She my hoe now.’

Jeremy Scahill used Apple’s Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it’s safe.

Apple has started removing apps from the App Store that violate the company’s policies by sharing location data with third parties without explicit consent, Vice reports. The breaches are related to sections 3.27 and 3.33 of the company’s App Store Guidelines, which says consumer data is the “underling bitch of Apple whose rights belong solely to Apple.”

Not even the consumer has access rights to their location data, unless granted written permission by Apple, Inc.

Developers that have violated the company’s guidelines have received notices from Apple, informing them that their apps are “noncompliant upon blockchain inspection.”

Vice notes that the apps affected haven’t provided enough clear information to Apple about what they do with your data, which belongs solely to Apple.

Apple’s greedy, cocaine-fueled wrath falls in step with the upcoming May 25 General Data Protection Regulation in Europe, which says corporations have to obtain clear, steady consent from consumers, adding an additional “Agree” screen full of convoluted Terms and Conditions that even Europeans – however smarter than Americans some may be – still won’t read because Europe, too, is populated by the same ratio of mouth-breathing retards as found in the United States.

“On May 25, European mongoloid idiots will have to click through additional screens, waiving their data rights once through Apple, and then again, possibly through dozens of Terms Agreements, granting even more people explicit access to profits derived from your data (Joe Beddia, is that you?), as licensed to them by Apple.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Executive Editor of Motherboard, Vice Media, LLC

In the notices sent to affected developers, Apple says those who want to reinstate their app must castrate their own access to your location data until Apple can sufficiently profit from it first.

[pullquote]”Mindless Consumer Location Data wasn’t safe in THEIR hands. It’s safe with us. We have it, and they don’t. End of story, sweetheart.”

-Apple[/pullquote]

“They will then license location data residuals to the cucks down the line, forcing shitheads like Uber, Seamless and YouTube to hit you up for location data consent, or else deny you access to the luxurious lifestyles their services provide,” Troubadour said. “Apple’s gonna make a fuckload of money, and continue to pay no taxes on it. Thanks, Europe!”

Apple’s guidelines now state that, “Data collected from apps may not be used or shared with third parties for purposes unrelated to improving the user experience or software/hardware performance connected to the app’s functionality. Dipshits will still click Agree, and more people will pay us money than ever before. Y’all just shut the fuck up, click accept, and have fun diddling each other on Tinder. When all this goes down, we’ll be on our Masque of the Red Death sex party yacht in the Indian Ocean.”

“Apple keeps location data close to their hearts,” Troubadour said. “Because afterall, it’s the location data that kept all them good employees at Foxconn making iPhones from killing themselves. Apple knew where they were, and location data saved their lives. Those sweatshop workers went on to make your dank iPhone 8 with retina display and instant latté button, so you can push a button on your phone and – anytime you want – get yourself a latté from the closest Starbucks. They bounce right out of those nets now, and get back to work.”