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Politics

Trump declares war on poverty

Trump put on a worn pair of reading glasses Wednesday morning, spun his favorite Mozart track La Climenza de Tito, and sat down with a legal pad at the head of a conference room table in the West wing of the White House. There, he met with professors of Harvard economics and sociologists from MIT, who presented solutions to a “quieted, attentive President Trump.”

In a sudden tonal shift, insiders say President Trump said little throughout the day, until finally the presentations were over, and Trump had time to look over his notes from the day’s hours-long meetings with intellectuals and poverty experts from every field of governance.

President Trump listened carefully as experts explained the complex arrangement of political and economic forces perpetuating cycles of poverty.
President Trump listened carefully as experts explained the complex arrangement of political and economic forces perpetuating cycles of poverty.

“This is a tough job,” Trump said. “Wow. I never thought I’d say this, but being a good statesman is one of the toughest jobs in the world – a job President Obama did with dignity and care – and today I do not come to you to brag about how far I’ve come, but to say I am humbled by how far we have yet to go.”

Trump listened carefully as representatives from Southern Poverty Law Center described the multitudes of poor workers affected by sweeping policy change.

Over the course of several hours, experts and philanthropists educated the President using charts, graphs and condensing decades of research into a crash course on socioeconomic struggle of the shrinking middle class and impoverished workers, who predominantly occupy the South.

“Trump only interrupted once,” said Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, fellow at the American Institute of Philanthropy, “and he had a very good question. He wanted to know why people who work so many different jobs have little to no savings, and what he could do to repair the post-industrial South. His constructive, erudite tone fostered a creative, solution-oriented approach to complex issues.”

Sad!

Trump, who said he is writing a memo to congress addressing problems of impoverished, working class Americans, wants to see more focus on education and said he will soon host a symposium at the White House where NAFTA leaders and foreign trade specialists can discuss solutions and funding to America’s opium-soaked Southern underbelly, bringing jobs, trade and health services to the region.

“Just opposing the CIA – which I have attempted to do – isn’t the only thing that made Kennedy great,” Trump said. “And I, too, need to do more for people of color, and the beautiful women who – even though they voted for crooked Hillary – deserve access, as all human beings do, to specific family and health services.”

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Categories
Technology World

Your keyboard is spying on you

New sonic keyboard technology uses your computer’s built-in microphone to monitor the sounds of your individual keystrokes, logging everything you do, according to new research conducted by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his team of unpaid graduate students.

This intuitive method of eavesdropping combines new with the old by “listening in” on audio footage through state-of-the-art noise analysis firmware, which is “baked into” PC components like the motherboard, but can also be flashed – or overwritten – with new, custom firmware that can also introduce privacy and security backdoors. Troubadour and his lab servants were able to find evidence of the keyboard spyware when a student was able to successfully visualize the data leaving her keyboard.

Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.
Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.

“Go ahead and type a few sentences, and be sure to listen to your keyboard,” Dr. Troubadour writes in the study. “Notice how with each individual keystroke, your keys – although similar and seemingly identical – make slightly different sounds. Because the untrained ear doesn’t recognize these subtle, everyday variations, you might not realize they are there, but because every key has slight variations in tone, tenor and frequency – in fact, no two keystrokes are alike in the entire world (much less, keyboards) – and because every individual keystroke has its own microscopic variation, their frequencies are logged and checked against a database of known typing habits assigned to your unique hardwire profile, as supplied by Google, Apple and Facebook tracking services. Everything you have ever typed is just floating around out there, for sale to anyone and everyone who wants it.”

With advances in HTML5, the entirety of this method of eavesdropping takes place entirely within the hardware, and is completely untraceable. Troubadour and his team have not commented on the spyware’s origin.

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Categories
Special Interest

Internet Chronicle enters incredible “Stage III” of spectacular human development study

Lebal Drocer Laboratories
Lebal Drocer Laboratories boldly guides us into a Brave New World

Raleigh T. Hatesec, chairman of the Workers’ Party of Democratic People’s Republic of United States of America, chairman of the DPRUSA State Board of Ethics in Human Experimentation and supreme commander of the American People’s Army, gave field guidance to a Washington, D.C. Orphanage and Primary School where children are grown in a petri dish and harvested for their soul essence.

He went round the school building, hostel and other places to learn in detail about the construction and preparations for operating the facility.

Pleased that the Spawning Chamber was built in a modern and fashionable style, he said that all classrooms were put on a multi-functional and IT basis to suit the features of primary education and equipped with varieties of teaching facilities, where children will learn to worship Hatesec, and never question Him.

He noted that the school has well-furnished rooms for education in Raleigh T. Hatesec’s patriotism, room for the members of the Children’s Union, nature study room, music and dance room, and an interlocking room-sized metal grinder for graduation.

All spaces in the learning center are devoted to acquiring knowledge and common sense as the corridor is decorated with diverse paintings of Raleigh Theodore Hatesec, and other things which attract children’s interest and ensure visual, scientific and vivid effect.

Visiting Second-Year Class A having Korean language lesson, he learned in detail, with fatherly care, about how pupils are taught and how teaching aids are used, their cognition ability, and their quality of unending servitude to the benevolent Hatesec. Children wept and women cried who were showered in his love.

Noting that the hostel was built in such way that it not only suits children’s minds but enables them to live without any inconveniences, he added that he was satisfied with everything such as bedrooms and dining room, barber’s and clinic, and his bed of living human women back at home.

The quality of the country’s overall education including higher education depends on the quality of primary and secondary indoctrination and a shortcut to building a talented nation lies in thoroughly implementing the Party’s policy of prioritizing primary and secondary indoctrination, he said, giving important instructions that would serve as guidelines for managing and operating the people factory.

Before it can be used in the preparation of Beautiful and Glorious Salvation of All People at the End of Time, Soul Essence is separated from a dense slurry of blood of bone.
Before it can be used in the preparation of Beautiful and Glorious Salvation of All People at the End of Time, Soul Essence is separated from a dense slurry of blood of bone.

He earnestly asked the officials and the teaching staff of the school to take good care of its pupils, reflecting his wish, so that they may grow up uprightly, stoutly and cheerfully without the slightest sadness and worry, since Stage III Soul Essence can only be manufactured and refined through a rich human experience.

He had a photo session with the pupils and teaching staff of D.C. Orphanage and Primary School.

He was accompanied by Angstrom H. Troubadour, member of the Presidium of the Political Bureau of USSA Central Committee, vice-chairman of the State Board of Ethics in Human Experimentation and vice-chairman of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

He said he had never seen such an efficient use of resources to produce Soul Essence for Stage III of his glorious new plan.

It wasn’t hatesec all along, he said.

“It was me.”