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President Obama OKs Plan to Remove All Curvy Profiles From OKCupid

“Nobody wants ’em anyway,” added the President.

That people corner all the fungus in your frame

take it easy

I wanna live a life in vain

Make it women

[pullquote]god damn humanity vortex[/pullquote]You sit there with your fucking smartphones (smarter than you are), eyes sucked into them like a god damn humanity vortex. Is there anything more important than a fucking text message in this world? How about the fact we are all walking around in a motherfucking society?

“Nah, man. Nah, you see there’s this person sent me a text.”

Yeah, I get texts too and I don’t live to check and reply to them. I let that shit wait, why? Because it’s a fucking SMS sitting on a SIM-card. Why should I give a fuck somebody text me? You know what I do when I get a text? Options > Erase All. Because I don’t fucking care about your texts OR your phone calls.

Obama likes to Occupy Wall Street, if you know what I mean folks. I mean he is IN THOSE FUCKEN OFFICES REGULATING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER – just kidding, deregulating neoliberal globalism FTW UP IN HERE. WHERE MY BANKERZ @

“We’re right here sir.” Oh, good. Present thine penids so that I may sucketh thee.

Bankers present penids.

MMMMMMM THAT’S GOOD CAPITALISM! FREE MARKET SOCIETIES HAVE FEWER CHILDREN AND FEED THE CONSUMERIST APPETITE, APPLE PRODUCTS, EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES, FLAT SCREEN TV’S, MOTHERFUCKING PLASTIC SHIT.

Fuck you.

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Sunday Prayer for the Internets

This prayer is for all the thousands of visitors funneled into Chronicle.SU from google, believing they have found a pornography web site. Take your hands off your penis and kneel for this. When your family left for church this morning and you refused to go, we know it was so you could masturbate to Internet porn when everyone left the house. This prayer is for you.

Let us pray.

Hallowed be our Lord and Savior Inglip, director of cats and CEO of the Internets.
On this Sunday, make us strong oh Lord, for we have sinned.
We have walked through the valley of the shadow of /b/,
We have bickered with your followers on Twitter,
We have masturbated to your porn twice a day,
And we have streamed illegal content directly into our hard drives.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into Anonymous,
For thine is the glory,
The Power
And the Internets

Amen

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Totallyfalse.info Leader “Done In”

totallyfalse.infoLadies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that our dear compatriot Nick Maccombs of the totallyfalse.info has abandoned helm of the fine publication totallyfalse.info.

It is my regret to inform you all Maccombs suffers from Parkinson’s disease, which is no laughing matter. Additionally, he has finally succumbed to a long battle with Alzheimer’s. Nurses close to the editor said he’s “all fucked up” and “pretty much done in.” Nick has forgotten his passwords to everything, and is no longer capable of going online.

It is with great pleasure I announce chronicle.su hereby reserves the right to the Maccombs estate, including the domain totallyfalse.info, as relinquished upon apprenticeship to Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiaries – [outlined in the Legal section of this site.] This includes all intellectual property rights and access to personal finances.

Let us pray:

Dear Lord, we ask that you protect Maccombs on his holy quest. We ask that you make all the dinosaur bones go away, so that people will stop pointing to Nick as proof of your nonexistence, Dear Lord.

As I walk through /b/ in the shadow of death, I need do no evil, for you are with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort and pleasure me.

Amen.

Amen.

All rise.

Except you, Nick.

Rest in Peace.

This message brought to you infinitely by Lebal Drocer, Inc.