Category: Health

Your rotting body

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Dr. Troubadour’s Summer Health Tips For an Alpha Male Physique

You can be an inhuman monster just like this man -- Read Healthy As Fuck! by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, and dehydrate yourself until your skin is nothing but a thin sheet over your muscles. It also decreases chances of ball itch!

Sup Broski? Dr. Trubes here and have I got a Hot Heaping Helping of Summer Health Tips for YOU!

Reading totally blows dicks, but stay with me, betacucks, and you’ll come out on the other side a stronger, healthier, and more dominant, Alpha Male.

  • Angstrom H. Troubador’s new self-help health book for “bros,” Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!

    Keep a buff summer body by poking yourself with steroids on a regular basis. But remember: If you’re not yet yelling at your best friends, you still haven’t taken enough.

  • Stay flexible by all the time looking over your shoulder. There might not be anybody there wanting to hurt you this time, but now your neck is limber and taught!
  • Use DMT. The dream molecule makes veteran fighter Joe Rogan STRONGER than a mule, because spiritual gains translate directly into muscle mass, bro. If you will it, dude, it is no dream!

How to get a six pack

Can you lift Steel? Go to any corner store and pay a man $15. Buy something with pep: Steel Reserve. Just kidding! *(we have fun here) And before we move on–

[THIS JUST IN]

CHRONICLE.SU RECALL ALERT

A popular pharmaceutical called TerrorMax has been recalled after reports the medicine was made in a laboratory situated on a uranium spill site. When Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals acquired the disaster area in 2013, they promised to use the site only for experiments, and not mass production.

An inside source close to the laboratory insists the drug was recalled because “the effect is unintentional.”

“It’s not necessarily bad,” the source said, “but you will get cancer in your pituitary gland.”

“Day and night we heard trucks dumping in the river,” Melody said. “Now everybody’s sick with Pituitary Strength TerrorMax. We didn’t ask for this! We bought REGULAR TerrorMax!”

It is now well known the site has been used as a medium scale production facility since at least March 2017, when Pituitary Strength TerrorMax was first introduced into Asian test markets.

News reporters gathered outside the Troubadour Hotel want to know:

Who are you wearing?

dr troubadour“Oh this? I’m wearing Gucci, baby. Ya piece of shit. And that’s my Lambo. It might lack the performance of a Ferrari. That’s because it’s a style car.

I’m Dr. fuckin’ Troubadour. You’re sick. Pay me.”

That’s Fake News

Terry is a Lebal Drocer Rewards member. He gets access to new drugs faster, and his prescriptions last LONGER! | chronicle.su
Terry is a Lebal Drocer Rewards member. He gets access to new drugs faster, and his prescriptions last LONGER!

“Dr. Troubadour gave me a prescription for percocets.”

Every week I put my life in this doctor’s soft, soft hands.

I don’t trust a man who won’t bang horse with me from the same needle. I trust Dr. Troubadour.

Do not approach Dr. Troubadour from behind.

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Health

MAN WHO RELATES TO OTHERS IRONICALLY NOW STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN SARCASTIC EMPATHY

A Las Vegas bartender was taken in for psychiatric evaluation after colleagues reached out to authorities, warning their friend’s behavior and personality had become unusually warm and relatable. Deputies agreed David Burkstrom was a threat to himself and a nearby mall where he was known to shop, and he was arrested Wednesday afternoon as he left home for work.

“I can’t talk so I guess I got nothin’ to say!”

“I stopped David as he was walking to his car” Sheriff’s Deputy Matthew Digsby said in a press conference. “I was with my partner. David raised his eyebrows. He smiled, showing us his teeth. That was when we saw life in his eyes, and that’s when I knew he was present and dangerous. We took him out.”

Authorities later admitted they had already begun tracking David when he stopped using his Kroger card and began paying for everything with cash.

In an exclusive interview with chronicle.su from his jail cell, David Burkstrum said it was getting too difficult to keep up “the whole sarcastic empathy schtick.”

I thought it would be funny if I identified with, and cared for, other people. I did it as a joke.

And it was hysterical. Months became years as brick-by-brick, David built around himself an igloo of cold irony.

Tender, loving communication washed over David’s lens to the world and blew away as though his very soul was coated in Rain-X. So did messages of hostility and outrage.

Though David could feel neither, he believed it would be funny to behave like these things got to him, because with David, that’s not what you expected.

“I’m just a husk of a man, now. I’m a hollow, bitter old log wearing the same painted on smile television whores use. I was doing a bit!”

-“David”

This article is Part 2 in a 2-part series called “Who or what am I?” written by hatesec and compiled by Dr. Angus “Mark Wright” Troubadauer.

Lebal Drocer, Inc.

"Face that mayonnaise."
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Health

UNBELIEVABLE CATASTROPHE: ACID “FREAKOUT” BLAMED IN WRONGFUL DEATH OF LOCAL MAN’S EGO

Daniel Serling’s face is permanently locked into a catatonic stupor after “epic” LSD freakout

A man’s ego was shattered Thursday while in the depths of an LSD freakout so intense, even his neighbors reported feeling it.

Jill Stern, 73, says she was peering suspiciously at the world through her blinds when she felt uneasy.

“I sort of felt what I’d call a cosmic disturbance, like Danny was up there freaking out,” Stern said. “I just knew that when I got up there, Danny’s ego wouldn’t be there no more. By the way, something’s wrong with me.”

Sure enough, when Stern arrived in the bedroom, there sat the hollow shell of Daniel Serling who, after partying with friends, reportedly went home and listened to Pink Floyd all night.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, chief chemist at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals and Chemical Research Labs, says Roger Waters so systematically and effectively breaks down the ego, that Troubadour and others are lobbying congress to reclassify Pink Floyd’s music as a schedule I drug.

[pullquote]Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.[/pullquote]

“I mean they’re all sitting around, dosed out of their skulls, evolving in front of us and meticulously presenting it in perfect musical form. That’s fucked up, it’s illegal, and it’s bad for the economy.”

Dr. Troubadour said his research leads him to believe that after Serling’s meltdown, people are less likely to buy the sweet new iPhone 7 Replacement Plus that Serling unfortunately believed were made from babies, ground into dust. Ordinarily, this story would end there. But because Danny’s ego collapsed so hard in on itself, the event has already begun pulling the collective unconscious down with it, destroying our shared concept of self, piece by piece, and replacing our motives with his enduring “Baby Dust craze.”

“He’s making us all dumb!” Troubadour told reporters. Suddenly, the doctor stood up and roared, slamming his fist down through the particle board coffee table decorating the Internet Chronicle‘s Grand Foyer.

“I already feel retarded! But the lucky bastard up in that apartment right now doesn’t think anything anymore. Do you understand me?” Troubadour demanded, corralling a huddled group of petrified reporters into his back office. “I want baby dust.”

Danny’s best friend, Attorney John DeSoto, said Danny was one of those dudes who seemed dead inside anyway, and the world is unlikely to notice the death of his ego, the realization of which is what caused the collapse and oh my god what’s it all for, it’s all for nothing.

“Like there just wasn’t anything behind his eyes, you know? Me stupid at the moment, and must forgive but I forgetting empathy, but I bet that was tough, being a flake and weirding everyone out with your presence,” DeSoto said. “We were usually happy to see him leave the party, anyway.”

DeSoto reckons Danny’s ego being shattered was not such a bad thing for the community, and maybe even serves some greater purpose to humanity. But Dr. Troubadour disagreed, adding that a steady regimen of vitamins and TerrorMax could straighten Danny out and reshape him into the laborer, citizen, and believer God wants him to be.

“We’re going to get him some Vitamin B-12 and help him relearn how to go to work on Mondays. So in the meantime, keep him away from those Garfield comics!”

Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.

But that’s nothin’ a little TerrorMax can’t FIX RIGHT UP!

That’s right moms, all new TerrorMax SSRI-Legal US Version PRODUCT PATENT 2018-01-24-692379.b tablets are just the thing to get your mopey teens off their butts and onto The Right Track.

“Our little Stacey’s ego nearly died after an enlightening experience in the woods with her friends on mushrooms. But ever since then, we started lacing her dinner with TerrorMax PM, her night vision has improved 20-fold, and she is the most popular kid in school.”

Never feel depressed again with all new TerrorMax SSRI-“Legal US Version rated ‘Safe for Human Consumption'” again, or your money back, guaranteed! Again!

Danny’s dying ego made us dumb. Isn’t it time you felt numb?

“TerrorMax. You. Feel. Nothing!”