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Silence your opponent with a life-stopping kick to the heart

A TALE OF INTRIGUE THAT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE

An Historically Accurate Picture of Life on the American Frontier

The year is 1850. The nation is young, as Lady Liberty battles the Indian menace, and Americans tame the land.

The Internet Chronicle is awake to the struggle, therefore this history is not written by the so-called victors.

While defending from foreign invaders, Comanche leader Shot Hutcheson and his team of savages had been tracking a ragtag group of explorers, led by snake oil salesman Angstrom H. Troubadour, Sr.

Do not let his job title fool you. Selling snake oil was – at that time – an honorable, and lucrative profession.

“We were mastering a form of tantric masturbation that is so good, the body would never need or want to jerk off again,” Troubadour said. “That’s just how good it was.”

The legend goes that Hutcheson wanted that formula not only for himself, but for his nation, too. The white man’s swagger, he noted, was undeniable.

“I thought to myself, let’s see if they still have that swagger without their horses,” Hutcheson said, “in the desert heat, with no food to eat, no water to drink. With nothing else but their precious, essential oils.”

Unfortunately, Troubadour and his team of honkies would lose their horses early on, after Comanche scouts crept into their encampments, cut the reigns, and scared the beasts of burden away with war-like yipping and howling, as well as by firing the rifles they’d wrenched away from the dead hands of European frontiersman. Many killed themselves with those very guns, because they knew that to die by their own hands was better than being captured alive by Comanche scouts.

Hutcheson and his unit tracked the marooned team of imperialist merchants, mercenaries and explorers from the hills.

“We followed them for nearly 200 miles until the first of the frontiersmen collapsed in the desert. Soon, more followed,” Hutcheson said. “We had them fucked up good.”

For several more weeks that remained true, until the night of the final attack.

Beauregarde Troubadour Senior, ancient war technique: “Silence your opponent with a life-stopping kick to the heart!”

Dr. Beauregard “Angstrom” H. Troubadour, Esq. first became enamored with the idea of stopping the heart by kicking someone in the chest, after learning the location of the human heart in Apothecary School. “That’s where it is?” he asked. “I bet one swift kick in the spurs would take care of that.”

Troubadour narrowly escaped defeat as he began to administer controlled, medical kicks to the heart.

“I was battling my Indian opponents when I realized I could jeopardize their savage enterprise to paralyze and end my life if only I localized one life-stopping kick to the heart,” Troubadour said. “I just started kicking.”

“I just started kicking.” During a single incident Troubadour kicked more than 75 people to death. Engraving by the late Louise Troubadour.

Over the ensuing battle, while sick and dehydrated, overheating, and failing from exhaustion, historians estimate that Troubadour kicked to death more than 75 enemy combatants.

Many, found with sternums caved in, appeared to have died from a single blow to the heart.

Military historians have brought word of the technique to the attention of high-ranking generals in the American armed forces.

General Gh. Kennedy of the US Army said modern strategy is built on the wars of the past.

“Science is bullshit hocus pocus anyway, so we’re looking to history to inform and enhance the global atrocities we want to commit today,” he said. “A single kick to the heart, huh? Just think of what those fucked up, kicking dogs from Boston Dynamics could do with that data. We in the Army–and I know folks in the State Department–are enthusiastic about this new mode of killing.”

Detractors have expressed concerns that women and minorities have fallen pray to the Troubadour lineage, arguing that the family should not be lionized. One academic said Troubadour, Sr. should have been hanged for his role in multiple American genocides.

Crane Course, 59, is Professor Emeritus of Women’s Studies at Lebal Drocer University. He gives lectures that place him squarely at the focus of the material, making everything about himself, and his office hours extend well into the night. Course says the manner in which Troubadour, Sr. treated the Native population was “barbaric beyond words,” and he added that they also did not treat their women very well.

“I would have been much nicer to everyone,” Course said. “Especially the women. I am often reminded of the John Lennon quote. What women are, to the world. Me? I do not see women like that. I would have been good to them.”

Course said his appearance in this story, much like his overall existence, feels a little pinned on at the end, but he said he is grateful for the work, and loves any exposure.

“Women need to understand I’m more than a tail,” he said. “I’m the whole donkey.”

Editor’s Note: Dr. Troubadour does not accept HMO, medicare, medicaid or Humana insurance. He is a cruel, calculating businessman who only cares about YOUR health.

“I disavow everything my great grandfather did.”

— Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

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Hurricane Ian washes Mar-A-Lago into the sea

INTERNET — As storm waters subsided, Thursday, Donald Trump returned to the now ruined and flooded Mar-A-Lago golf resort.

“Look what Hurricane Biden did to the great, great game of golf,” Trump said as he stood over a ruined sand trap, now full of ocean water. “Nancy Pelosi, in the Capitol building, she must so so happy right now.”

“If I were in the oval office this would have never happened, not in a million years,” the former president pointed at the ruined foundations of his former luxury facilities and shifted from his smug demeanor into a more hateful and accusatory tone, “I’ve seen the leaks from Hunter Biden’s laptop, and this hurricane is a bad, bad deal, extremely embarrassing for our country.”

President Trump raised a single finger to the sky, signing his allegiance to QAnon, “Where We Go One, We Go All [WWG1WGA],” and said to the sea, “The Storm is Coming, and it’s going to be a big one, real one. The people are tired of this bad, bad government and the gestapo style FBI that has been entrapping me, and so many other good people on both sides. There’s very, very good people on both sides.”

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Star wars characters speak out against abuse

INTERNET — Millions tuned in as canonical Star Wars characters including Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Rey Skywalker gathered together for an unusual collab over Zoom, speaking out against years of abuse.

“From a certain point of view, Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan would never lie about Vader. You want me to believe Little Ani never sensed that his own son’s force energies were in the trench of the Death Star while he was trying to shoot me down? It was bullshit. Why didn’t they add some sensing of each other into the special edition for some consistency, take out all the lies and distortions from Obi-Wan’s ghost.” Luke Skywalker pissed off the cliffs of his sequel hermit island and drank disgusting milks inside of his Jedi hovel, posting restlessly on social media from behind an account that is yet to be identified.

“I’m a cold blooded killer and criminal smuggler turned into a rebel, and I wouldn’t become a fed like Leia. That’s why we split up. That where I was meant to start, truly absorbed by a life of crime. Murdering Greedo as a matter of business. It was my transition to caring, and indeed loving, which made the romance click. I always shoot first, and Greedo never said Maclunky. How is anyone going to believe I shot second when I’m comically floating around like that, to dodge a laser? Never happened.” Han Solo said these last words as he was struck down by his evil son, who would then go on to die after saving Palpatine’s granddaughter from Palpatine zombie’s evil life-absorbing attack.

“I was nobody rather than a cliche chosen one like Luke. It was the one redeeming thing about my story, that I was simply any person living a life with adventure thrust upon me. You know it, I know it. I was never meant to be Palpatine’s granddaughter. That crap just makes my character far less special.” Rey returned to the desert after absorbing some more ridiculous force powers from her grandfather and her boyfrenemy. After some hard times and the death of BB-8, Rey sold her yellow lightsaber for 12 packets of nutrient paste.

Disney’s new trial of experimental “chaos theater” features short stories told over interactive Zoom meetings by AI-recreations of beloved Star Wars characters. The cutting-edge interactive AI storyteller is a green technology, designed to replace hundreds of disposable Baby Yoda creatures that must be grown individually for each shot in the Mandalorian series.