Category: News

New America, NM — Citizens in small New Mexico town of New America are taking on both the NSA and corporate data-collectors in a big way with local policies.

New America Mayor Patrick Durndle told the Internet Chronicle, “We’ve adopted our own more patriotic additions to the Bill of Rights for citizens of New America.” Although he admits they do not have any force outside of New American courthouses, he says, “Our municipal internet is implemented with sophisticated cryptography and there’s no fast lane allowed, no mass hoovering of your data. But we believe in the free market! If you want to opt-in and allow marketers to collect your data, you will get a check in the mail.”

New America’s local Bill of Rights states:

1. Any human beings’ intentional and unintentional creations and metadata are the natural property of that human being and not that of the state or any other enterprise
2. All human beings are entitled to the right to be forgotten on the Internet
3. All human beings are entitled to the reasonable expectation of ephemeral privacy, that is, existence outside of coerced eternity in mass data storage.

Democracy Now!, The Real News Network, and other provocative journalism outlets have already put offices and computer servers in New America, applauding its local Bill of Rights on air. Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! told viewers,”The NSA will have real trouble using most of their tools to snoop on our municipal internet, that’s how tight we’ve got the cryptography set up. Our sources can feel extraordinarily safe when communicating with us, and their lives are always on the line. The local Bill of Rights promises to never store or release our personal and professional information without court order and a notification of mass-storage style surveillance.”

Alex Jones, fringe radio anchor, also moved his headquarters to New America and told listeners, “Businesses are flooding into town for the safe internet. Bitcoin bankers, especially, are installing servers in a big way. This is it folks, Bitcoin has a safe zone, a data haven. Freedom has a hold, folks. We’re finally winning. We’ve been looking for this pinhole of light in dark times for decades. I’ve heard that there are these guys, dataheads, hanging around making all their living just by surfing the free local internet. Free Market Free Internet, Rare earth deep earth ionic silver crystals. There’s no need for welfare anymore, it’s all free market. Anyone who doesn’t think New America is the best place for investment opportunities on the entire globe should be killed. That’s how good the economy here is.”

INTERNET — Ebola deaths are mounting across the United States as blood vessels hemorrhage and corpses bloat and turn purple. After President Obama ordered Ebola patients brought into the US, Snowden reports Obama signed a secret executive order rubber stamped by FISA courts to issue a media blackout preventing any reporting on the spread of the disease in the homeland. Untold thousands are already dead, but we’re reporting FEMA military forces descend on the victims and seal them in plastic coffins while they’re still alive.

Some analysts, like Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, believe these bodies are being collected while alive for a final crop dusting of the human population, “It takes only ten thousand bloated Ebola corpses, liquefied and sprayed in the atmosphere, to kill off 90 percent of the world’s population. And that’s what they’ve been gunning for all along. If this Ebola spreads just that far, that will be the end for most humans,” Dr. Troubador warned, adding, “Blacks, Hispanics, and Asians are most susceptible to Ebola and will die off in the greatest numbers, leaving whites in command of the entire planet. This is a culture war.”

We reached Homeland security and spoke to them about the Ebola outbreak coverup in the US. Spokesperson Jeremy Scarhill nodded slowly and half-smiled, saying, “No comment.”

INTERNET — After interviewing conscripts for the Israeli Defense Forces and visiting a Palestinian smuggler’s tunnel, Sean Hannity reversed his long-standing support for Israel. With tears and a distant look in his eyes, Hannity told viewers, “These tunnels are well constructed and clean, nothing like the mud holes I expected. I realized that for a sophisticated system like this, there must be a terrible, constant, collective hunger and isolation somewhere on the other hellish side. I thought of walking all the way through, even though the tunnel was collapsed. I remembered what Christ said about the meek and I re-evaluated my entire philosophy — every day I stand up and defend the strong, the powerful, the rich and the safe, but from now on I will be a defender of the weak in the example of Christ. I have always spoke from my heart, and not just to appeal to the folks at home. I know this may not be a popular point of view, but God bless those Palestinian children.”

As the Israeli genocide in ghetto Gaza reaches new levels of inhumanity, it seems even the most staunch supporters of Israel are backing down. Hannity’s shocking reversal has all the hallmarks of a religious conversion, but some see the move as calculated. Palestinian blogger Farid Arafat said, pointedly, “It is wonderful, the things he said, but I suspect his viewers to have changed his mind for him.”