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News Religion Uncontrollable Patriotism

Arizona Christians refuse to keep ‘toddler death family’ in prayers after tragic loss

“Fuck her. We’re pro-life.”

Hello Internet! I’m hatesec, and I am here to mansplain to you idiots a little story about dumb people. Okay, that’s the setup. Here’s your fucking story, and it goes a little something like this:

*clears throat* "First of all, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for coming..."
*clears throat* “First of all, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for coming…”

Dear Internet, stupid people sometimes let their Babies die in obvious, easily preventable ways. Why, just last week a young Arizona desert family let their larva babysac die after abandoning it in a hot car and then letting that car fall into gear and roll downhill, into an industrial greasetrap behind the Target on exit 57, just 45 miles from their home, which authorities say is normal in that area to drive that far to Target, which was weird because that sort of editorializing is not usually included in reports, but what the hell do we know?

Anyway, these mongoloids went on TV like they always do to register their grief to some pale, hungover, sickly-looking television reporter. But this time, Roz gave us something a little different. These Good People refused to pray for the godless animals who killed their little baby through negligent stupidity.

“We feel for them. We really do. We feel for ’em all. That baby dying stabs right into the motherfuckin’ heart of this community,” Shannon said. “But we just can’t keep them in our prayers. Their family – it’s just – you know… Well, they aren’t like us.”

The Davidsons next door also refused to keep the family in their prayers, but instead sent their regards.

“She had an abortion the year before,” Jeff Davidson said. “That’s just what she wanted anyway. It’s the same thing, right? I send my regards.”

Jeff operates the Davidson Family Facebook account, which a federal investigation recently found to have accepted money from CHRONICLE.SU, a website stationed in the Former Soviet Union.

The FBI believes chronicle.su is feeding money to well-meaning midwestern Facebookers in a bid to spread dangerous and subversive satire materials to unsuspecting readers ONLINE, through Fake News Media Outlets such as Facebook.com, Twitter and Google.

[Editor’s Note, doomsday preparedness edition: Internet Chronicle is rumored to be poisoning all our minds, and we must rise up dear citizens, and let us all be leaders against Her Tyranny, down with the so-called “glorious” and purportedly “infallible” CHRONICLE.SU. Let your nightmares become reality, with Extra Strength Terrormax PM. Take it once, and never fall asleep again.]

The Davidsons receive daily SMS messages from Raleigh Theodore Sakers, the recently defamed Internet Chronicle publisher who has been driven to live in a fortified compound beneath an abandoned missile silo. Sonya, Jeff’s wife or somebody named Sonya, showed us Raleigh’s latest message.

Ya don’t care to watch your baby, you just wanna go, go, go. Don’t care to — yeah she got an abortion didn’t she. Little Susie got an abortion. And that’s why Miley had to go. YOU CAN’T PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR KIDS, SU$AN. You abort one and keep another? You’re a little bitch, Susan, just like your mother!

Roanokers ‘weren’t happy’ with latest iMessage outburst

What was she?

When the local church asked the community to kneel and pray for the Smiths, people stood up instead, and turned their backs to the priest. They weren’t happy.

“Some people walked out, and a few stayed.” said Mohinster. “Some prayed, but you could tell by their posture they didn’t mean it. They was praying ironically.”

Susan Delaney’s girlfriend, Joyce Barker, sent her one final text before turning the gun on herself. In the message, she gets all hyperbolic and guilt trips Susan which is an understandably tired premise:

For Your Love, I would give you all I could.

For your love, I would give you all I knew. I would lay down on a bed of spikes and wallow in dirt, fire and piss. For your love, I would lay in the sewers and bathe in disease. But I won’t pray for your dead baby, because you are a baby killer, and religion is literally all that I know. IT’S ALL I CAN UNDERSTAND.

“Just you wait!”

— Dr. Angstrom Troubadour

So naturally everyone was really freaked out to begin with, Chronicle surveillance expert Dr. Angstrom Troubadour said, upon reviewing videotaped footage of the texting as seen through her bacdoor!d webcam from god only knows where, but you can buy it! It’s for sale. It will make an excellent episode of the news, just you wait buddy. Just you wait!

Anyway, a baby died in that story, but really what more can I say. They wouldn’t pray for those people. You read it here, first. Religion, on chronicle.su

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Who is Susan, anyway?
Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

Chronicle.SU denounces Muammar Gaddafi

gaddafi in shades
Gaddafi reigned supreme until landmark Internet Chronicle announcement

After much thought and heavy consideration, Media Mogul of Chronicle.SU ended his long-running campaign of support for Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, and denounced him Thursday.

“We believe he’s been kind of mean,” said Mogul.

Chronicle.SU described Gaddafi’s actions as “rude, unnecessary and uncalled for.”

“We don’t like how he treated them boys,” said Mogul. “I think those people deserve drugs and videogames more than anybody, and it’s a tragedy he ever took it away when that whole thing went down. But I guess that is why, as he died, they raped him with a broom handle.”

Coming up, after the break: Why YOU should medicate YOUR depressed children, starting from birth.

Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

Cost of Freedom on the rise

Washington, D.C.–The cost of freedom rose another ten barrels of crude Friday, according to a Pentagon report published by Secretary of War Donald Scumsfeld.

Freedom, experts say, might never be free again, according to projections by the War Secretary that reveal an alarming increase in the cost of freedom over time.

Freedom was worthless in 1996.
Freedom was worthless in 1996.

“We expect the cost of freedom to double, or possibly even triple with the cost of oil in the third quarter, depending on what rights people are willing to give up, and in exchange for which illusions of security the NSA might reasonably offer.”

Millennials are pussies.

Donald Scumsfeld, Sec. of Ass-Kickin’ Drone Warfare

Some liberal cowards don’t want war, Scumsfeld said. Others hate foreigners enough to support total invasion and occupation their oil-rich desert countries.

“Our research shows Millennials are pussies, this much is obvious,” Scumsfeld said. “But even so, [they] don’t mind drone strikes as long as they don’t have to see pictures of dead kids on Instagram or Twitter.”

“Ew, get these gross dead people off my timeline!” – @J3ssicaR4bbit27

An unanswered CNN poll revealed that – although Americans are still largely divided along party lines – one thing Americans can agree on is that freedom of choice represents a right to the freedom not to choose.

One participant in the poll, who did not answer the poll but instead commented in the field below, said:

“We don’t care what all the government takes, as long as they don’t take away my American Pickers.”

Another good American citizen said he doesn’t like the way people in turbans make him feel, and that a search-and-seizure warrant should not be necessary as long as the government’s suspicions were “justifiable” and based on “gut instinct.”

“When I look at somebody’s different from me, I can’t really put into words the terror and confusion I feel in my gut instinct,” Anonymous bravely stated. “All I know is, when I get scared, I get mean and hateful, and buddy let me tell you this right now: If I get scared and attack somebody I hate on the basis of my prejudgments – or, prejudice, if you will – and you want to call that a hate crime, then by God, I guess I’m a hate criminal. What do you call that? Like a terrorist, but the other way around, right?”

Like many Americans on the Fourth of July, the despicable Chinese also take a break from stamping out iPhone 7s to celebrate their freedom every year on June Fourth – the same date of “the incident” that should under no circumstance be named.

At that, we turn to our Freedom Correspondent who writes from Freedom, Wisconsin, located at the crossroads of the Fox Valley. That’s right. Freedom is really located on the FOX Valley.

———————————————————–

Freedom, Wi.–Nothing’s free here. You have to pay for groceries, a house, your car – even gasoline. Some people just stare at the Sun, because it appears free. Little do they know, even staring at the Sun comes at a great cost. Little Timmy Sutherland, of Cartaret County, Wisconsin, lost his vision after staring directly into the sun during a commercial break from Naruto.

And so on, you get the idea. Good lord, are you still reading this?