Author: Jaime Cochran

A kind soul. Works for the X-Games.

Categories
News

Internet Trolling Now Illegal in Syria

syria
Syrian man atop his high-rise condo celebrates the passing of anti-Internet Trolling law.

DAMASCUS, Syria — Amongst hellfire and brimstone in the ancient city of Damascus, the Syrian government has passed a law making Internet Trolling, Cyber Bullying, or “aggressive” satire illegal. The controversial law was brought to international attention when a Syrian teenage girl committed suicide after being trolled on youtube for outing the CIA as potential instigators/manipulators of the struggles Syria is currently facing.

After a hard fought battle between liberal free speech advocates and the Syrian Child Protection League, the law was passed with a punishment of being administered near lethal doses of Terrormax, a Lebal Drocer, Inc. pharmaceutical that allows people to see terror coming beyond the horizon, giving Internet Trolls an awareness of their actions and also “burger-foot.”

After the US Military’s Project Paperclip, which recruited Nazi scientists to conduct experiments on humans during the Cold War, Terrormax was created as a mind-control serum and also a derivative of peyote, says Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. Free speech advocates and Internet trolls worldwide believe the law to be a CIA psy-op of sorts, whose endgame was the introduction of Terrormax into the Syrian populace, which would essentially make it a free and democratic society akin to the United States of America.

What little is known about the long-term effects of Terrormax is irrelevant right now as this landmark victory for the sanctity of Internet decency has united the country and all that bullshit going on over there has ceased in celebration of fewer Internet tears.

Categories
Entertainment News Science Technology World

Lebal Drocer, Inc. Security Advisory-0001: Cubic Time

Lebal Drocer, Inc Security Advisory-0001:
Multiple Cosmic Vulnerabilities in the Universe

Vendor: Gene Ray (http://timecube.com/)
Product: Cubic Time

Versions affected: ALL
Threat Level: Mauve

Product description:
Cubic Time is a Reality that posits:
"EARTH HAS 4 CORNER 

SIMULTANEOUS 4-DAY

TIME CUBE

WITHIN SINGLE ROTATION.

                                      1 of God Is Only 1/4 Of God."

Finding 1: Gene Ray’s Cubic Time Reality is Truth, but suffers from a Remote Logic Collision(RLC). This new class of bugs has been pioneered by Lebal Drocer, Inc,’s Chief Security Researcher, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “From the outsiders perspective, Ray’s Time Cube Reality is the only absolute truth, but after years of analysis of his cryptic, peer-reviewed text and implementing a small simulation of the Time Cube in a isolated setting– I was able to remotely identify a logic collision which could cause catastrophic events.” he says, “I won’t go into how to crash the universe though,” Troubador said with a crooked smile.

“There are, however ways to use RLC vulnerabilities for the good of the universe and, in turn, mankind. One being, if you applied Hawking’s black hole “Apparent Horizon” theory, using it against a rotating XOR cipher with the gravitational constant, the Time Cube would result in a logic collision, leaking “unmangled” data from the black hole. Essentially, the Apparent Horizon/Time Cube RLC attack can be used to “decrypt” lost data from black holes, which Hawking has said was previously retrievable, yet mangled.”

Patch: Vendor contacted, no reply. Go wild, everyone!

Americans are actually RETARDED from

                                                 Religious Academia taught ONEism

…

The ONEist educated with their flawed 1 eye

perspective (opposite eyes overlay) Cyclops

 mentality, inflicts static non pulsating logos

as a fictitious queer same sex transformation.

Finding 2: Severe logic flaw in the Time Cube Reality causes cosmic confusion, resulting in Truth segmentation faults to the unaware. Dr. Troubador elaborates, “While Ray’s Time Cube is logically sound at this point, it suffers from a few misconfigurations in its base system of implementation, which can be leveraged to cause a “neuro-modulating Reality slow-torture cluster” to infuse itself into unwitting victims. The logic flaw above shows that Religious Academia teaches oneness, leading to “queer same sex transformations,” which is preposterous, considering God hates fags.”

Patch: Vendor alerted. No response.

Temporary fix/mitigation: Keep reading www.timecube.com for further englightenment.

This advisory has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc., your very own safe, secure blanket of protection from all dangerous things known and unknown. Purchase our products and pay for our security update subscriptions now, today!
Categories
Fashion News Science Special Interest Technology World

Snapchat Employee Arrested for Selling User Nude "Selfies" on the "Darknet"

snapchatLOS ANGELES, CA – The popular smartphone application “Snapchat” came under siege last week due to a decimating security breach, which allowed Internet hackers to enumerate 4.6 million user names and their corresponding phone numbers, before being halted by the servers API rate limit. Just as the snappy startup fixed its security faults, there came another blow to the reputation of what has become one of the most popular forms of sending sexually provocative, explicit even, pictures to friends, especially amongst teens.

Saturday, January 4th, the home of Snapchat employee and co-founder Dave Davidson was raided by the FBI, along with the Snapchat office in Los Angeles. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the FBI’s Los Angeles branch had little to offer, but shed some light on the allegations: “The investigation is ongoing, but we can tell you that Davidson is being held under suspicion of distributing child pornography– pictures of teens he’d gathered from the Snapchat server– and selling them in bulk on what we have dubbed the “darknet,” a haven for pedophiles and Internet hackers, but we got’em this time… We got’em,” he said with a nod.

The “darknet” the agent referred to is a known nickname for the Tor network, which anonymizes Internet traffic and uses its own pseudo-top-level-domains known as “.onions” where anonymous communities are setup to disseminate child porn, atomic bombs and homeopathic cancer cures.

Colleagues of Davidson were shocked to find out what he had done: “He was always staying late, you know, putting in the extra work or so we thought,” said a Snapchat employee, “He always wore a hoodie with “REVENGE PORN” on the back, but we just thought he was being ironic. This is all quite chilling, really.”