Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — After WikiLeaks quietly cancelled Julian Assange’s Ask Me Anything segment on Reddit, WikiLeaks backup spokesperson Sarah Harrison came forward with startling new hacks showing the inside of the Trump campaign. Harrison said nothing to dispel rumors that Assange has been murdered, but fans have begun mourning after hearing the shocking revelations.

The Trump campaign plans to annihilate over 99% of the world’s population on inauguration day. Billions around the world are sick with “the flu” as their bodies have absorbed the proper dose of non-fatal precursor chemicals spread through decades of worldwide chemtrailing. The final catalyst will be sprayed on inauguration day, turning the entire earth into a holocaust death chamber. Only a specially selected group of elites who have taken decades of antidotes will survive. These elites were selected equally from all races in order to ensure a healthy breeding population and avoid genetic sicknesses inherent in such a dramatic population bottleneck. The purpose of the population control chemtrail program is to avert unavoidable famines and cataclysmic nuclear wars that will come even with the most dramatic green energy initiatives and likely leave no survivors.

Analysts have pointed out the bitter irony that Trump publicly stands against racial diversity and green energy, keys to human survival, and that his victory in the presidential election justifies the policy of mass murder for the elites. Sarah Harrison told reporters, “From the point of view of the elites, you asked for this. You voted for this. We published, and now we’re damned.”

INTERNET — Banned Twitter bad boy & right wing homosexual Milo Yiannopoolis held a press conference to announce a reality TV show that will follow his tragic struggle with homosexuality in a grueling gay conversion camp. “I can’t promise that it’ll work, but I hope it does. I want to be cured before I fall victim to disease,” Yiannapoilis said, “But that’s not right. I — I keep forgetting. It’s a choice I’m making. Being gay is wrong.”

Weeping openly as he embraced Pastor Tom Stanley of the Nemelkist Church of Advanced God, Yiannapoulos said, “All this time I’ve been afraid of ISIS taking my freedom and faggotr– I can’t even…appreciate…” Trailing off for several seconds inaudibly, the internet star stared into his phone. Cutting off the pastor’s feeble attempt to break the silence, Milo announced, “To let everyone know I mean it, I’m ebaying my collection of buttplugs!” Photographers wildly jockeyed to get shots as he held up his phone to show that it wasn’t just a prank.

Representatives from Nemelka’s Gay Conversion Ranch were contacted by famed editor emeritus Ol’ Brutus, but they would not comment despite getting the business for over three hours straight. The Nemelkist web site advertises its conversion therapy in infinitely reaching superlatives, “The Nemelkist gay conversion camp uses the most Advanced methods available to science, philosophy, and religion ever devised in the entire history of the universe and through use of an app given to us by advanced human beings, living in the future, we can request incredible, instantaneous brain surgeries which will perfectly heal one’s entire personality upon demand. Nobody leaves without a certificate of Advanced Brain Surgery handed to him or her by the prophet Nemelka himself!”