Personality disorders are a significant, and highly sought after, social distinction in American society. But so-called “experts” warn increases in mood disorders pose a threat to public health in the United States, and probably elsewhere – surely there are other places – but who fucking cares about them?

Mental illness is cool

Romanticizing school shooters is not only fun, it’s profitable, too!

While the over-pussification of American society has pushed down crime rates overall, mass murder and public shootings have dramatically increased.

Raleigh T. Sakers instituted a rule to be followed by all news desks, from CNN to the Internet Chronicle, that in the event of a mass shooting, each publication is then expected to dig deep into the sordid, abuse-enhanced backstories of such losers as those douchebags from Columbine, or that incel from 4chan, or Barron Trump.

Then we publish it: chronicle.su style

Not enough people know how sexy it is to shoot up a school, according to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Chief Researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Brooding Evil.

This has not stopped anyone from turning into a sociopath, Troubadour said, adding that there is “no hope” for the future.

“I’m OCD,” Troubadour mocked. “I’m bipolar. I’m depressed. Oh, I was molested by a babysitter.”

Everyone’s depressed, at least in America, Troubadour said. As long as you aren’t actually depressed, it’s cool as shit to be depressed!

Leading experts from the Boulder, Colorado University of Like Whatever Man say school shooters reflect Millennials’ rejections of societal norms. University fellow Susan Crabtree blames the increase in sociopathic disorders on growing pressures from modern economic mainstays.

“When you live in a capitalist society such as this, it’s just gonna fuck you over in the end,” Crabtree said. “There’s people out there today still working in the same conditions that once made Upton Sinclair’s dick hard. Have you seen what customer service does to people?”

Children are sooo fucking special

We reached out to today’s youth and asked them what’s the big deal with you little idiots? Like why are you all acting like you have depression when you’re actually just useless, boring, uninteresting underachievers, like your friends?

Dr. Troubadour said that in his 30-odd years of conflict resolution, he believes narcissists and sociopaths are an increasing public annoyance, but hardly a health hazard.

If instances of personality disorders continue to arise, he admits, it could be time to institute a mandatory mental health purge, and begin eradicating bloodlines that can’t suppress the urge to appear brooding, moody or introverted.

Sakers looks to another approach:

“We have enough music. We have enough tortured artists. We already got enough fuckin’ poetry. Write some god damn fucking comedy or get the fuck out of my timeline. You’re not made for this business. You’re weak! YOU NEVER TRANSCENDED! Now go back in there and suck your momma’s titty til you’re finished cooking because I don’t need to get shot up while I’m at the god damn opera.”