INTERNET — Justin Bieber was hospitalized Thursday after taking what his friends described as an “astounding dose of wax,” the ultimate purified form of marijuana. Bieber was declared brain dead on arrival and Dr. Troubador of Los Santos Hospital told reporters, “There is almost no chance Bieber will come out of the coma, but we’re still hopeful. We are asking fans not to assemble outside of the hospital as this may impede emergency vehicles.”
Photos of Bieber’s out of control marijuana habits were published earlier this year on famed celebrity news site TMZ. Police seized Bieber’s Escalade Wednesday, finding a massive stash of the potent wax.
Dr. Troubador told the press, “For a long time people have considered cannabis a ‘gateway drug’, dangerous only for its ability to make young people crave a harder buzz, like that of heroin or crack. But we’re going to have to reassess this point of view now that wax manufacturers are stepping up production of this very dangerous and even potentially fatal drug. Every day we have hundreds of wax addicts wheeled into the emergency room, totally brain dead. Marijuana is not a gateway drug anymore. Wax is the most dangerous drug on the streets. Bieber is just another young life stolen by the insidious weed byproduct.”
INTERNET — A controversial new study which incorporated all the data of the internet over the course of the last decade, graciously provided by the NSA, has led Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador to make a startling conclusion. According to Troubador, no new culture has been created in two years, and any art which appears ‘new’ was created before what he calls the “cultural peak” two years ago.
Dr. Troubador told reporters, “Starting with just the corpus of text out there, we quickly found that two years ago there was a ‘tipping point’ where every possible song, poem, or novel had already been written. Then we looked at music, and saw that all the melodies had been mapped out at that same time. We looked at videos and images and found the same thing again. Even all the possible intergenre mashups and recombinations were exhausted. We even found our own study, written word for word by spam bots.”
However, Dr. Cecilia Darwin criticized Dr. Troubador’s methods, saying, “This collection of data only confirms what we already suspected, and the premise of Angstrom’s analysis is faulty. Sure, there is a multitude of information so vast that every imaginable combination of symbols has already been set down somewhere on the internet, by spam bots as much as by humans, but to presume that this has somehow exhausted ‘novelty’ is only true in the narrowest sense. The symbols have to be interpreted or inscribed with meaning, and this is an ongoing and never ending genesis.”
DUBAI — The Christian fundamentalist extremist terror organization “God’s Foundation,” led by Jamie Jo Horne, crashed seven hijacked spaceplanes into the Burj Dubai, the world’s second largest skyscraper. Officials say “Hundreds of thousands” were evacuated only to be crushed by falling debris.
Erech Al-Ansur, mayor of Dubai, told reporters at an emergency press conference, “Twelve other buildings seem to have disappeared underneath the mountainous pile of twisted metal and concrete which is approximately the size of twenty Pyramids of Giza and covers three square miles. Rescue efforts will continue for the foreseeable future. Today is perhaps the worst disaster in human history in terms of brute terror and also in terms of numbers killed. Over a million may have died today.”
The high-speed intercontinental passenger spaceplanes hijacked by God’s Foundation were filled with liquid oxygen which may have flash frozen structural beams before combining with other fuels and igniting. According to expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “These fuels burn at temperatures which approach a supernova-like cosmic event.”
Videos of poor and downtrodden Americans in the streets waving tattered American flags in celebration were played on news stations across the Arab world, prompting the Islamic Federated Union’s Ayatollah Khamman the Great to announce, “We will smoke Jamie Jo Horne out of her Appalachian cave systems and rain hell on her organization. Christian Fundamentalist Terror is a threat to the stability of the world, and peaceful nations of the world stand behind us in the ongoing war on Christian terror.”