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Planking meme turns deadly!

The early stages of radiation insanity taking hold.

In the months following the Fukushimi Daiichi disaster, a thick layer of invisible radiation began to affect the minds of the people of Australia. The so-called “internet meme” of planking is a Psy-Op misinformation campaign to neutralize evidence of irradiated minds of millions. It is also an extreme sport.

As people are drawn into the vicious cycle of photographing increasingly extreme planking, they begin to engage in suicidal behavior. The meaning behind a million views on the internet is, in many cases, greater than the planker’s mortality.

Do not attempt extreme planking without proper training.

Planking reveals the unconscious desire for an early death. With its first death in the news, planking will become a worldwide obsession as the radiation eats our brains. The most extreme sport of all time: assuming the position of a corpse in increasingly more dangerous places. Acton Beale, the first death of the sport, is a legend whose courageous planking will be remembered forever.

Meanwhile, the government of Australia has condemned planking. Following the suit of New Zealand, Australia plans to enact legislation that will force internet surveillance on all planking activity. It also allows the government of Australia to spy on anyone who posts a picture containing a body in a “mostly rigid” posture.

RIP, Acton Beale

Acton Beale’s final planking stunt was closed-casket, so as not to encourage more planking. However, his funeral was not devoid of planking. For the first time in history, a gravestone was planked.

Such extreme planking is dangerous not only to the planker, but the motorists beneath.

Since the death of Beale, Planking has reached dangerous new heights. Some plankers have taken to planking over interstates, and crocodile pits. Some have taken to planking on increasingly sharp surfaces in increasingly effective attempts at impaling themselves. Planking while drunk or on drugs provides a great rush, as well as planking on railroad tracks. Certainly, planking is the world’s fastest growing extreme sport. The limits of planking have not yet been imagined.

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The Verticle Fuzzy Peach Smile and The Wizard of the Internet

It was a dry day on the motherboard when Frosty, the malignant wizard of the west coast appeared with Magic: The Gathering cards of wisdom.

He opened his robe methodically revealing full frontal nudity to the Elves. He showed them there is no way other than his own, as he exposed his mechanical penis which unfurled into a tentacle hose and proceeded to fuck the nearest child-elf from where he stood.

Pneumatically, he pumped and surged his pulsating hentai-cock of hate into the elf as he realized its striking resemblance to himself. Actually, it was his daughter.

For Frosty hath fucked more than a handful of elves on a drunken night out, in the days of Elven Wax and cloven hooves which stamped upon the two-sided face of liberty under a downpour of alcohol, bile and piss. Yes, beneath many moons, he did rape religiously.

Tossing his daughter to the ground, Frosty was no longer thirsty for sexual assault.

He then proceeded to peddle worthless Magic cards to the bustling Elf community, among whom he is still revered to this day for his propensity to give away too many free cards, even in spite of his bottomless hunger for rape, which seemed to never end.

“Fwosty,” a small boy tugged at his robe. “Fwosty, won’t you sing fow us?”

Frosty was a magical singer but today he was in no mood. He handed him a Black Lotus without telling him it was fake. The boy was ecstatic and immediately went home to finger his sister in celebratory ecstasy.

Just at that moment, Frosty began to feel disgust with his life of trading card games and unabashed rape. His cock formed into a pistol and reeled out of his tan Big Lebowski robe to jam itself instinctively into his mouth. Being unlike any normal gun, Frosty the Wizard performed autofellatio in the town square for at least 45 minutes, before townsmen arrived, with the jesters and even the Elf King and Queen who all received news of a powerful wizard giving himself a blowjob, sucking what appeared to be a .45 calibur handgun.

He ejaculated a three-round burst of gunfire into his own brainstem and was promptly cleaned up by Waste Management, who exist on the Internet, too.

And the peasants rejoiced.

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Tennessee Man: "I once punctuated a whole sentence"

Jacob Tamme is a TIGHT PUSSY
Harold Buckhauer, punctuated a sentence one time

Nashville, Tenn.–An area Titans fan made headlines Sunday when he held up a sign reading “Jacob Tamme is a tight pussy” at a home game against the Indianapolis Colts in LP Field.

Jacob Tamme plays tight end for the Indianapolis Colts, and rejects all assertions that he is a human vagina “of any elasticity or resistance.”

Harold Buckhauer, 30, held the sign up high for at least three hours, chanting the slogan. He was beloved by his neighboring spectators, and even hailed as a hero by one man who said he believes Buckhauer’s message “needed to be said.” The man reportedly purchased Buckhauer three beers to provoke more outlandish drunken behavior, such as singing with one foot up on the back of the chair in front of him, a claim he denies.

Language scholars have jumped on the sensation to condemn the Tennessee Titans enthusiast for his gross lack of punctuation that leaders claim “contradicts” the presentation of the man’s clever idea in the context of his drunkenly-constructed sign.

Buckhauer, a plumber of 10 years’ experience, defended himself, saying, “I once punctuated a whole sentence,” but intimated his distrust of “funny” characters on a page, saying he doesn’t know why it exists anyway.

[pullquote]”Harold-Hymen ain’t never used no hyphen.”[/pullquote]

When questioned about a rare, documented instance where Buckhauer attempted punctuation, he failed to recall whether it was a period or an exclamation mark he used, because memory of his mistake was immediately overshadowed by the “distinct” memory of his friends using a rhyming female anatomical word to describe him as “Harold-Hymen, who ain’t never used no hyphen.”

A string of Google searches reveals the “punctuation” to which Buckhauer referred was used on a wrestling forum, and was not punctuation at all, but capitalization. In 2009, Buckhauer wrote, “batista is purdy good but he aint gt shit on the Edge”

Cecil Dillard, pastor of Midrow Baptist Church defended Harold Buckhauer’s lifestyle, devoid of punctuation, saying, “Harry’s a trustworthy, God-fearing American who don’t need no punctuation because it ain’t holy. Punctuation is misleading, saying things that letters don’t. Now do you want your kids to read punctuation, or do you want ’em reading the truth?” he asked, tapping the Bible.

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, and:

“Now do you want your kids to read punctuation, or do you want ’em reading the truth?”

-Cecil Dillard, Pastor