Category: News

NEW YORK — After three consecutive weeks of the most elevated terror alert levels since 2001, synchronized attacks have nonetheless killed millions of innocent Americans on the twelfth anniversary of 9/11, bringing every major city in America to a standstill.

New York City Homeland Security Agents report hundreds of Al-Qaeda agents infiltrated the Freedom Tower construction crew and filled the core of every concrete beam with nanothermite, even as the monumental skyscraper was built. Al-Qaeda sleeper cells successfully evaded all-encompassing NSA surveillance with use of an advanced metaphor cypher which referred to nanothermite as “love” and Allah as “Jesus.” These explosives were detonated this morning, leveling the Freedom Tower before it was completed.

Other Al-Qaeda agents, who made up the majority of the janitorial staff at the Pentagon, hid nanothermite explosives in the office chairs of the highest officials of the US military, killing off the top echelons of the chain of command for the Army, Navy, Coast Guard, and Marines.

Al-Qaeda troops stormed US embassies in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, the United Arab Emirates, and Jordan, before firing Sarin gas into citizens of Tel Aviv. President Obama has been locked in a smoked-filled room in the back of the White House and is rumored to be discussing whether to use nuclear or biological weapons on Syrian and Soviet targets.

Grieving citizens around the nation, who have changed their 9/11 mantras from “Never Forget” to “Never Again,” are waving American flags and rounding up Muslims at gunpoint, ushering them into the safety of FEMA camps with the help of local and regional law enforcement agencies.

LONDON — Veteran Internet Chronicle journalist, Vic Livingstone, was detained for 9 hours today at London’s Heathrow Airport by our parent company Lebal Drocer, Inc. His electronics were confiscated, which included his laptop, cellular flip-phone, numerous tamagotchis and 2 Xboxes.

While the exact reasoning behind his detention is unclear, we believe that it is because of his connections with the Internet Chronicle‘s ongoing earth-shattering revelations with regards to Edward Snowden’s NSA leaks. Authorities asked him a series of questions, some of which included: “Are you working with the KGB?” and numerous references to the resurgence of the USSR as a superpower.

His laptop, which had in it encrypted containers that held what he claims to be his “secret Battlestar Galactica fanfic,” were under a great deal of scrutiny. GCHQ questioned him thoroughly for the encryption key, which he did not give. However, the NSA was too smart for our colleague and cracked his password in one hour, which happened to be the entirety of chapter 7 in Philip K. Dick’s novel “Eye in the Sky.” Livingstone foolishly carried this on his person, as he is prone to having memory lapses due to the damage the targeted cell tower neuromodulation has done to him.

Disappointed that his encrypted container was indeed full of Battlestar Galactica fanfic, Lebal Drocer, Inc. had no other options but to let him go.

Livingstone is now resting safely inside a Lebal Drocer, Inc. pocket universe in a little pub on the edge of Soho to protect him from them. Lebal Drocer, Inc. published his fanfic just to spite him.

With hurricanes building to catastrophic levels off the coast of Africa and the annual 9/11 memorial terror attacks looming, it’s officially pseudoevent season. Analysts expect this year’s rapid-fire Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, and New Year’s holidays to be “bigger than ever and full of surprises.” The terror alert level has been ritually escalated by government officials who also gave a stern warning to citizens, “Do not leave your homes unless it is necessary. Stay tuned to news reports, and stay safe. First Lady Michelle Obama will be holding a press conference this evening and may twerk for cameras after a moment of silence for those brave men and women who died a year ago in Benghazi.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, media theorist, expects more crossover pseudoevents similar to Richard Reid’s Christmas shoe-bombing. Dr. Troubador told reporters, “I’m expecting bigger pseudoevents than ever this year. We’ll probably see something unimaginable like a Thanksgiving Hurricane or a cyberbullied young girl turned Al-Qaeda suicide bomber. Personally, I’d like to see a child celebrity meltdown turn into a school shooting or Gangnam Style dance trend.”

Meteorologists, hoping to draw more attention to their reporting, are using a new naming system for hurricanes and tropical storms which appropriates names from pop culture. Spokesperson for the Storm Naming Association, Harold Harrison, says, “A recognizable name will make sure the average person has a harder time forgetting about the existence of impending chaos. Tropical Storm Miley is already making big waves both in the Atlantic and on Social Media sites like Twitter!”

Because the public craves increasingly astounding stories, Dr. Troubador tells us the pseudoevent season is becoming longer. “One day all events will be recorded on some sort of media or another and fed directly into a permanent database, shattering the very fabric of reality and ultimately destroying all possibility of freedom. The best we can hope for is an acceptable simulation of what life once was.”