MOSCOW– Edward J Snowden, former NSA whistleblower and elite hacker turned traitorous Russian spy, turned coat yet again, Friday, revealing details of the Russian military’s secret plan to detonate a specialized gigaton warhead, the “giganuke,” deep within the earth’s mantle.
According to Snowden, the “Kola Well,” the deepest man-made hole, also known as the screaming hellhole drilled by Soviet scientists in the 70’s, is set to receive the gigaton warhead by August. Its detonation will shift the earth’s axis by 3 degrees, creating a favorable and mild climate in Siberia, driving economic development and tourism in the vast hinterlands of Russia. The nuclear detonation will also serve to transform the earth from a sphere into an “oblate spheroid,” driving more warm currents northwards into Russia.
The gigaton nuking of the earth’s core is only one minor front in Russia’s Special Climate Operations. According to Snowden, there is a “silver lining” to the dark specter of chemtrailing. Russian weather modification programs are reportedly using eco-friendly sanitary colloidal silver aerosols, unlike American chemtrails which rely on heavy metals as well as barium and aluminum in order to control the climate on the cheap.
Roseanne Barr, friend of the Anonymous collective and close confidant of Edward Snowden, told reporters, “When the world tips over like the Russians are planning, Siberia will become a beach resort and the rest of the world will be flooded beyond repair. I’m moving to Russia for my health first, though, and it is also the best real estate investment of my life. I can’t bear to breathe in another particle of Barium. We are Anonymous. We do not forget. We do not forgive. Expect us.”
Old Man Eddie’s cabin is hidden amongst the flowering cannabis plants
The Internet Chronicle, long believed to be a disinformation platform and an injection point for feds wishing to contact the internet’s top hackers, was confirmed Friday to be cooperating with lead psychological operators who cut their teeth on groups like LulzSec and Lizard Squad.
Agent Robert Smith confirmed the leaks after Anonymous investigators confronted him with the documents outside FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
The documents show snitch-ass writers hatesec and kilgoar were entrapped by the amazingly talented writer Tyler Bass, who never approved of their brand of “comedy” and would often publish 150-inch paragraphs inundated with references only he understood. Years later, however, the hidden significance of his important works manifested in the form of handcuffs around his former colleagues.
“We were always there when the party was busted,” kilgoar said. “But we walked. We always walked, until that fateful day when we came across old man Eddie. We were going through some fields, following a trail of psychedelic mushrooms when we came across a holler full of marijuana and an old man pointing a gun at us from a seemingly abandoned house.“
“Hatesec smooth talked our way right into that man’s dilapidated parlor, and seeing my fiddle, the old man puts the gun down and whips out his banjo, starts playing some ethereal ambience. I strained to follow the music, which could only exist in this forgotten place and was so distant from anything I’d previously imagined. Eddie said he was the oldest man in West Virginia, 115 years. But our walk could not have possibly taken us as far as West Virginia, and by appearance he was no older than 90, so maybe he was confused on that point. So we get to jamming, but it was hard for me to follow him and I asked him what key he’s playing in. He gets to talking about how the atmosphere is a secret that will die with him, and I just shrug and try to find some simple melody that will go along. He got aggravated by this, scowling as soon as it started to sound halfway right, and might have picked up his gun if I had continued. He said to me, ‘The trick is it’s tuned to the resonance of yonder,’ as he gestured toward the mountains with his banjo. ‘But it really ain’t tuning, not properly.'”
“Over the next several hours we learned that he had invented many common jokes and sayings, including ‘barn burner’, claiming that he was indeed the man who had lit the proverbial fire with a bottle of moonshine and a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun loaded with Dragon’s Breath. At this image, hatesec brought up the CEO of Lebal Drocer, Raleigh Sakers, as this was his favorite way of burning evidence. At the mention of his name, Eddie’s hospitality was shattered. ‘I taught Raleigh everything he knows, and then some! That little son of a bitch betrayer! Did he send you? Did he?'”
“Eddie whipped out his double barrel, got on the phone with the local sheriff, and the next thing you know that fat bald fucker hit us with 115 counts of trespassing, one for each year of Eddie’s life, he tells us this, and he’s set our bail in the billions, as a gag. Raleigh is on the phone screaming about how he’s going to have Eddie’s cabin droned. Turns out old man Eddie is the mastermind behind QAnon, the alt right, and things much less wholesome than a lil ol’ barn burner, and he’s been manipulating Tyler Bass against us for years.”
The entire staff of Internet Chronicle is now facing over 20,000 years in jail, simply for clicking a link.
Pickers’ stars in History Channel’s messiest divorce!
INTERNET — Sunday, Mike Wolfe of the History Channel’s American Pickers television program told reporters he would be divorcing Frank Fritz, following Frank’s outrageous Will Smith style slapping of “Big Hoss” from Pawn Stars.
Fritz told reporters after the incident, “The moment I recovered from Crohn’s Disease, Mike just didn’t care for me like he used to.”
Mike released a statement to the press which read, “Frank is being stupid, and he knows he was the one who was spending too much time on Elden Ring. We were never going picking enough because of his Crohns, the pandemic, and when we were watching through all the episodes of Angry Video Game Nerd we got into a bad fight. I was trying to make a joke about how Elden Ring was a shitty game, he took it the wrong way because of his Crohn’s. The truth is that in 2022, with this being the most popular game in the world, AVGN’s bit about shitty controls and difficult challenges in games just doesn’t slap like it used to and it was just aggravating. Now Frank’s calling me ableist and he’s trying to cancel me, but I’ve done nothing except try to make our relationship work throughout these hard times. I had to walk away. Also, I would like to send condolences to Big Hoss and his family. I’m sorry that you got drawn into this, and I still love you.”
Mike added, in bold text at the end of his statement, “Is this the end of the Pickers? Nope. No way. I see it as a new beginning. I’ve still got Danielle and she was always way better for haggling than Frank anyway. As a gay man I would be perfectly happy marrying her and her wife.”
