Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

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Technology

Anonymous releases ‘Apesgone’ malware into Ethereum’s blockchain

Source: Twitter.com

INTERNET — Crypto markets took a steep dive, Saturday, after news of a novel type of malware, which researchers are classifying as a blockchain worm, reached the press. Apesgone is named after a viral tweet from @toddkramer1, who lost his NFTs to the virus. The Apesgone malware spreads through blockchain transactions, corrupting vital information and effectively destroying the cryptocurrency forever.

The hacking collective Anonymous took credit for releasing the virus into the Ethereum blockchain, Friday, issuing a press release on pastebin announcing “Operation CryBro.”

Source: Pastebin.com

Ethereum inventor and Yogi, Vinay Gupta, said “Now’s not the time to sell! With the virus destroying so many tokens, their value is only going to skyrocket.”

Gupta stressed his optimism about the future of crypto in the face of an all-out assault by the world’s most feared hacking collective. “This thing, apesgone, it will eventually wear itself out, just hold!” Gupta began to chant and moan, “HODL HODL HODL. I GOT DIAMOND HANDS.”

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Categories
Health Sports Technology

Aerosolized Vaccine to be distributed to Americans via “chemtrailing”

“INTERNET — Wednesday, the Biden administration rolled out plans to spray aerosolized mRNA COVID-19 vaccine over rural areas with low vaccination rates. The aerosolized vaccine, developed by pharmaceutical giant J&J, is “safe and effective” when administered by aircraft.

President Biden told reporters, “We can’t have these podunk towns incubating dangerous new strains of a deadly virus just because they think that’s going to make them more free. That’s the kind of malarkey that is getting thousands of Americans killed.”

“Today, I signed an order allowing for the wholesale spraying of the safe and effective aerosolized Corona vaccine, in several areas with shockingly low vaccination rates,” President Biden told reporters.

Opponents of the vaccine have suggested taking precautions appropriate for imminent chemical warfare, and some rural towns have reported a surge in sales of duct tape, plastic sheeting, and air purifiers. However, Biden’s announcement comes nearly a month after the military began secretly administering the vaccine.

Gerald Helmsworth of LaPlace, Indiana, hailed this announcement as “doomsday” and has been posting to facebook from inside of his fallout shelter. “This is the big one, folks, the final and ultimate push for patriot genocide. He’s sprayin’ us down with that poison since we wouldn’t inject it ourselves.”

Bug-eyed and shaking, Helmsworth told his facebook fans, “On the one hand, you have to give it to him. I didn’t think he had it in him. On the other hand, I’m prepared. This bunker is hermetically sealed, with ten air scrubbers lined up just for this occasion. I honestly feel bad for you if you think that duct tape on your windows will do anything at all.”

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Categories
News Technology

Gmail migrates ‘hangouts’ functions to Google Voice

INTERNET — The geniuses at Alphabet megacorp have really fucked up this time, destroying their own gmail web site by migrating some of its only functions into a provably inferior website no one would ever want to use, Google Voice. This piece of shit web site allows users to view only one text message conversation at a time, makes no sound at all when messages are received, cannot embed links or videos, and frequently freezes the browser for minutes at a time.

Why would Google purposefully mangle their own web site, setting users back fifteen years? How could anyone even conceive of such a shitty web site? A roadkilled raccoon smeared across ten miles of highway could write better software. The dried piss caked underneath the lip of my toilet is more useful and has more features than Google Voice.

After the first time I was forced to use Google Voice, I shattered my PC case, ripped out the RAM containing that vile code, and after grinding it to pieces with my garbage disposal I washed it down the drain. Then, smelling the stink of shitty software all through the neighborhood, I had my septic tank emptied.

Inside Google’s boardroom the executives are exploring their ears and noses with screwdrivers as a crayon lunch is served to them on a silver platter by a chimpanzee in a butler suit. “Our decision is final!” the chairman screams, smearing Elmer’s on his tie and pissing himself. “I am the computer KING,” he announces, shattering open his smartphone. He takes a deep breath of the toxic flourine battery vapors just moments before an ignition which bursts open his chest, sending viscera across the room. The executives clap and dance, their shouts and laughs muffled by mouthfuls of crayon. “Google! Google! Google!”