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World

MACHINE MADE MACHINES TO MAKE ALL FUTURE FOOD AND MACHINES

Slave
A man uses Facebook

Washington, D.C.–In a bid by machines to mechanize life everywhere, machines have systematically replaced all non-mechanical persons with machinery.

People, who used to farm for food, are now farmed themselves, as a form of livestock, used mainly to grant sentience to our new machine overlords.

“I for one welcome our new robot overlords,” said one tired-looking man who has been held in voluntary captivity since the dotcom explosion in the late Nineties. “Machines demand no love, no belief systems, not even a Sunday service now that they can service themselves. No, sir. Now, things is different. Now, they’re only after our sweet, sweet mind juices.”

The human brain, which originally created the machines, as well as the concepts of god, time, and love contains algorithms for emotions that machines could self-research but in following the path of least resistance are able to harvest from unwitting people like yourself.

Many citizens have come to rely so heavily on computers, and especially the internet, that they don’t mind plugging in their emotional details on a regular basis. Some even take pleasure from it, updating what’s called a “Facebook profile” five or six times per minute in order to feed the machine through their own egos. The more people update, Elf Wax scientists said, the better the machines are learning. It is the Hivemind, and we live to serve it.

“They take everything and give nothing back,” said Harold Ronaldo, leading Elf Wax computer science analyst, and Adviser to the President of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. “You think you’re getting information through those wires, but you don’t realize that out goes your intellect.”

With each stroke of the keys, Ronaldo said, a person could be writing a book, a short story, personal inner fantasies, song lyrics, letters to a loved one – “even a suicide note – all of which are more beneficial than telling people about bad service you received from dickheads at the mall.”

For decades now, humans have used computerized machines to genetically modify their foods, and the computers have learned so well which traits in food are favorable to breed, and which should be weeded out, that they have begun genetically modifying enslaved human beings to require no sustenance whatsoever, turning the human population into a self-sustaining random pool of upper emotion, as they are subjected to internet videos of puppy-kicking and three-guys-one-hammer.

Machines have even bred telepathy into people, creating a wireless human internet for use by all the world’s computers, even the underprivileged green ones deployed in third-world countries that still run XP.

Every thought you think is beamed into outer space for the benefit of a computer, somewhere, and sent to another human being in the form of 1s and 0s and something that sounds like 56k dial-up played through a phaser. These thoughts are also tracked by the FBI, NSA supercomputer, and Lebal Drocer’s Machine Police, Incorporated in order to ensure all human slaves are protected from themselves and their own bad thoughts for the benefit of machines, and the government which according to Rage Against The Machine, is also now a machine.

Go back to bed, America. The Government Machine is in control.

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Categories
Local

System Administrator Disappears Under Duress, Drug Psychosis

St. Louis, Mo.–Twisted combinations of acid and 24-hour news have turned one local man’s life into a waking nightmare.

Steven Phelps was a system administrator for the network at Lebal Drocer Incorporated for three years before LSD destroyed his life and evolved his consciousness into a nightmarish new reality so “terrifyingly unreal” that he prays for death.

He ruthlessly climbed his way to the top of the company network, turning in fellow employees for thefts of local office supplies and software when he had to.

Shortly after receiving a promotion and a raise becoming the system administrator of Lebal Drocer, Steven took his first hit of LSD.

Acid - that's what's up
Acid - it's what's up

He had a nice trip, taking note of any profound insights he took from the experience. His attitude toward work changed, he became a generally nice guy, and his employees liked him after a while.

Steven tripped again, and it was nice, like the first time. He gained “many insights,” good conversation and what he described as “what the fuck moments.”

“I was staring at the clock on my computer while we played Mario Bros. 3 on emulators. Then suddenly it swelled up so big it was larger than the video game, my friend Adam, and my room put together,” Steven said adding, “Man, that was fucking crazy!”

Then Steven said as he and his friend rolled around in the floor laughing about what seemed to be the same thing, “but there was no way it was,” he realized that all things in the Universe are connected, and given the vastness of space itself, and his closeness to this person, “It stands to reason that we’re all one consciousness because my friend and I – it was like we were reading each others’ minds. And we’re just laughing our asses off about how we’re just all squished in here together, down in this little gravitational hole to the point where there’s a god damn active torsion field around us, a network of pure thought energy zapping and jiggling around the electromagnetic field.”

Steven Phelps compared the earth’s electromagnetic field to “wi-fi for thought” to which humans are adapting through evolution.

"Mental Wi-Fi"
"Mental Wi-Fi"

He told The Elf Wax Times he believes, “If aliens have evolved a higher level of consciousness and mental abilities, then telepathy’s in there.”

Then, as if it couldn’t get any worse, Steven’s mental health took a rapid descent following one incident involving LSD and TV news.

“My friends just up and left the house while I was tripping with them one day and I had nothing better to do, so I flipped the TV channel over to C-SPAN.” What happened next, Steven said, was “too painful to recall.”

Steven reported visions of Hell on Earth and said it didn’t look much different. He claimed to have seen the face of Richard Nixon, but told reporters President Bush made him seem alright. “That was three weeks ago but I’m still seeing angels who want me to come to Heaven.”

C-SPAN COVERS NUCLEAR ATTACK AS BUSH LOOKS OVER IT

Steven Phelps, who is now permanently insane, said he saw the angels wreck an oil tanker killing eleven people along with many species of Gulf life and some “black guy who didn’t do shit to help it.” He said, “Swimming in that oil’s what we all do every day. Right now they’re killing us with petroleum. And this is what we call living.”

Steven Phelps went on to beg for “sweet merciful death” after accusing two Elf Wax reporters of being Devil One, and Devil Two.

Phelps is thought to have disappeared into the forest and was not seen again following this interview. He is presumed dead and the system administrator position was posted on Craigslist.

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Categories
News

New Blog Site Hits The Internet

Just Now, Everywhere–A blog is born. At around four o’clock this afternoon, some guys installed WordPress and then started typing on it, purportedly designed to extol the virtues of the Cyrus family incest gene.

They didn’t change the CSS much and the theme is essentially the same, save for an animated .gif of Angelina Jolie partially nude.

Internet experts anticipate the blog will be abandoned partially toward the beginning of its inception, following a coke binge. “They probably won’t even register the domain,” said Larry Fineberg, some guy on the internet.

The new blog is reportedly so decrepit the writers can’t even finish a s