Internet Trolling Now Illegal in Syria

syria
Syrian man atop his high-rise condo celebrates the passing of anti-Internet Trolling law.

DAMASCUS, Syria — Amongst hellfire and brimstone in the ancient city of Damascus, the Syrian government has passed a law making Internet Trolling, Cyber Bullying, or “aggressive” satire illegal. The controversial law was brought to international attention when a Syrian teenage girl committed suicide after being trolled on youtube for outing the CIA as potential instigators/manipulators of the struggles Syria is currently facing.

After a hard fought battle between liberal free speech advocates and the Syrian Child Protection League, the law was passed with a punishment of being administered near lethal doses of Terrormax, a Lebal Drocer, Inc. pharmaceutical that allows people to see terror coming beyond the horizon, giving Internet Trolls an awareness of their actions and also “burger-foot.”

After the US Military’s Project Paperclip, which recruited Nazi scientists to conduct experiments on humans during the Cold War, Terrormax was created as a mind-control serum and also a derivative of peyote, says Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. Free speech advocates and Internet trolls worldwide believe the law to be a CIA psy-op of sorts, whose endgame was the introduction of Terrormax into the Syrian populace, which would essentially make it a free and democratic society akin to the United States of America.

What little is known about the long-term effects of Terrormax is irrelevant right now as this landmark victory for the sanctity of Internet decency has united the country and all that bullshit going on over there has ceased in celebration of fewer Internet tears.

Chronicle.su Reader Detained For Association With Website

CHRONICLE.SU RUN BY UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT
chronicle.su is a government operation.

INTERNET – Comedy fans were mortified Wednesday after learning their beloved, subversive satire news site is in fact a government operation dedicated to uncovering dissenters and information terrorists.

Documents reveal sites such as anonnews.org, #AnonOps, and chronicle.su were established as part of a plot to lure and entrap would-be radical thinkers, in a government campaign sometimes referred to as a “honey pot.”

Additionally, The Internet Chronicle is tasked with disseminating false information about chemtrail science and the Illuminati to discredit legitimate movements.

Immediately following the leak, federal agencies moved fast to stage late-night raids throughout Monday and Tuesday, targeting direct subscribers to the site.

At least one Anonymous user was detained indefinitely after posting a question at the bottom of an Internet Chronicle article asking, “Serious question – are you guys looking for writers?

American Civil Liberties Union Attorney Jim Buckerman said his Anonymous client is being unfairly accused of subversive thinking. Buckerman said his client “is not a thinker – subversive or otherwise.”

“My client is a good man. He has a family. He goes to work and he comes home. He has a beer. He watches MSNBC, and he goes to bed, dreaming of unchallenged American hegemony,” Buckerman said. “My client would not be caught dead reading The Internet Chronicle – a publication created by socialists, dope dealers – and worse.”

Buckerman said agents held his client down and asked him if he thought chronicle.su was “funny.”

“My client said in a statement that two men in suits pushed their knees into his back, holding him down on the ground. ‘Do you think Miley Cyrus is a f—— joke?’ They asked him, ‘Do you think the law doesn’t apply to you, because you’re on the Internet? Do you think chronicle.su is funny?’ to which my client responded, ‘No, no,’ and emphatically, ‘no.'”

Anyone found retweeting chronicle.su links, or suggesting The Internet Chronicle to friends may ultimately serve government interests, but that did not prevent readers from finding themselves on an “internet watch list” – which often leads to intrusive NSA backdoors, having personal emails read by secret agents, and being made fun of around the FBI office for obsessively googling “is this rash normal?”

The government released a statement Wednesday morning saying they do not comment on cybersecurity measures.

The Internet Chronicle is not the first case where the government has attempted to unearth dissent. World-renowned satirist and writer for The Onion Barrett Brown was arrested for linking people to his work with Project Persona Management, paralleling the works of Sabu, Abbie Hoffman and Jamie Jo Corne.

Security analysts project The Internet Chronicle will likely shut down or be repurposed to suit the cybersecurity needs of smaller, less digitized nations.

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