Category: News

While America is distracted by the proverbial debt ceiling, the gay children of Michele Bachmann’s constituents are killing themselves. The neverending “queer hunt”, as the Bachmann family calls it, rages on. We tried to reach Michele for comment, but only got her voicemail, nagging us for personal details and an outline of our agenda. We decided the next best thing was to try calling her openly gay husband, Marcus. His phone rang for 11 long minutes, but at long last, we heard the breathless panting of Perez Hilton echoing through his speakerphone. We were ecstatic, but confused. Why was Perez Hilton answering Marcus Bachmann’s office phone? Our investigative instincts took over, and out came the perfectly articulated stream of questions we so often practice.

The following is an actual conversation between Lebal Drocer investigators, Marcus Bachmann, and Perez Hilton.

LD: “Perez Hilton?”

PH: OooOOoooohhh, your voice is so gruff and manly!

LD: Is Marcus there?

PH: [In the background] sweetie it’s for you.

MB: Who is this?

LD: We are an elite team of therapists, specializing in breaking our nation’s youth of the homosexual curse.

MB: Well good gosh, there is a God! How would you boys like to come to my cabin in Spring Lake Park? We can discuss our work in my new jacuzzi, it has an extremely invigorating massage setting. [Groans from Perez in the background]

LD: Well mister Bachmann, we’re actually calling about the gay suicides in your wife’s district. We like how you were able to make them look like genuine suicides, and we would like your help getting these suicides rolling.

MB: Oh honey, it was easy. We had their friend’s facebook accounts hacked and cyberbullied them for about a week or two. We then hacked the queer’s account and posted suicidal thoughts.  Just before everyone gets genuinely worried, we sneak into their rooms and stuff their mouths with Viagra. I don’t have to tell you what happens next! We force feed them a handful of their parent’s pills, wait for them to expire, and let all the evidence fall into place.

LD: I like your style Bachmann, we could use a man of your integrity and biblical love of Jesus on our team at Lebal Drocer Inc.

MB: Sweetie, you’re gonna have to work HARD to get me on your team.

LD: [The sound of suppressed vomit]

PH: BABY come back to bed, Fudgy is lonely.

LD: [More vomiting]

MB: I’m sorry boys, DADDY CALLS!

Browsing through today’s headlines, I was shocked to find that a “press release” I wrote in support of my trollfriend Topiary turned me into a hacker from LulzSec. Damn. Maybe I am. I get drunk and do things I forget sometimes. I was also accused of wrongly quoting Medgar Evers in the name of Topiary, but not a single fuck was given. One cannot misquote an idea, and quotefags can fuck off.

After finding out how the International Business Times artificially elevated my personal status to that of a LulzSec hacker, I quickly logged onto AnonOps to claim my rightful place as channel moderator. However, #AntiSec was deeply involved in a discussion about who was the best hacker, so I stayed out of it. Generally, it’s best to stay out of #AntiSec. The only problem is that all the other channels are consistently dead.

Bereaved, I’ve spent all day trying to figure out what to do with my new status as LulzSec hacker and spokesperson. I don’t even have access to the LulzSec Twitter account, but if I did, a million billion bitches would be reading my badass tribute to Topiary. Also, Justin Bieber would be up to his ass in accusations that he tried to force Selena Gomez into an abortion. I spent all morning obsessing over every detail of the fake SwagSec swag, the fake e-mails, and the fake story. And not one single little girl posted a comment crying about her loss of innocence! God damn, I’m a failure.

Tuesday, shops in Norway pulled Anders Breivik’s favorite games from their shelves. Among the list of banned games are Call of Duty and World of Warcraft. Brevik not only enjoyed these games, but praised their real value in training him for the Utoya massacre.

“‘I see MW2 more as a part of my training-simulation than anything else. I’ve still learned to love it though and especially the multiplayer part is amazing. You can more or less completely simulate actual operations.”

In an apparent domino effect, goods of all kinds related to Breivik have been banned throughout Norway.

The Breitling Crosswind model, Breivik’s most beloved watch, has been been outlawed in Oslo. Wearing a Crosswind in the capital is now an offence punishable by up to three years in prison. Authorities have tracked down the Crosswind Breivik sold for bomb supplies and shipped it to Iceland for destruction in an erupting volcano, as authorities believe it could be the source of some of Breivik’s evil powers.

Breivik wrote of the essential role of an iPod in his attack, “I will put my iPod on max volume as a tool to suppress fear…” In one part of Norway, Ipods were rounded up and pulverized with Breivik’s preferred bomb-making food processors, which are made by Electrolux. After the Ipods were pulverized, the blenders were thrown on a stack of Breivik’s favorite books, which were first soaked with his choice cologne, Chanel Platinum Egoiste. The cologne-soaked book pile which was mostly made up of 1984 and Atlas Shrugged burned brightly as the blenders full of crushed iPods melted into a single mass.

Meanwhile, radio stations across Norway scoured their collections and discarded the entire “Vocal electronika” genre, as it was Breivik’s favorite. Production of an opera by Wagner mentioned by Breivik in his manifesto was terminated and banned from Norway permanently.

Coderock, Norway’s greatest graffiti artist – according to Breivik – was found dead in his apartment.  Coderoc’s personal collection of art purposefully defiled and smeared with his tangentially guilty blood.