A newsroom-turned-mind-control-cult raises questions about the ethics of satirical news journalism

Authorities are on us like ants at a picnic, and we aren’t coming out. We didn’t know torture cages were not up to code. If we had known about it, of course we would have done more to hide it.

The people accusing Internet Chronicle of employee abuse have organized against the news outlet, and you may field all questions to their lawyer, Dr. Euclid Armstrong.

[pullquote]”The Internet Chronicle is a hate-filled vortex of below-the-belt insults from shattered minds.”[/pullquote]He is a man of fortitude, grace and dignity. Despite his egregious lawsuits against chronicle.su, there  are no hard feelings between us.

We did not take anyone’s passports. They volunteered them to us for perks and bonuses.

Internet Chronicle staff, known for their office hi-jinx and pot parties, refused to comment, citing a nondisclosure agreement between themselves and this important website. One writer did, however, indicate he was publishing articles in a hostile work environment, from inside a newsroom he calls a “hate-filled vortex of below-the-belt insults from shattered minds.”

It’s not just the employee abuse, the writer’s union lawyer explained. It’s also about a pattern of drug abuse that runs rampant through the hallowed hall of the Internet Chronicle’s home office trailer in Cuthbert, Georgia.

Ivania, staff homemaker at Internet Chronicle, said it has been six weeks since she reported dangerous illegal activity she seen happening here at our place.

“I went through their dressing room the other night, and saw them crushing pills into white powder, and snorting it off the top of a mini-fridge,” she said. “They saw me staring and said, ‘Well, at least we ain’t shootin’ it.’ And they was right. They’re not shooting it yet, so right now everything’s fine.”

A plea of Intentional Guilt will be made on the chronicle.su’s behalf, in order to bypass a lengthy trial and save taxpayers money, as well as an embarrassing loss in court against Lebal Drocer, Inc.

[Editor’s note: We still don’t know what happened to svirgula. No one has seen him or heard from him.]

NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of of Raleigh T. Sakers, the satirist better known by the name ‘hatesec’ who died early Monday morning at his home in Brooklyn.

Hatesec was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 30.

Hatesec is survived by three serious ex-girlfriends, and six not-so-serious ex-girlfriends. He had no children ;)

Because no will was entered into the public record, hatesec’s charity for underprivileged financial institutions, The Bailout Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to Virginia doctors for repayment of medical debts accrued after a spontaneous pneumothorax nearly killed the Internet Chronicle editor in 2010.

Hatesec’s public image suffered in the wake of a 2009 incident filmed at the intersection of Monument and Allen Avenues in Richmond, where he was filmed simulating autofellatio under a large Confederate monument. The incident was seen by more than 500,000 people, before YouTube took down the 9-minute video, stating it violates the terms of their puritan service agreement.

When hatesec realized what was happening, he instinctively “finished,” lovingly snowballed General Lee, and left the 60-foot monument to deal with his imagined pregnancy alone, and without sympathy from passing cars.

While hatesec left no will or funeral instructions, a recent tweet offers some guidance as to what friends and family might do to help his final wishes come true, as we close the final chapter of his otherwise pointless, insignificant life:

https://twitter.com/hatesec/status/894439942809681920