INTERNET — Edward Snowden, famed NSA leaker, fled Russia Monday before dumping a database of power point presentations outlining Russia’s plans to invade Eastern Europe and rebuild the USSR under the new “Eurasian Union.”
Speaking from a hotel room in Tehran, Snowden denounced Putin’s imperial ambitions, saying, “I can no longer stay in Russia with knowledge of the impending invasion of Eastern Europe. If I had spoken my mind on this matter without a safe harbor in Iran, I’d have surely been disappeared or poisoned with polonium like other Russian dissidents.”
Snowden was joined in Tehran by members of Pussy Riot, and Nadya Tolokno also spoke to reporters, saying, “Here in Tehran we can openly wear our masks in public without fear of persecution. We can speak against Putin and the Orthodox church freely and without fear of punishment, so we have joined Snowden in exile.”
Critics of Pussy Riot and Snowden contest that sheltering under Tehran’s oppressive theocracy does their cause little good, while most supporters disagree. Pussy Riot and Snowden fan Jeremy Brown told reporters, “It’s all about keeping the fight going. I wouldn’t care if they were sheltered by Satan himself, as long as they didn’t wind up in some gulag that silenced them. So what if some Iranians practice genital mutilations or brutally silence their dissidents? Do you expect Nadya or Snowden to martyr themselves? That’s so last century.”
INTERNET — Glenn Greenwild, investigative dispatcher working under the banner of powerful billionaire Pierre Omidyar’s Snowden News Network (SNN), attacked Reddit moderators Friday for intense and directed shilling in concert with British GCHQ JTRIG psychological operations.
According to Greenwild, Reddit’s r/news forum’s repeated and determined removal of his dispatch is a sure sign of ubiquitous JTRIG infiltrators. Moderators at r/news explained that they have a policy against opinion pieces which merely reflects their category and not their bias, although they have made exceptions for Greenwild’s dispatches in the past due to the importance of Snowden related news, which is often exclusively released in the form of Greenwild’s opinion.
Millions of internet bullies, drunk on Greenwild’s rhetoric, descended on the moderators of r/news with predatory personal attacks. Stunned and terrified, one moderator who wished to remain Anonymous said, “I didn’t know the distinction between opinion and journalism could cause such controversy. We do have subreddits where Greenwild’s opinion is welcome, but I didn’t think it fit in our category until my life and ethical integrity felt threatened. Exposing these psychological operations on the part of the British government is far more important than our stickler policy against opinion pieces. There’s opinion in everything, as Greenwild says, so therefore everything is merely opinion. There is no such thing as journalism. I’d like everyone to know I’ve never worked for JTRIG and I support Snowden with all my heart. Please, I’m on your side. I never asked for this abuse.”
Enemies of freedom, however, have stepped forward to accuse Pierre Omidyar of contributing hundreds of thousands of dollars to Ukrainian dissent groups, buttressing the West’s most important front in the “new cold war.” Some say that this policy conflicts with the aims of the Snowden News Network and Greenwild’s rhetoric, but of course we all know this stinks of yet more JTRIG psychological operations.
INTERNET — Justin Bieber was hospitalized Thursday after taking what his friends described as an “astounding dose of wax,” the ultimate purified form of marijuana. Bieber was declared brain dead on arrival and Dr. Troubador of Los Santos Hospital told reporters, “There is almost no chance Bieber will come out of the coma, but we’re still hopeful. We are asking fans not to assemble outside of the hospital as this may impede emergency vehicles.”
Photos of Bieber’s out of control marijuana habits were published earlier this year on famed celebrity news site TMZ. Police seized Bieber’s Escalade Wednesday, finding a massive stash of the potent wax.
Dr. Troubador told the press, “For a long time people have considered cannabis a ‘gateway drug’, dangerous only for its ability to make young people crave a harder buzz, like that of heroin or crack. But we’re going to have to reassess this point of view now that wax manufacturers are stepping up production of this very dangerous and even potentially fatal drug. Every day we have hundreds of wax addicts wheeled into the emergency room, totally brain dead. Marijuana is not a gateway drug anymore. Wax is the most dangerous drug on the streets. Bieber is just another young life stolen by the insidious weed byproduct.”