Category: Entertainment

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Entertainment Obituaries

Peter Pan Dies of Drug Overdose

Peter Pan, the artist formerly known as Michael Jackson, died today from an accidental drug overdose.  Notorious for molestation accusations and his love of painkillers, Pan has received unprecedented  media attention. America’s poor Internet infrastructure was unable to keep up with demand for pictures, videos, and music of the acclaimed molester and Amazon has already sold out their entire supply of his albums. Cable television has been playing videos of his former life as a pop star non-stop frustrating the silent majority of non-fans.

Neverland is in turmoil today as the lost boys wonder who will spike their drinks with wine and hold their hands while they sleep.  Given the immortality bestowed upon the inhabitants of Neverland, and the magic nature of Tinkerbell’s fairy dust, some are wondering how Peter Pan could have possibly died.  “It’s beyond my ability to estimate how many painkillers Peter must have gobbled to have died like that, I mean, my crew can literally drink gallons of rum and hardly get a buzz, much less a liver disease. This Neverland place is great!” commented Captain Hook, notorious Somali Pirate turned failed child murderer.

In the past, Pan has had legal difficulties when he was unable to pay a $100,000 pharmacy bill after a two week binge on painkillers. Charges have not been filed, but his personal doctor is under investigation.

Some conspiracy theorists have noted that the CIA targeted Pan out with a electromagnetic death ray satellite. This has been corroborated by the defunct Soviet Union’s intelligence, and may explain how he was able to die in Neverland.  We urge our readers to take this version of events very seriously and without a single grain of salt. Painkillers or pain rays, the true heart of this conspiracy remains completely unquestionable.

Our rival news source, What Does it Mean, reports that this outright assassination was a plot to silence Pan from announcing a major genocide in his upcoming tour of London. This genocide is a plot by the US government which intends to spread the swine flu in order to infect us with an even more deadly “vaccine.” The motive for our government to do such a thing still remains unclear, but Barack Obama is considered by most racists to be the likeliest candidate for Anti-Christ in the past year.

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Entertainment Health News Science Society Status Quo Technology World

Jon and Kate Plus Hate

Jon and Kate Gosselin, parents of six identical twins and stars of a reality TV show featuring their bickering, have finally snapped under the stress induced by the watching nation.  As if Kate’s fertility drug gobbling and the resultant six identical twins weren’t enough, Jon has apparently had the last straw.  Now preferring to do their bickering on day-time TV and via quick comments to paparazzi reporters, their bickering has reached a new level of popularity. This kind of attention to end-of-relationship hatred has reached a new level of shame for the growing audience.

Elf Wax expert Internet sources say that a Twitter feed featuring nothing but Jon and Kate’s texts to each other has in the course of two days reached 40 million followers.  This is unprecedented in the history of Twitter, and more bickering celebrities have decided to publicize their personal texts to each other over Twitter, in a vain and self-deprecating attempt at furthering their popularity.

In similair news, president-elect Mousavi has used Twitter to call for more demonstrations in Iran. The election was decided by Ayatollah Khameini and he has made it clear that he has absolute power to make whatever decision he sees fit. Protest of Iran’s theocratical dictatorship has prompted the government to act in self defense by using violence against their own people and imprisoning any person who publicly speaks against the government.

More to follow on Jon and Kate’s most recent insult flinging in the upcoming hours.

Elf Wax Update: Since Jon and Kate’s disappearance from their coveted prime time cable TV slot, shrewd producers have seamlessly replaced them with actor/comedian Norm MacDonald, improving ratings eleven percent.

[flashvideo file=”videos/Norm_Plus_One.flv” author=Norm MacDonald title=Norm Plus One /]

Norm Plus One

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Editorial Entertainment

Dog Gets Off the Hook

"The Dog" in his glory days.
"The Dog" in his glory days.

Duane “The Dog” Chapman has been let off the hook by America’s Black community.  After the tough guy and convicted murderer shed a few insincere tears for his admitted continual usage of the word ‘Nigger,’ his show is back on the air. Here is the famous quote in which he explains why his son should not date a black woman:

I’m not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I’ve worked for 30 years because some fucking niggers heard us say nigger and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine…So, I’ll help you get another job but you cannot work here unless you break up with her and she’s out of your life. I can’t handle that shit.

Dog the bounty hunter is still filming new shows two years later, despite all the damage he has done to his image in apologizing for his racism.  It takes a lot of guts to shed a tear on Sean Hannity’s television show and still expect to be taken seriously as a bounty hunter.  Perhaps the size of his wife’s heaving chest has mezmerized the world. No other celebrity has ever dropped so many hateful N-Bombs and kept their job.

The dog sheds a single tear for Sean Hannity
The dog sheds a single tear for Sean Hannity

Meanwhile, Michael Richards, 33 degree Freemason and former comedian is not doing as well as Dog.  Shortly after getting filmed making racist remarks to Black hecklers he gave up comedy for spiritual healing.  Currently, Michael Richards is pretending to meditate in Cambodia with a bunch of untrustworthy slant-eyed freaks while spouting Kramer quotes because he enjoys the fact that they don’t get it. Richards phoned Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to apologize, but to no avail. Even a place in a marginal VH1 celebrity reality program will be forever out of his grasp.  Dog the Bounty Hunter must have a ‘G’ pass because he did his apology on Sean Fucking Hannity, whitest of the white collar. He vowed to never say ‘nigger’ again in his life, and has been caught breaking his word by Elf Wax investigators.

Elf Wax contacted Duane Chapman to comment on the leniency that the court system has shown to Michael Vick, and “The Dog” went into a blind rage, breaking his promise to never, ever, ever use “that word” again.

That fucking nigger, and I’m not saying he’s a nigger because he’s a nigger.  It’s because of what he did to dogs, that’s what makes him a real nigger.  You get what I’m saying, right?