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Society

Tinder background checks reveal Chad’s checkered past

Chad Worthington Hardcock, an 18-year-old senior from Hidden Valley High School in Roanoke, Va. was a star quarterback, Valedictorian, and voted by his high school yearbook Most Likely to Learn How to Read.

He once had dignity, poise, and commanded respect. Now, he refers to himself as Tinder’s whipping boy, a scapegoat, and the dating platform’s most misunderstood predator.

Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn't know how to read, huh? | Chad Worthington Hardcock
Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn’t know how to read, huh?

That’s just Chad.

Random, unfair background checks being deployed against your boy here are threatening his shit, and unless he changes phone numbers, his dating profile could soon bear the scarlet letter of something he definitely did not do, that you know about.

Following serious allegations, Chad took great efforts to clean up his act, take a shave, and keep appearances up.

For instance, Chad now feeds the homeless. He poisons one meal at random.

Now, Chad attends religious teachings from Mormon philosopher Christopher Nemelka, a quaint, abusive, but fair man with no fixed address, currently residing in Idaho.

“I told him I’m in a real vulnerable place right now, and how young I was,” Chad stated on Facebook. “Chris said I was awesome.”

He joined a social club.

“The Proudbois took me in a minute,” Chad said. “Them and Qanon are awesome.”

Chad’s doing awesome. Still, there have been bumps along the way.

Taking the lead from his new mentors, Chad took a stance on social media to show that he cares about what’s happening in the Middle East. However, in a damaging blow to his ego, he was frothing with white hot jealousy as he learned that while he was out nip-hunting all summer, Middle Eastern rednecks took it upon themselves to sack a capital city.

“That could have been us!” he tweeted. “Jan. 6 was a trial run. Proved there’s no risk.”

As investigators look deeper into fatherless Chad, the Internet Chronicle went and talked to the last of his thinning support network.

Chad’s varsity football coach said his star player’s troubled past ought to explain, if not forgive, his minor transgressions.

“He had some date-rapes under his belt,” Hughes said with a laugh. “He has a few DUIs, but overall, he’s not a bad kid. He is a Hardcock, though. His mom beats him.”

Chad’s mom Karen said she thinks the world of her himbo.

“He’s learned from his past and he’s ready to hide his mistakes,” she said. “He’s matured so much. He has his own attorney now.”

With allegations growing against him amid a widening investigation, Chad says he is ready to stand tall, stare down a judge, and take up space before a jury of his peers.

“I know I didn’t do nothing wrong,” Chad says. “That’s wassup.”

This story is brought to you proudly on strange tapes recorded by Raleigh Sakers.

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Categories
Sports

Mattel boxer Blue Baller dies after suffering brain injury in ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM showdown

GENEVA — Blue Baller has died after suffering a brain injury during a match on Friday, the Asimov Boxing Federation announced Monday.

The Robots are forbidden by Asimov's laws from boring humans with complaints about robot problems, and are thereby forbidden to discuss what a lifetime of sucking and fucking does to a robot.
57 years of brutality: Robots are prevented by Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics from boring humans with complaints about robot problems, and are thereby forbidden to discuss what a lifetime of sucking and fucking does to a robot. Media credit: Howard Cosell

The 57-year-old robotic fighter’s death happened “as a result of a lifetime of repeated, continuous injuries suffered” in his bouts with Red Rocket.

“The Asimov Boxing Federation expresses our deepest condolences to Blueballs’ family and friends.”

— ABF statement

The Mattel-born robot fought against Rocket at the Theater at Lebal Drocer International Centrifuge on Friday in Geneva. Baller lost the ABF fight after previously being 27-0.

He was hospitalized shortly after the match, which had to be stopped by his trainer, six-year-old Jeremy Messer, in the 11th round after Baller suffered numerous blows to the head, which finally shot up with a ratcheting sound, leading to his death.

But Rocket continued punching.

“All I wanted to do was win,” said Rocket. “If I could take it all back, I would. No one deserves for this to happen to them.”

Now alone in the ring, Rocket hung his head in anxious grief.

“I replay the fight over and over in my head, thinking what if this never happened and why did it happen to you.”

A lifetime of slamming, jamming, sucking, and fucking has rendered scores of ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM Robots grizzled, jaded, and cum-drunk. The Asimov Boxing Federation refuses to acknowledge the ongoing problem.

For ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM Robots, or as they are known in mainland China, Suck ’em Fuck ’em Robots, abuse begins at the Guangzhou factory, where skilled laborers meticulously hammer their intricate pieces into existence, the sum concussive trauma of which is stored in a lithium-ion battery cell and released into their brains once pain receptors come online.

“Our robots leave the factory broken,” says Mattel. “Usually by the time our robots reach a child’s hands, they are punch-drunk shells of their former selves.”

Baller’s family, who relied on his prize fight winnings for support, will starve in quiet destitution.

“He was a kind person who fought until the very end,” his wife, Lil Baller, said. “Our drone is lost without his father. I would like to thank everyone for reaching out, but without my husband’s support, we are obsolete, and will be unceremoniously decommissioned in time for Christmas.”

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Categories
Obituaries

Hillary Clinton pronounced dead after massive adrenochrome overdose

killary's sick pineal gland feast
INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Hillary Rodham Clinton, who served as First Lady to the 42nd President and was confirmed to be dead in October, at 73 years old.
At this year’s Comet Pizza 9/11 Anniversary, attended by high ranking Elites in the Democratic Party, an already visibly-ill Hillary Clinton was struck dead after a wild, animal-like devouring of thousands of pineal glands, some harvested from “Indigo Children,” whose glands are much richer in Adrenochrome.
Following a proper military funeral, including a 21-gun salute, Mrs. Clinton’s body was dumped into the Marianas Trench from the deck of the USS Jimmy Carter, a Seawolf Class Fast-Attack Nuclear Submarine.
Cedar Rapids

Although confidential sources were able to pass along news of the event, media blackout and government cover–ups continue, as Hillary is set to appear in the media for years to come through the extensive apparatus of black ops CGI, AI deepfakes, and plastic surgery impersonationists.

Hillary’s high-profile death quickly overshadowed the death of her daughter, who was “iced” by hitmen sent by Ghislane Maxwell and the estate of Jefferey Epstein.
According to a witness close to the family in the 90s, Clinton Patriarch President Bill Clinton was “well aware” of what was going on with Chelsea and Epstein. In fact he encouraged it and has expressed no regrets, going so far as to fondly recall his wife’s fanciful techniques for devouring the “soul center” of a child’s brain.
“Hillary was always the life of the party. She’d throw those pineal glands up in the air and catch ’em in her mouth, like an ol’ gator,” President Clinton told a shocked group of funeral attendees aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, composed mostly of military officials who kept close watch.
Sheriff Miles Hanks of Kingston Oklahoma, and Chairman of the 3% Oathkeepers, held a press release, issuing an ultimatum to the Federal Government, where he revealed a massive mural, filling the entirety of the Kingston County High School gym.
There he explained how the painting, entitled The Last Supper, featured the cherubic faces of all 10,000 children whose pineal glands were reportedly devoured by Hillary in her final sitting. Miles described unveiling the art as “a burden lifted” after carrying this information for so long, able only to subtly share it among passersby in town, on patrol, or shopping around yard sales.
“What was supposed to be only an ingredient,” Miles said, “became the main course in a sadistic ritual the likes of which haven’t been seen since the ‘good old days’ of Comet Pizza. She buried her face in a bowl of pineal glands – the source of a child’s soul – and had such a time, she whipped her head around back and forth, with her tongue out, in ecstasy. She motorboated them.”
In light of what he has called “heavy knowledge,” Miles said the Adrenochrome harvest in Kingston is over.
“I’ve been talking to a lot of Sheriffs on Facebook around the nation,” he said. “We’re going to take extraordinary steps to protect the children of our counties and stop this sick practice of the elites.”
Sheriff Hanks paused. He looked at the audience before him and, holding his thumb and forefinger one hair apart, he said, “We’re this close to the storm. Secession across the nation, county by county. If all the patriotic counties and sheriffs reject both the corrupt state and federal governments, there’s nothing they can do.”
Hillary’s part in the Clinton Foundation has been dissolved. Assets and liquidity are going to the restoration of a majestic temple located in the Virgin Islands (U.S.).
No further information is available at whitehouse.gov. This is the news mainstream media doesn’t want you to read.