Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Categories
Technology

Comcast customer shot 6 times in the back while walking away from ‘irresistible’ summer deals

The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

A Cuthbert man was shot while resisting summer deals over the weekend. Cellphone video shows Comcast enforcement officials clearly stating the deal was “too good to pass up,” and that doing so would cost him his life. 28-year-old Evan Hernandez walked away from their offer, and that is when agents opened fire, shooting him 6 times in the legs, torso and neck.

Hernandez was first approached by armed Comcast customer service agents after posting a slew of bitter Facebook status updates reading, “Fuck Comcast,” “Comcast is literally Hitler,” and various images of famous dictators captioned, “Comcast representative.”

The fatal meme that got Evan Hernandez killed. | Image Source: Facebook.com
The fatal meme that got Evan Hernandez killed. | Image Source: Facebook.com

Comcast was careful not to claim ownership of the incident by apologizing, but PR spokespeople did issue a Comcastic, heartfelt apology via Twitter:

We’ll miss you, customer no. 1127-H3-59-98062.

Comcast Twitter

“We gave him every opportunity to stop resisting,” Comcast representative Dave Jericho said. “We said, ‘You can’t say no. Either you take the sports package that’s got 24-hour soccer and get slower Internet, or buy the movie channels and upgrade to 25 Mbps.’ Evan made his bed. Evan can lay in it.”

Hate-riots are brewing across the United States as Comcast customers lash out jealously in hopes of getting an opportunity to sign the deal Hernandez repeatedly turned down starting as far back as 6 weeks ago.

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Categories
Special Interest

THE CHRONICLE.SU FUCKING SUCKS

Jesco White was on a super double high.
“I was on a super double high.”

This is the shittiest website I have ever seen. What happened to the categories, did you get tired of having something people could actually relate to?

News, Sports, Weather and Reviews were just too much like something regular people were used to seeing so we got rid of that, because this is a terrible website you would never, ever want to read. EVER. Our advertisers have made this clear by reducing monthly funding to a paralyzing trickle.

Let me make this perfectly clear: The Internet Chronicle is a stain on the Internet: a cancerous, oily rag containing nothing but the kind of conspiratorial nonsense with which the sane would not dare pollute their pure, precious blood. Reading chronicle.su is like smoking cigarettes dipped in formaldehyde.

Do you know who used to read chronicle.su? Miley Cyrus read The Internet Chronicle back in 2008 and look what happened to her. But it was never about Miley, was it? It was about us, and what The Internet has done to our rotten brains.

I know from kilgoar, because I witnessed it personally, he might appear to be a broken, melted down mutant of a person. Barely a man anymore, kilgoar is however what we might call a “transhuman” whose personality has been transferred to a row of helium-cooled supercomputers located at an abandoned signal station in Povarovo, Russia. Kilgoar’s healthier than ever, though, and this is really not cause for concern. He is, afterall, a pretty good old boy. Just a regular dude like you or me, or the president.

This website is a despicable abomination, an affront to everything the human race has achieved up till now. The Chronicle’s insistence on hatred as a form of appreciation, progress, love, and explanation for the Internet is downright contradictory and a damn lie. The Internet Chronicle is cancer. They built Anonymous. They are the government. CHRONICLE.SU IS RUN BY SPOOKS! GOVERNMENT-FOR-HIRE FALLBOYS. The Internet Chronicle is a rotten abscess on humanity. Delete it.

Turn away, there is nothing positive here. Go back to Facebook and say hello to your fucking families for me.

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Categories
Technology

Barrett Brown expresses support for Weev fundraising effort

Why is everybody so upset by this run-of-the-mill Nazi?
Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev’s fundraising campaign.

With limited access to Internet, Barrett Brown still gets the news, albeit a little slowly.

“I think what Weev is working toward is really good,” Brown said from his mobile prison cell, an advanced diesel therapy treatment facility. “I saw him on my delayed TV report and I have to say I am proud of him. He’s doing important work and I hope his financial backers fulfill the hedge fund he’s setting up for himself, so he can take care of us all.”

Brown, a pretty good old boy himself, has written hilarious storie for The Onion we have never seen, and boring tirades everyone has seen for Vanity Fair and Vice.

Brown, a passionate blogger at The Internet Chronicle, left the following statement to supporters in his mother’s dishwasher:

Hello, I’m Texas reporter Barrett Brown, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc any day. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].

Barrett “Barry” Brown, Project Persona MGMT

Brown said Weev’s tireless efforts, as well as the consistent and quality work put out by Rachel Haywire, are critical to his personal success and the success and profitability of his entire organization, entitled Project PM.

Brown’s continuing relevance rests squarely on the shoulders of heroes like chronicle.su journalists kilgoar, hatesec, asshurtmacfags and Presstorm alumni.

“Your basic summernazis are part of the socialist threat of the Obama administration and his bottomless thirst for white souls,” Barry passionately dictated from his mobile prison cell. “I have faith in Weev’s ability to contain this threat and use his new money to show people we’re not just a bunch of nazis looking for a keyhole to inject hate into the information security narrative. Like I said, I get my news about 9 months later than everyone else but I really think this is going to pan out. I think Rand Paul has a chance.”