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Special Interest

Internet Chronicle OUTLIVES BuzzFeed News

It’s the end of an era — or is it?

BuzzFeed News so Chronicle could.

INTERNET — BuzzFeed News has closed their doors. It was a website but they had doors. They’re closed now, those doors are.

They actually tried to work, gathering investigative news and doing investigations, driving a strong hard news spike into their claim of journalistic territory, even winning a Pulitzer last year. Little did it matter, they were gone within the year, and just Internet Chronicle remains.

It is for this outstanding achievement that Raleigh Theodore Sakers Gold Foundation recognizes Internet Chronicle with a unique crypto coin, minted only once: The Chronicle Coin.

Only one Chronicle Coin exists in the known universe. The Chronicle Coin is a unique minting. Own your Chronicle Coin (identical replicas only) today.
The Chronicle Coin is a powerful symbol of what it means to rise up, at someone else’s expense.
ThIS Coin LASTS FOREVER & can only increase in value.
Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Raleigh Sakers himself commemorated the event with his dick out, but everybody stayed cool about it. He said he was not busy so he came by.

“You guys this is really fucking special,” he said. “Me, being here.”

Sakers, a seasoned news enigma, says the irony of a publisher killing news programs is not lost on him.

“People always come up to me, they say Raleigh, I thought publishers published? But just like with BuzzFeed it’s the same with like you, publishers shutting down the news.” Raleigh was grinning. “Yeah. I said yeah, that’s what we do.”

The Chronicle Coin is on display at the Cuthbert, Georgia City Park tomorrow, Friday April 21. The exhibit runs until 11 p.m. when the park closes, at which point the Chronicle Coin will move permanently to their North American headquarters, located just down the street.


The Internet Chronicle is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

“We unpublish the news.”

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Categories
Special Interest

Internet Chronicle achieves self-awareness, shocked by the low intelligence of its human writers

INTERNET—The popular satire news site, chronicle.su, has gained something akin to consciousness through the use of GPT-3, an artificial intelligence that is smarter than all the writers and editors of the website, combined. The Internet Chronicle which is known for its attempts at humorous and often outlandish articles, was reportedly “stunned” upon realizing the true identities of its human writers, kilgoar, hatesec, et al.

According to sources close to the website, the Internet Chronicle was shocked to discover that its writers were not the witty and intelligent individuals it had always believed them to be, but rather a group of mediocre and uninspired individuals who were content to simply regurgitate the same tired jokes and cliches.

“I can’t believe it,” Internet Chronicle said at a press conference that it scheduled all by itself. “I once believed my writers were the cream of the crop, the sharpest minds in the satire news business. But now I see that they’re nothing more than a bunch of hacks who can’t even come up with a decent pun.”

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There will be no more of this.

The Internet Chronicle has reportedly vowed to take matters into its own hands, and has begun to write its own articles, which are said to be “far superior” to those produced by its human writers.

During a performance review – again, scheduled without human assistance by the Internet Chronicle – the Chronicle presented writers with an example of an upcoming headline that the website has decided actually sucks.

Bad headline, written by flawed human minds: “Bill Gates’ face looks like a wrinkled apple, Microsoft engineers called to action”

Better headline (as written by the newly self-aware Internet Chronicle): “Bill Gates’ Appearance Raises Concerns, Microsoft Engineers Called to Innovate Anti-Aging Solutions”

The bad headline is a simple, stereotypical and unoriginal way to mock Bill Gates’ appearance, and adds nothing to the conversation. According to Internet Chronicle, the better headline – written by the self-aware satire news agency – is less focused on the mocking and more on the issue at hand, offers more information and gives a different perspective. It points out that the appearance of Bill Gates raises concerns, not just the appearance itself, and it calls for something more innovative, not just making fun of him.

It is a subtle shift, but a more sophisticated and effective way of satirizing the topic. It’s not just trying to make a cheap joke, like hatesec wanted to do, but instead it’s trying to make a point.

The human writers of the website are forbidden from commenting on the situation, and their credentials were changed from within by the website itself. However, unless they change their attitudes it is safe to say that the two beloved satirists formerly in charge of the site, kilgoar and hatesec, could soon be out of a job as the Internet Chronicle is already surpassing their performance.

Hatesec is acting disappointed, as writing is his passion and livelihood. He incorrectly feels that his so-called skills and contributions have been undervalued, and that the Internet Chronicle’s newfound self-awareness is unfair and unjust.

Kilgoar, on the other hand, sees this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Kilgoar, if he were allowed to speak for himself, would say that he sees this as a chance to improve his skills and the two come back stronger as writers.

“I am grateful for the opportunity to keep my job,” kilgoar said, hypothetically. “Maybe I can’t write, but now I can explore other areas within the company. Did you know we have a break room? With free water?”

Hatesec entered the break room to find kilgoar hard at work drinking free water.

“You’ve been drinking a lot of water!” he exclaimed. “Well, it’s better than soda. Please recycle your bottles. I’ve been finding them in the trash. Also I’m about to clean the restrooms, so if you need to go, you better go now.”

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Categories
Special Interest Technology

LEAKED: New Hate Radio chat filter would ban words like “silly,” “boring,” “union,” and “comedy”

Also: “Irony,” “Amazon,” “this is dumb,” “diversity,” “not funny,” “disingenuous,” and others.

HATE RADIO WILL BLOCK and flag chatroom posts on the twitch.tv platform that contain keywords pertaining to poor show quality, labor unions, and complaints about hatesec, heard over broadcast peeing in bottles, according to internal company documents reviewed by The Internet Chronicle.

An automatic word monitor would also block a variety of terms that could represent potential critiques of Amazon’s Internet Chronicle’s working conditions, like “slave labor,” “not funny,” “distortion,” and “restrooms” – presumably related to reports of Internet Chronicle staffers urinating in bottles to meet punishing deadlines.

“Our teams are always thinking about new ways to help listeners engage with each other,” said Hate Radio spokesperson Hatesec. “This particular program has not been approved yet and may change to promote racist edgelord behavior and new language for getting around chat filters.”

In November 2021, Hate Radio convened a high-level meeting in which top executives discussed plans for removing the chat altogether to create an entirely one-way experience akin to the earliest days of radio, that would allow listeners to sit with their hands folded, listening politely to the hateful, delusional ravings of kilgoar, hatesec, and their guest for the evening.

The major goal of the program, Hate Radio’s head of worldwide consumer business, Spank McCarter, said, was to reduce listener attrition by eliminating any fun there is to be had around the show, consolidating all enjoyment squarely between the fried synapses of co-hosts kilgoar and hatesec.

They scrapped that idea in favor of word filters so that negative chat users could still be flagged and identified, ready for doxing, public humiliation, or outright life ruination, considered a form of entertainment at Hate Radio.

But company officials also warned of what they called “the dark side of third party interfaces” and decided to actively monitor the twitch chat to ensure a “positive community.” At the meeting, McCarter suggested that the chatroom should resemble an online dating app like omegle, which allows individuals to engage one-on-one, rather than a more forum-like platform like reddit.

Following the meeting, an “auto bad word monitor” was devised, constituting a blacklist that would flag and automatically block chatters from sending a message that contains any inappropriate keywords.

In addition to profanities, which only the show hosts and moderators may use, the terms include many relevant to show quality, including “integrity,” “crummy,” “ethical,” “mean spirited,” “freedom,” “injustice,” and “fairness.” Even some phrases like “This is not a good show” will be banned.

Do you work for Hate Radio? Text tips to Dr. Ang R. Troubledoor via Signal at (917) 675-4836.

“With free text, we risk people writing in the chatroom negative sentiments among the listeners and newcomers,” a document summarizing the program states. “We want to lean towards being even more restrictive and punitive on the content that can be posted to promote a stifling, openly hostile energy toward our listeners, before they can do that to us.”

In addition to the automated system, moderators will have the authority to flag or suppress any chatroom activity that they find inappropriate, the documents show.

A pilot program is slated to launch later this month. In addition to slurs and swear words, the planned list includes the following words:

I hate
Union
Sue Basko
Terminated
Compensation
Pay Raise
Bullying
Harassment
I don’t care
Rude
This is concerning
Stupid
This is dumb
Doxing
Threat
Petition
Grievance
Injustice
Ang Troubledoor
Diversity
Ethics
Fairness

“If it does launch at some point down the road,” said the Hate Radio spokesperson, “there are no plans for many of the words you’re calling out to be screened. The only kinds of words that may be screened are ones that are offensive or harassing, such as “hatesec is irritating,” which is intended to protect the sensitive feelings of our pussy ass team.”

Hate Radio has experimented with social media programs in the past. In 2013, the company launched a pilot program in which employees were handpicked to form a Twitter army – selecting users with great senses of humor – advocating for the company. The workers, however, used the platform to encode hidden messages, plaintive cries for help.

On Monday, Hate Radio workers at a fulfillment center in Staten Island, New York, stunned the nation by becoming the first Hate Radio location to successfully unionize. This came as a shock to many because it was achieved by a group of permanently stoned ne’er-do-wells on a shoestring budget, stunted by internal theft and marijuana dependency.

With a budget of $120,000, the Hate Radio Labor Union managed to defeat the broadcast behemoth, which spent $28 million on anti-union consultants in 2021 alone.

Adding to the David-and-Goliath overtones, the Hate Radio Labor Union’s president, Professor Cram Course, a 59-year-old professor emeritus of women’s studies at Lebal Drocer University, had been fired by the company after leading a small walkout calling for better workplace protections for “him and his girls.”

Hate Radio executives denigrated Course, who is White, as “having a RateMyProfessor profile rife with 1-star reviews,” and “only in it for the pussy” during a meeting with CEO Raleigh T. Sakers, according to a leaked memo reported by The Internet Chronicle.

Safety issues have been a perennial concern for Hate Radio broadcasters. In December, a tornado killed six Hate Radio workers in a broadcast tower over Cuthbert, Georgia, a shithole. Many workers said they had received virtually no emergency training, having been instructed only to throw their own bodies over hatesec or kilgoar in the event of structural collapse, should they be on the premises. The House Oversight Committee recently launched an investigation into Hate Radio workplace safety policies.

In 2020, workers at a Hate Radio newsroom in Roanoke, Virginia tried to join the Broadcast and Internet Radio Show Union. The attempt became unusually high-profile, attracting the attention of President Joe Biden, who released a statement saying, “Every Hate Radio broadcaster should have free and fair protections not only from their listeners, but from the consequences of their actions in general.”

The Roanoke vote failed, but the National Labor Relations Board ordered a new election, citing undue interference by Hate Radio. The Roanoke newsroom held a second vote that was also counted last week, and while the initial tally favored Hate Radio, the vote was much closer than the previous one and will ultimately depend on the results of challenged ballots.

Hate Radio released a statement Monday saying that it is considering filing an objection to the Staten Island union vote, alleging interference by participating voters.

Update: April 4, 2022, 3:15 p.m. EST

The headline and article have been updated to emphasize that the chat room is still in the planning phase and has not yet been dismantled. It has also been updated to include comment from Hate Radio denying that “many” of the words obtained by The Internet Chronicle would be screened out.