NEW YORK — “Readers won’t know what hit ’em,” Donald Trump told The Internet Chronicle on Saturday. “It’ll blindside ’em. This book is gonna hit you so hard, reading it will literally make you retarded.”
Trump said he reached out to chronicle.su to discuss the latest in what appears to be the largest public relations stunt in American history.
Trump clarified remarks made in the “leaked” audio actually were prepared statements written to hype his new book, “Grabbing Pussies.”
“I wanted people to see how I did it,” Trump said. “How I turned a small loan into a booming political franchise. How I walked right up to the country like it was an ATM, and how I just reached out. And grabbed its pussy.”
Mike Pence described his own shock at the book reveal as “apoplectic.” Pence said he hadn’t seen such gross political misconduct since as far back as 2014, when former Va. governor Bob McDonnell and his wife were indicted for selling political favors to Anatabloc salesman Johnnie Williams. Pence said he looks for the same from former Va. governor Tim Kaine.
“Political favor is not to be sold,” Pence said. “It is to be stolen, like an election. That’s democracy.”
An inconsolable Pence did not attend a function in Wisconsin, and could not be reached for further comment.
Look for Donald Trump’s Grabbing Pussies everywhere books are sold, on sale Nov. 2.
[Editor’s Note: Lebal Drocer’s official stance is such that: People are property, and women belong in the crosshairs of male aggression and affection, not positions of power.]
Grabbing Pussies is a Lebal Drocer Production.
CHRONICLE.SU and her subsidiaries are property of Lebal Drocer, Inc.
“Hello Games promised the universe, and they delivered,” says Steam user cUnTmOnk3y69. “No Man’s Sky is about sci-fi novel covers. You fly around and look at math visuals with unprecedented omniscience.”
Users reported getting stoned and playing the popular science fiction exploration game for upwards of 12 hours in a single sitting.
“Although it was pretty boring, we just kept doing it,” says Internet Chronicle game reviewer hatesec. “I upgraded my multi-tool several times. Sometimes that made it worse.”
No Man’s Sky
Features
Interactive online multiplayer
Fly together with your friends, grief opponents online, and imagine yourselves entangled in some kind of operatic space fantasy, because you constantly need to escape.
Massive space battles
Join any faction, and your choices have huge impact on how the game deletes your progress after reaching the center of any galaxy.
Other shit
You get it, the game kinda sucks but I’m being cute about it. Not worth $60. Not worth much, anyway.
It’s official: The hugely anticipated “Andy Griffith” is coming back, airing every Thursday night on NBC.
New Andy Griffith deploys modernized weaponry and rhetoric to reach “a fresh, young, and impressionable digital audience.”
CHRONICLE.SU editors were offered an exclusive first look at footage and scenes from the iconic show’s first new episode, including interviews with shady engineers who violated a nondisclosure agreement to work with us.
Even though the first episode of a four-season contract is already in post-production, details are scarce around the revival of America’s favorite 1960s TV show, which delivers poignant, picturesque, small town life in the Southeastern United States.
However, a boom mic operator who asked not to be named gave insight into plot points he observed while working on the set:
“In this episode, Barney forgets the startup procedure for the mine-resistant armored personnel carrier,” he said. “So he goes pushing all the buttons, but instead of turning on the MRAP, he discharges rocket-propelled teargas at a group of school kids on a field trip, leaving at least one child in critical condition. It’s classic Barney!”
The Internet Chronicle came into possession of a leaked script for the episode. An excerpt is seen below:
ANDY: Now, Barney, look. The media’s coming down on us like Aunt Bee’s homemade pie. Either you’re going to have to take a paid leave and get your head straight, or we’re gonna have to settle with that little blind girl’s parents. Why don’t you take a little time for yourself? Go down to the lake and cast you a line. You’ll feel better, and your job will be here when you get back. We’ll put Josh Holgrove on your beat until you get back.
BARNEY: Paid time Off? Josh HOLGROVE? I don’t know any Josh Holgrove, Andy, they all look the same to me.
ANDY: Now, Barney, aren’t you being a little reckless? Do you mean to tell me that YOU – a grown man, who can tie his tie, who can drive a car, who owns his own house – can’t tell the difference between individual members of this small town police force of 1,200 officers?
BARNEY: Oh, Andy, now you know I don’t generalize, and you know I’m not too old to go to town like one of these boys. It’s just — well, look at ’em, Andy! Just look at ’em. They’re all about five-foot-seven, wear dark sunglasses, and they all shave their heads bald. Who’s Josh Holgrove, Andy? Is he the bald one wearin’ sunglasses? [hold for laughter and applause] And besides, I want to stay here and work with the guys. I don’t even need one bullet, Andy. I’ll go out with NO bullets!
Later in the episode, our source reports, Andy (in his usual good nature) spares Barney the public embarrassment of PTO, and extends Barney the opportunity to retrieve a shipment of fully automatic rifles from the military surplus, but there’s a catch: Barney must learn the value of community.
Andy gives him the job only if he shaves his head, and puts on the body armor, to look like one of the boys. Barney learns the power of teamwork, his deadly accident is swept under the rug, and Aunt Bee makes a mean custard pie.
As credits roll, Barney throws Andy the MRAP keys and turns to look at the camera. Then, Barney takes a step back. As credits continue to roll, he continues backward, fading into a long, navy blue line of Mayberry police officers.
Catch more episodes every Thursday night on NBC Prime Time.
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