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Local News

Heroic Walmart Employee Admits to Not Caring About His Job

Controversy at Walmart
Controversy at Walmart

Cookeville, TN — Tuesday morning a Walmart employee admitted to shocked coworkers that he didn’t care about his job. In what some are calling a “heroic, yet fruitless act,” Jackson Sneed of Cookeville’s Walmart Supercenter did the impossible. While store managers were doing inventory on the newly stocked, yet somehow discounted TV’s, they noticed that one had gone missing. An emergency meeting was called.

Sneed, who was already well known for losing the keys to various doors, was in attendance. “We thought for sure it was Jackson, I mean who wouldn’t, given his track record and all around aloofness?” Said store manager Charles Collingsworth. The team was confronted about the missing television set that the higher ups insisted was gone. They put the pressure on Jackson, having colluded beforehand to get him to talk. They got him to talk alright, but what he said would shock the foundation of that Supercenter.

“We knew Nathan had been working with Jackson to wrap them up in anti-theft film, so we pressured him,” said Collingsworth. Sneed replied with “TV? I don’t remember working with any TV.” So they went to the surveillance tapes and sure enough, there he was, standing there for 20 minutes like an old soul, watching Nathan pull his weight.

When asked for comment, Sneed replied “So then I remembered it later. I had just gotten back from break and i was verrrrry stoned and I do remember standing there, staring at the TV while he wrapped anti-theft around it.” When pressed further he cracked, “So I just admitted that I don’t think about work, even when I’m there, and it’s all just a blur to me, which I forget the moment I clock out.” Jackson said he believes that they appreciated his candor.

Management is currently planning to let him go.

Categories
Local Status Quo

Comcast deploys military police to Ferguson, MO

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

In an unprecedented display of power, the telcom giant Comcast has stationed a battery of private paramilitary forces around the insurrecting township of Ferguson, MO.

The industry giant’s spokesman, Jeremy Malestrong, said the need for intervention became apparent when existing customer service measures proved insufficient to quell the bubbling uprising.

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

“The free market has a solution for Ferguson,” Malestrong said. “State and local customer service representatives armed with tanks, teargas and M-16s are not enough if the agents are unwilling to use them. Our Comcastic death squads will ensure the kind of customer service Comcast users are accustomed to by restoring stability to the region and answering Ferguson citizen complaints, all – and I mean all – of whom are loyal Comcast customers.”

Malestrong said privatized oppression is the next logical step of customer satisfaction, adding that the coming merger with Time Warner Cable could offer a direct solution to the problem of choice.[pullquote]There will be only one source of Internet: us!

Comcast representative[/pullquote]

“After the merger, our customers will no longer be forced into the uncomfortable decision of choosing where to go for the best Internet,” Malestrong said. “There will be only one source of Internet: us!”

Lieutenant Harry Coinpurse of the Ferguson County branch of Comcast customer service issued a press release stating that with the arrival of paramilitary hate forces, the Ferguson Police Department is free to return to the day-to-day police work of pulling over black people and asking where they’re headed.

“By way of the marriage of neoliberalism and socialized oppression,” Coinpurse stated, “we are proud to announce the dispersal of ALL dissatisfied Comcast customers, and will be expanding the curfew to include daytime hours so that you are safer indoors and have more time to spend on your secure, not-at-all monitored Comcast high speed Internet featuring 99.9% uptime.”*

Ferguson residents have issued a slew of responses to their reiterated enslavement ranging from satisfied, to very satisfied. In a survey at the end of the call, at least half of respondents said they would recommend Comcast Systematic Oppression of Justice to a friend.

*Conditions may apply; does not pertain to the entire Internet, and especially not to chronicle.su.
Categories
Local

Holy Toledo: Ohio Town Poisoned by New World Order Thugs

toledo-waterTOLEDO – Toledo is in a state of emergency today after EPA chemists found a deadly toxin in the water that automatically kills anything it touches. After hours of research, no one yet understands the wretched algal bloom that appeared over Lake Eerie and started coming out of Toledoan’s water faucets Saturday.

The price of water in the midwestern town shot up to $10 per gallon, and the town has been described as a post-apocalyptic nightmare scenario akin to “Raccoon City” of the popular zombie survival videogame Resident Evil.

Experts have suggested the toxic algae bloomed “far beyond” what occurs in nature.

Jim Glube, researcher for the federal EPA, said the water supply was intentionally poisoned.

“I’ve seen this before,” Glube said. “You don’t get algae bloom like this out in the wild without artificial intervention. Someone had to go out on the lake and spread this stuff around.”

Glube said the poisoning could be the work of bioterrorists or some kind of “new world order.”

“The move was so calculated, I’m willing to say this was not just one guy,” Glube told Chronicle investigators. “Based on Eerie’s size, and the magnitude of the spread, my guess is this was a calculated effort to bring about some kind of new world order.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is an editor of the peer-reviewed journal Nature. Troubadour said if the town was poisoned, then “Nestle would know something about it,” because they have private access to the lake, but no one from the company would respond.

“Remember the baby formula thing,” Troubadour said. “Nestle is not very cautious. They don’t care, and they are connected to very, very horrible people who believe access to water is not a basic human right.”

As scientists grapple with how to solve the humanitarian crisis in Toledo, politicians are assuring residents up front that they are working on an alternative water solution. And in the back, they’re asking their corporate donors to donate next year to the PAC instead.

The Toledo Health Department says it is critical residents know the following:

  1. It is safe for healthy adults to bathe, but do not let the water stay on your skin longer than a few minutes.
  2. Do not drink tap water until the ‘all clear’ has been given. This also includes pets.
  3. Do not use tap water to cook.
  4. Do not boil tap water, as this increases the concentration of toxins.
  5. It is OK to use your toilet, as long as no water splashes up into your butt hole.
  6. If you’re on well water, have your well water tested daily. If the poisoning was intentional, there is no way to tell who is being targeted or how far the killers will go