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Entertainment Status Quo

Mass Murderer Media Wave

Ayatollah Hussein Obama has granted amnesty to the world’s most famous serial killer.

White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips said the Obama Administration felt obligated on a freedom of speech technicality to release Charles Manson and pardon all charges.

“These California hippies are always hiding behind the First Amendment.”                – White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips, crudely editorializing in front of reporters Thursday

Marilyn Manson fans have gathered outside San Quentin Prison in California alongside some goths and a lesser-known group of people calling themselves cutters. “Cutters” are a mysterious breed of suburbanites that co-exist alongside yuppie parents in comfortable dwellings called McMansions. They have united in celebration and anticipation of Manson’s first hit album, ‘Bad’, featuring Axl Rose and Dennis Wilson on Elf Wax Records.

On a side-note, self-mutilation, or “body-modding” requests are flooding into tattoo shops across the nation. Charles Manson’s fans have requested everything from the regular cross or swastika on the forehead to American flags emblazoned with the swastika rather than 50 stars across their backs.

Said one excited fan, “I got my swastika on the forehead scarred in there permanent!”

“I’m just so glad to see justice that I got stars and bars tattooed across my forehead,” said a sad-eyed transvestite named Lou.

Charles Manson has also launched HelterSkelter.com, a site which Manson says was “coded entirely using only basic HTML written in blood across an Arizona family’s wall.”

The painstaking hours of coding was “worth it,” he said, “because after it was all said and done, I could kick back and watch it all set in.”

Setting up Google Analytics will require a whole different set of organ tissue, he said, and indicated that it would all probably be coded in a baby turtle puree.

Fox has signed a contract with Manson for his starring role in an upcoming reality TV show. Charles Manson will live in a mansion located in Death Valley with several of his fans – only one of which will win a million dollars.

The show’s producers are providing him with a steady supply of LSD, which he will most likely use to enfeeble their minds and break down their personalities. The public has been so awash with buzz over this new show that FX has already purchased exclusive rights to its reruns.

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Entertainment Obituaries

Peter Pan Dies of Drug Overdose

Peter Pan, the artist formerly known as Michael Jackson, died today from an accidental drug overdose.  Notorious for molestation accusations and his love of painkillers, Pan has received unprecedented  media attention. America’s poor Internet infrastructure was unable to keep up with demand for pictures, videos, and music of the acclaimed molester and Amazon has already sold out their entire supply of his albums. Cable television has been playing videos of his former life as a pop star non-stop frustrating the silent majority of non-fans.

Neverland is in turmoil today as the lost boys wonder who will spike their drinks with wine and hold their hands while they sleep.  Given the immortality bestowed upon the inhabitants of Neverland, and the magic nature of Tinkerbell’s fairy dust, some are wondering how Peter Pan could have possibly died.  “It’s beyond my ability to estimate how many painkillers Peter must have gobbled to have died like that, I mean, my crew can literally drink gallons of rum and hardly get a buzz, much less a liver disease. This Neverland place is great!” commented Captain Hook, notorious Somali Pirate turned failed child murderer.

In the past, Pan has had legal difficulties when he was unable to pay a $100,000 pharmacy bill after a two week binge on painkillers. Charges have not been filed, but his personal doctor is under investigation.

Some conspiracy theorists have noted that the CIA targeted Pan out with a electromagnetic death ray satellite. This has been corroborated by the defunct Soviet Union’s intelligence, and may explain how he was able to die in Neverland.  We urge our readers to take this version of events very seriously and without a single grain of salt. Painkillers or pain rays, the true heart of this conspiracy remains completely unquestionable.

Our rival news source, What Does it Mean, reports that this outright assassination was a plot to silence Pan from announcing a major genocide in his upcoming tour of London. This genocide is a plot by the US government which intends to spread the swine flu in order to infect us with an even more deadly “vaccine.” The motive for our government to do such a thing still remains unclear, but Barack Obama is considered by most racists to be the likeliest candidate for Anti-Christ in the past year.

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Jon and Kate Plus Hate

Jon and Kate Gosselin, parents of six identical twins and stars of a reality TV show featuring their bickering, have finally snapped under the stress induced by the watching nation.  As if Kate’s fertility drug gobbling and the resultant six identical twins weren’t enough, Jon has apparently had the last straw.  Now preferring to do their bickering on day-time TV and via quick comments to paparazzi reporters, their bickering has reached a new level of popularity. This kind of attention to end-of-relationship hatred has reached a new level of shame for the growing audience.

Elf Wax expert Internet sources say that a Twitter feed featuring nothing but Jon and Kate’s texts to each other has in the course of two days reached 40 million followers.  This is unprecedented in the history of Twitter, and more bickering celebrities have decided to publicize their personal texts to each other over Twitter, in a vain and self-deprecating attempt at furthering their popularity.

In similair news, president-elect Mousavi has used Twitter to call for more demonstrations in Iran. The election was decided by Ayatollah Khameini and he has made it clear that he has absolute power to make whatever decision he sees fit. Protest of Iran’s theocratical dictatorship has prompted the government to act in self defense by using violence against their own people and imprisoning any person who publicly speaks against the government.

More to follow on Jon and Kate’s most recent insult flinging in the upcoming hours.

Elf Wax Update: Since Jon and Kate’s disappearance from their coveted prime time cable TV slot, shrewd producers have seamlessly replaced them with actor/comedian Norm MacDonald, improving ratings eleven percent.

[flashvideo file=”videos/Norm_Plus_One.flv” author=Norm MacDonald title=Norm Plus One /]

Norm Plus One