Art Jihad, underground Brooklyn hipster Islamists, takes credit for raising the white flag over Brooklyn Bridge
INTERNET — A Hipster Islamist “art terror” cell in Brooklyn took credit on Wednesday for raising bleached American flags over the Brooklyn Bridge. Art Jihad issued a statement saying, “The Caliphate [ISIS] is the only government with the sanction of Allah, and next time we won’t raise white flags — we’ll plant bombs.” Analysts say that the white flag is a direct reference to the black flag of ISIS, and to believers the terroristic art represents the inevitable victory of Sharia law over all of the world.
Most assumed the beards worn by Brooklyn Hipsters were only a fashion statement, but new evidence shows that there are in fact tens of thousands of converted Muslims among Brooklyn’s trendsetting youth. However, these hip young converts to Islam don’t ever talk about their religion publicly and only assemble for secret prayer under the cover of darkness.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert on Islamist terror, told reporters, “These hipster terror cells have been working away at Brooklyn for years, using hip magazines to build up a lot of sympathy for Muslims who have been depicted as unfair victims of American imperialist policy. Basically every man with a beard is a part of it, and they prefer the Islamic drug of choice, hashish, over alcohol, or the blood of Christ. At a glance, it is impossible to tell the difference between those who just think beards are cool and those who have been seduced by the black flag of ISIS, but if you see them at one of these nightly prayer gatherings or at a celebration on 9/11, then you know for sure you’ve got a Hipster terrorist on your hands. I think that almost all hipsters in Brooklyn are sympathetic to the terrorist cause.”
Satan’s Army cannot pass through the pearly gates and into suburban heaven
“I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, but most of all I’ve seen short segments on television by fair and balanced news networks that have no vested political interests backing their reporting. I watch them every day, and because of it I know the free market is always the best solution.” ~ My first book, The Poor are Satan’s Army
Healthcare was great in America, and America is a place where those who need healthcare and can’t pay for it will be punished openly on the free market, through a sanction and stigma business which scores your credit rating. Through this system, prices on things like insurance, rent, and so on will skyrocket and you will be suppressed into a lower rank in the caste spectrum. You will earn less money for the same services and gets less money for more work. Potential landlords and employers will run a check on you because they know not to do business with you, as is correct and proper. But thanks to Obamacare, Barack Hussein Obama has personally mandated — in violation of the constitution — that you must submit to government controlled death panels, rather than the free market death panels I rightly prefer. Everyone knows the American government has been incapable of anything since winning the last World War, and now it would probably lose hands down to an invasion from North Korea.
Institutions that prey on those who seem to be unable to exist properly within the domain of capitalism are smitten down by the invisible hand of God. What the invisible hand does is necessarily justice itself. As a good Christian I believe the poor are in fact Satan’s army, otherwise God would not strike them. Separation of church and State dictates that it is right and proper that they may receive help only through the pity of God incarnated in voluntary Church fundraising, or through for-profit philanthropy. Those in the grips of Satan must struggle under the capitalist system, created in the image of God and incarnated through human rationality and statistical math.
I believe that Liberals, generally well-meaning people who are able to make a living, are only the enemy within. Those who can exist comfortably in the warm suburban embrace of God’s greatest capitalist empire are as angelic as any good conservative simply for maintaining a decent and responsible credit rating. God blesses them with halcyon streets free of drugs and vagrancy. Thanks to the stewardship of local police they dwell in a heavenly realm rather than in the hellish streets where existence itself has been correctly outlawed. But the Liberals do not understand God’s creation. They want to lift these demons from their sewers.
I believe we need to get back to what the founding fathers intended. When they said “All men are created equal,” they meant that businesses should be able to put a price on every man’s head within an equal market. And if some people can’t catch a break, it isn’t up to the government to make people equal again, it’s up to the Creator. He gave all people an equal capacity to thrive in the capitalist system, and if they find themselves in hell it is their own sins at fault. Christ only saves those who save themselves, he doesn’t go around writing blank checks absolving everyone for their sins. He only helps those who deserve it, destined from their high birth for a life of comfort and luxury.
But if the Liberals are right, and Jesus really meant that the poor are the only ones who can get into heaven (as is obviously false, if you look at the conditions the poor live in every day) then it would follow that they’d also be nicer people. But, as we all know, they’re mean and angry and more likely to do drugs and sin. They wear symbols of Satan, listen to angry metal or rap music, and brag about how they’re going to hell. Just look at anyone who is a deadbeat and can’t make their own way under the capitalist system. You don’t want to be like them.
Read More in my new book, coming out this Christmas: The Poor are Satan’s Army
Pepsi, Snowden, MH17 and the sanctions that will soon take away many Russian’s favorite drink
INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden unveiled that Pepsi executives bribed NSA overseers for information from several discount shopping card programs and facebook emotional manipulation experiments in order to convert Coke drinkers to Pepsi products. Snowden said, “This is only the surface of emotional manipulation by Pepsi, and they may even employ drink additives in some markets to tinker with the emotions of drinkers. One thing is very important to know: Don’t drink Pepsi.”
Snowden was seen drinking a Coke over his live feed into HOPE X, a conference where utopian technofetishists converge to discuss the beautiful future that awaits us all. The whistleblower smiled and flashed the Coke logo on his can, winking to audiences before taking a satisfying swig of the healthy, mind-control additive-free beverage.
Some critics believe that Snowden may be under the thumb of the Russian government, as Russia is the largest foreign market for Pepsi, which is seen both as a powerful instrument of western imperialism and of cultural influence. Dr. Markov Leninovski, economic analyst from the University of Moscow, said, “Snowden has shown his hand by going after the place where the latest round of sanctions will hurt Russians the most. Russian people love Pepsi, but after the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17, sanctions will soon make the addiction hard to afford.”
