Immediately following the government reopening, the FDA reportedly gave “emergency approval” to a powerful new opioid for jazz musicians whose deep souls are in deeper pain.
The profound words on this page will have you crumbin’ for Dr. Troubadour’s new medicine for the soul, Miles fuckin Gravis, a totally bomb-ass way for you and your boys to
Forever 27
Miles Gravis will send you to an early grave!
Offering instant, long-lasting relief from bullshit like misery, grief, heartache, and sorrow, Dr. T’s Proprietary Opioid makes Gray Death look like sunshine.
Take the 27 Challenge!
FREE SWEEPSTAKES – ENTER TO WIN
An opiate-wary audience is considered out of reach to marketing pedagogues, so Purdue has teamed up with Lebal Drocer Inc to run a cheap little sweepstakes, called the 27 Challenge.
The first 10,000 musicians to die with Miles Gravis still in their systems will be entered into a contest to be immortalized in the 27 Club as the posterchild and lead tragedy for Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals (runner-ups play sideman!)
”I’m Phil Buckman, and opioids have ravaged the town I grew up in, killed my friends and family, and robbed a generation of stability. It will work for YOU, too!”
The Internet Chronicle is wholly, totally complicit in their scheme and shamelessly promoting it here. And what are you gonna do about it?
I’m Raleigh T. Sakers, and I triple-dog dare you to ask me to stop — Hate Radio, 2019
We’re all getting older, and we’re gonna damn die someday.
Pour a little Miles Gravis on that misery and watch in painless amazement as the newest drug from Lebal Drocer creates the smoothest, trippiest, psychedelic jazz you NEVER heard.
The unprovoked attack appeared as part of routine bullshit called Microsoft feature roll-up, a process during which Windows 10 users’ machines do hidden things with implied consent, “like magic.”
For years, Windows has milked its userbase for extra coke money.
In the latest update, a pop-up briefly explains that it has been a while since you paid Microsoft for something, so the Fall Creators’ Update is offering users a choice between premium digital licenses to kiss Bill Gates’ fuzzy, wrinkled ass, or else go fuck yourselves and downgrade to Home Edition for free.
A sleek, modern update portal now lets users subscribe to a random kick in the dick by simply doing nothing. Uncheck a box, or agree to recurring charges, because you deserve it. The first update’s on the house!
Have your credit cards ready, because these Microsoft Windows 10 updates don’t fuck around.
Personality disorders are a significant, and highly sought after, social distinction in American society. But so-called “experts” warn increases in mood disorders pose a threat to public health in the United States, and probably elsewhere – surely there are other places – but who fucking cares about them?
Mental illness is cool
I’m depressed!
Romanticizing school shooters is not only fun, it’s profitable, too!
While the over-pussification of American society has pushed down crime rates overall, mass murder and public shootings have dramatically increased.
Raleigh T. Sakers instituted a rule to be followed by all news desks, from CNN to the Internet Chronicle, that in the event of a mass shooting, each publication is then expected to dig deep into the sordid, abuse-enhanced backstories of such losers as those douchebags from Columbine, or that incel from 4chan, or Barron Trump.
Then we publish it: chronicle.su style
Not enough people know how sexy it is to shoot up a school, according to Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Chief Researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Brooding Evil.
This has not stopped anyone from turning into a sociopath, Troubadour said, adding that there is “no hope” for the future.
“I’m OCD,” Troubadour mocked. “I’m bipolar. I’m depressed. Oh, I was molested by a babysitter.”
Everyone’s depressed, at least in America, Troubadour said. As long as you aren’t actually depressed, it’s cool as shit to be depressed!
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour delivers babies into the world, and works hard to keep them from acting like little bitches about it.
Leading experts from the Boulder, Colorado University of Like Whatever Man say school shooters reflect Millennials’ rejections of societal norms. University fellow Susan Crabtree blames the increase in sociopathic disorders on growing pressures from modern economic mainstays.
“When you live in a capitalist society such as this, it’s just gonna fuck you over in the end,” Crabtree said. “There’s people out there today still working in the same conditions that once made Upton Sinclair’s dick hard. Have you seen what customer service does to people?”
Children are sooo fucking special
We reached out to today’s youth and asked them what’s the big deal with you little idiots? Like why are you all acting like you have depression when you’re actually just useless, boring, uninteresting underachievers, like your friends?
“I was all dissociative for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and out-of-reach. That didn’t work, so now I appear in other people’s black and white photography smoking a joint.” –Jenna, 17, is now considered cool among her peers“Actually, there’s a lot of unseen pressure coming from within. I am just a baby striving to pay my bills, but I’ve already risen to the level of Captain in the armed forces. I once wanted to paint nature scenes. And I sometimes wonder, ‘What if?'” –USAF Captain John Fournier, 15 months old“The only sounds louder than the voices in my head are the terrified screams of my victims.” –Tommy, 13
Dr. Troubadour said that in his 30-odd years of conflict resolution, he believes narcissists and sociopaths are an increasing public annoyance, but hardly a health hazard.
If instances of personality disorders continue to arise, he admits, it could be time to institute a mandatory mental health purge, and begin eradicating bloodlines that can’t suppress the urge to appear brooding, moody or introverted.
Sakers looks to another approach:
“We have enough music. We have enough tortured artists. We already got enough fuckin’ poetry. Write some god damn fucking comedy or get the fuck out of my timeline. You’re not made for this business. You’re weak! YOU NEVER TRANSCENDED! Now go back in there and suck your momma’s titty til you’re finished cooking because I don’t need to get shot up while I’m at the god damn opera.”
Raleigh T. Sakers, Lebal Drocer, Inc: “Get the fuck out of my office.”
