A Las Vegas bartender was taken in for psychiatric evaluation after colleagues reached out to authorities, warning their friend’s behavior and personality had become unusually warm and relatable. Deputies agreed David Burkstrom was a threat to himself and a nearby mall where he was known to shop, and he was arrested Wednesday afternoon as he left home for work.
“I can’t talk so I guess I got nothin’ to say!”
“I stopped David as he was walking to his car” Sheriff’s Deputy Matthew Digsby said in a press conference. “I was with my partner. David raised his eyebrows. He smiled, showing us his teeth. That was when we saw life in his eyes, and that’s when I knew he was present and dangerous. We took him out.”
Authorities later admitted they had already begun tracking David when he stopped using his Kroger card and began paying for everything with cash.
In an exclusive interview with chronicle.su from his jail cell, David Burkstrum said it was getting too difficult to keep up “the whole sarcastic empathy schtick.”
I thought it would be funny if I identified with, and cared for, other people. I did it as a joke.
And it was hysterical. Months became years as brick-by-brick, David built around himself an igloo of cold irony.
Tender, loving communication washed over David’s lens to the world and blew away as though his very soul was coated in Rain-X. So did messages of hostility and outrage.
Though David could feel neither, he believed it would be funny to behave like these things got to him, because with David, that’s not what you expected.
“I’m just a husk of a man, now. I’m a hollow, bitter old log wearing the same painted on smile television whores use. I was doing a bit!”
Daniel Serling’s face is permanently locked into a catatonic stupor after “epic” LSD freakout
A man’s ego was shattered Thursday while in the depths of an LSD freakout so intense, even his neighbors reported feeling it.
Jill Stern, 73, says she was peering suspiciously at the world through her blinds when she felt uneasy.
“I sort of felt what I’d call a cosmic disturbance, like Danny was up there freaking out,” Stern said. “I just knew that when I got up there, Danny’s ego wouldn’t be there no more. By the way, something’s wrong with me.”
Sure enough, when Stern arrived in the bedroom, there sat the hollow shell of Daniel Serling who, after partying with friends, reportedly went home and listened to Pink Floyd all night.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, chief chemist at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals and Chemical Research Labs, says Roger Waters so systematically and effectively breaks down the ego, that Troubadour and others are lobbying congress to reclassify Pink Floyd’s music as a schedule I drug.
[pullquote]Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.[/pullquote]
“I mean they’re all sitting around, dosed out of their skulls, evolving in front of us and meticulously presenting it in perfect musical form. That’s fucked up, it’s illegal, and it’s bad for the economy.”
Dr. Troubadour said his research leads him to believe that after Serling’s meltdown, people are less likely to buy the sweet new iPhone 7 Replacement Plus that Serling unfortunately believed were made from babies, ground into dust. Ordinarily, this story would end there. But because Danny’s ego collapsed so hard in on itself, the event has already begun pulling the collective unconscious down with it, destroying our shared concept of self, piece by piece, and replacing our motives with his enduring “Baby Dust craze.”
“He’s making us all dumb!” Troubadour told reporters. Suddenly, the doctor stood up and roared, slamming his fist down through the particle board coffee table decorating the Internet Chronicle‘s Grand Foyer.
“I already feel retarded! But the lucky bastard up in that apartment right now doesn’t think anything anymore. Do you understand me?” Troubadour demanded, corralling a huddled group of petrified reporters into his back office. “I want baby dust.”
Danny’s best friend, Attorney John DeSoto, said Danny was one of those dudes who seemed dead inside anyway, and the world is unlikely to notice the death of his ego, the realization of which is what caused the collapse and oh my god what’s it all for, it’s all for nothing.
“Like there just wasn’t anything behind his eyes, you know? Me stupid at the moment, and must forgive but I forgetting empathy, but I bet that was tough, being a flake and weirding everyone out with your presence,” DeSoto said. “We were usually happy to see him leave the party, anyway.”
DeSoto reckons Danny’s ego being shattered was not such a bad thing for the community, and maybe even serves some greater purpose to humanity. But Dr. Troubadour disagreed, adding that a steady regimen of vitamins and TerrorMax could straighten Danny out and reshape him into the laborer, citizen, and believer God wants him to be.
“We’re going to get him some Vitamin B-12 and help him relearn how to go to work on Mondays. So in the meantime, keep him away from those Garfield comics!”
Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.
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