Vladimir Putin revealed his battle with testicular cancer, Wednesday.
MOSCOW—Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, announced Wednesday afternoon that he is currently undergoing treatment for testicular cancer. Testicular cancer affects over 50,000 people every year, but the survival rate for those who receive proper medical treatment is well over 90 percent.
Putin has been receiving chemotherapy in Finland since the Winter Olympics in Moscow, sources say. Doctors plan to remove Putin’s affected testicle in a surgical procedure called an orchiectomy.
Russian Citizens were crestfallen, but hopeful. Dmitri Yanuzhoye, a new Crimean citizen of Russia, told reporters, “One of Putin’s testicles is worth five pairs of American president testicles.”
Putin came to represent masculinity for men across the world, especially after masterminding a carefully veiled invasion of Crimea and eastern Ukraine earlier this year. John Thiessen, expert in geopolitics, said, “The US and its presidents come and go, never taking any serious risks and inevitably screwing up their poor attempts at paternalistic control over helpless nations, ever since Vietnam. But Putin’s balls have been pumping so much testosterone they’ve grown a tumor. He’s facing down the EU and the US, enemies he can never hope to defeat, every single day.”
Ebola Memes are the hottest memes out there right now. Learn more about them here!
Georgia authorities are trying to determine how many people a news editor exposed to Ebola.
Cuthbert, Ga.—The CDC ordered chronicle.su staff members to stay home Friday and asked them not to enter their Cuthbert, Ga. office until it can be determined their squat of a newsroom is clear of the dreaded #Ebola virus.
“He tippy-tap-typed on that keyboard all god damn day, I guess I better disinfect it,” Kilgoar said, “as if he’s actually going to publish anything that might make us some money. And now the motherfucker’s got Ebola. Now he is Worthless.”
Beloved editor and author of several incomplete manifestos, Hatesec never made any money for the hatenest website on the internet, chronicle.su, Kilgoar said. “And now he won’t, because he’s dying from the #Ebola.”
When hatesec began hashtagging Ebola, fellow journalists thought it was a pitiful grab for retweets – and it was certainly that – but it also became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
While volunteering with Doctors Without Borders in West Africa, as he was known to do in his limited free time, @hatesec said he contracted Ebola after moving a pile of fresh bodies.
“I was helping this Chinese lady move bodies and because Obama cut our aide, we didn’t have anymore protective gear, so we just moved the bodies by hand,” #hatesec said. “And that Chinese lady, I don’t think even knew what Ebola was. I think she was unfit to work at the iPhone factory so they had her moving corpses.”
Hatesec blamed the Chinese woman for his ailment. “That bitch kept unfolding the blankets we were using as a stretcher and she had me touching blood. Now I’m fucked. I hope she is, too.”
The Chinese woman’s name, condition and existence have not been independently confirmed, but hatesec assured doctors that regardless of her condition, she is an ignorant asshole.
Hatesec is probably going to die because he could not afford his ObamaCare but even if he could, he maintains that ObamaCare is a form of socialism and roundly rejects its validity. So he will be stored in a plastic box where he can no longer contaminate society with his filthy body, and filthy ideals.
“Think about how handy FEMA coffins will be when the virus breaks out though,” Kilgoar said. “You’re going to want those plastic sealed containers. You don’t wanna burn up, that just lets it out. You want to lock it away in a plastic container.”
Leading Pathologist at Princeton University Dr. Angstrom H. Trouboladore, described the added danger of burning hatesec’s corpse, and other American corpses.
“You know what happens when you burn a body? Its internal organs — its stomach explodes, and it can squirt out fluids 20 feet away,” Trouboladore said. “It could happen, you know.”
Several flights were cancelled heading into and out of Cuthbert Friday.
A fabulous new “Universal Theoyr of The Humanities” deployed by the NSA promises twenty thousand years of US cultural dominance.
A fabulous new “Universal Theoyr of The Humanities” deployed by the NSA promises twenty thousand years of US cultural dominance.
WASHINGTON, DC — A new branch of Science, Internetology, was declassified by the NSA on Tuesday afternoon. NSA spokesperson Gerald Witherdeen told reporters Internetologists have been working for decades in secret with the NSA, and they claim to have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that 99.9999% of all people’s opinions, gathered through a sample of over 7 quadrillion exchanges of language, are now harmonized perfectly with the Mainstream Media in a secret program called Broadband Psyop.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeted, “Staggering! The world’s biggest scientific study,” and Stephen Hawking said of the work, in an interview, “It is a huge disappointment to me that humanity has discovered The Universal Theory of The Humanities from the shadows, so to speak. My mind boggles to think what is known about Sciences in the secret labs of the United States. Do they have time machines they’re hiding from us?”
Types of exchanges of data analyzed in the Internetology study includes but goes well beyond comments, private emails, public and private chat sessions, all social media networks, vloggers on youtube, internet radio, all cell phone calls, as well as all popular video chat services. This data is harvested, compiled, and centralized through a sophisticated network parallel to the one shown to us in Snowden’s handy PowerPoint leaks.
Dr. Troubador plotted the Fractally Recursive Harmonic Curve by approximating desired effects emergent in the data and employed “full spectrum” propaganda campaigns altering all bands, targeting what Troubador calls “ideologia” or quantified ideas, as well as ideology on the local and global scale. He found that the ideal influence curve is a static 15 dimension shape that folds beyond physics and into “play physics.” With this complex model and a simple toolset, the problem of propaganda is an automated process. Demodulating and modulating particular discussions and controversies through an algorithm presents the United States with what some have called a “Doomsday Bomb of Propaganda.”
“I noticed this gigantic blistering node, the heart of the pulse showing up on all frequencies, hitting highs and lows all over the field like nothing else,” said Dr. Angstrom Thor, NSA Internetologist, Father of Internetology, “It was the Chronicle.SU.”
Dr. Thor explained that Broadband Psyop could so effectively enhance the image of the United States and all of its component local governments, dark governments, and corporations that President Obama himself signed off on the test, even though it targets every US citizen. Dr. Thor said, “What we found out was that the Mainstream Media was already doing our job for us, harmonizing voices into a coherent whole. When we happened upon the Chronicle.su and studied its characteristics, we, let’s say, reverse engineered it and immediately weaponized it. We created bots that hijacked the entire corpus of Chronicle.su and systematically rewrote it. The bots composed articles with perfect timing, wording, and all vectors of dissemination were nothing but tactical targets. The effect of the ‘Broadband Psyop’ tactic was so incredible we immediately ended the experiment. The fervor is still reverberating, at increasing rates, especially in the south. The most common word used in private in the south became Secession immediately after we began our experiment, so we turned it off.”
Analysts suggest that the NSA declassified the extent of their scientific advancements both as much-needed propaganda as well as to justify their spying apparatus, but most importantly they wanted to beat Snowden to the big punch they knew was coming.
