Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

Categories
Technology

Google HATES Internet Chronicle

The Internet Chronicle is ROUTINELY abused by the dominant search engine Google

Schmidtty baby, what's wrong?
Schmidtty baby, what’s wrong?

First, Google took away our ads. Google doesn’t tell anyone why they take away your ads. Google just takes.

Then Google sent us letters about their new algorithm blaming us for falling down their rankings. They would say shit like, ‘Our new algorithm sucks the dick of any site with large text for mobile, but actually since yours don’t have that, you guys can go fuck yourselves.’ So we adapted our site, and they told us to go fuck ourselves anyway.

And then they said broken links don’t do anything for them anymore, so whatever, I fixed all 1,100 broken links. Too little, too late: only useless infrastructural pages like ‘tags’ appear in chronicle.su related searches. Who gives a shit about tags? No one except Google, who either believe that is our site’s most relevant content every time, or just discovered a fresh way to tell us to go fuck ourselves.

You can’t find anything on Google about us. If you want to search this website, you have to pull up a chair like a big boy and sit down at your desktop computer. Then you may use the Fact Checker to the right hand side of the page to find content. This is our way of telling everyone else to go fuck themselves. Google. You. Everyone. There’s your search engine. It’s free to click in there and type.

Waddup with dat, right? Ordinarily, this would all seem pretty unfair. But we keep it even. I already told Google to go fuck themselves in 2012.

dr troubadourDr. Troubadaddy says:

“Google can eat a dick in 2018, too.”

Categories
Society Technology

Facebook figures flail following ‘Fake News’ freakout

NSA Today
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says “Real News” threatens Facebook profits

Menlo Park, California – After months of fucking with the Fake News Feed, Facebook earning reports state sitewide use has fallen by more than 50 million hours every day. Since they started dicking with the fake news feed Facebookers rely on for their daily news, they have turned to other sources for their fake news needs.

Mark Zuckerberg said he was “fuckin with it to make it more friendly and easier to spread Real News, like my 2020 presidential self-installment process that – and I reiterate – has not yet begun.”

2017’s fourth quarterly earnings showed a dramatic drop in revenue, supporting theories that claim readers are less likely to change their minds in the face of facts or evidence.

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Lead Researcher at the Paleocybernetic Institute of Singularity Studies (PISS), said his market research team is helping Facebook spin this data positively for shareholders. He even says he has a clever plan for Facebook to pacify investors by blaming poor profits on public health measures they have not yet put in place.

“In 2018, we’re focused on making sure Fakebook isn’t just fun to use, but also good for profits,” Troubadour said in a statement this afternoon. “We’re doing this by encouraging meaningful connections between people and businesses that sell them shit, rather than the passive consumption of poisonous Internet Chronicle stories … By focusing on meaningful connections, we can more easily trick the community into believing this rotten, sagging load of shit in their pants called Facebook would EVER act in their best interests.”

Sponsored Content

Are you a dipshit on Facebook? Do YOU believe every headline you read? If you answered yes to either of these questions, that’s because you’re awake, self-deprecating, and you get it. You must be an old soul. You probably agree Facebook would do well to remember Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy social media profile.

Facebook: Follow Dr. Troubadours three-letter principles, and get your facts straight post-haste:

L.ower Carbon Footprint

S.teady diet of grapefruit and TerrorMax

D.on’t fuck with the Facebook news filter

Use L.S.D. to keep the mind limber. This promotes business, starts jobs, and revitalizes the bitcoin!

dr troubadourDr. T says:

Invest in khaki pants and tiki torches, because the news is about the get REAL

And now back to the Real Fake News

There are rumors the speed of Facebook’s growth is now limited to the sum total of global population growth, now that the data mining corporation has touched every living soul with its aggressive tentacles of datarape.

“Mankind’s data set is virtually saturated,” Troubadour concluded. “If he wants to be President of the Singularity, Mark Cuckerberg needs to quit twiddling his knobs and let the free market run its course.”

Comment section:

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everything’s fake anyway.” +1 :D +2 Likes

“I already put my baby on Facebook, because they/there ain’t got NOTHING to hide!” +1 Like

“S Jew W.” +1 :O +12 Likes

Categories
Sports Technology

Cult-leader ‘kilgoar’ BANNED from Rust: “Ye fiyed”

FILE PHOTO: Old Brutus assaulted fellow employees as they tried to restrain him. Witnesses say he bit, kicked and scratched Executive Editor Kilgoar Trout. Brutus later threatened suicide.
FILE PHOTO: Old Brutus assaulted fellow employees as they tried to restrain him. Witnesses say he bit, kicked and scratched Executive Editor Kilgoar Trout. Brutus later threatened suicide.

I’m cucksec and you’re reading the Future of News ‘Net Chronicle.su

After a juvenile, embarrassing and misdirected rant posted to internet hate site CHRONICLE.SU – creators of the videogame Rust banned a player named “kilgoar” who wrote the “BLOG post” seen by millions. A ‘blog is short for web-log which – unlike this news site – is not credible and can be written by anyone.

In his fake news ramblings, “kilgoar” calls Rust a SHITTY GAME that is a WASTE of time, because he sucks at Rust, which sucks now too, he says. He did not say that but we are saying that.

kilgoar’s actions are REPREHENSIBLE and WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS SITE. He has been FIRED, cucked from his place of power by game designers, which means the game is currently being designed with kilgoar’s absence in mind.

‘The cuck rule,’ designers call it, only applies to kilgoar, because he doesn’t understand Rust – having sunk a paltry <400 hours into the anarchy simulator – currently in “Beta” and characterized not by the game’s current development stage, but the people who play it.

A ‘Nightmare Cult’

People close to kilgoar, including followers of his illegal text and audio backchannel, warned me kilgoar’s decisions and movements have become twitchy and possessive.

“He orders us into the asbestos mines like his slaves,” said Ham Sterman, who himself admits to succumbing to kilgoar’s cult of brutalizing tribal aggression. “He asks if we’re cold, but not because he’s concerned for our health. He just likes knowing we’re cold.”

Cuck of week Kilgora the Explora

kilgoar, dressed to the nines, leads exodus to Flavortown, Mass.