Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador gave a lecture at the Kootenai Casino, telling visitors Elon Musk was jumping into a rat trap with his plans for Mars. “The electric car is a great idea, but Mars? Mars is a shit hole. No one wants to go to a barren desert because there’s a little moist salt to lick up. It’s too big to terraform, and it’s just another costly gravity well that will impede logistics. It’s just like another desert on earth. What’s the point? There’s nothing on Mars that can’t be taken from Earth. There is only a scientific interest in travel to Mars, at least during our lifetime. Now, I say go for it. But that’s not a business thing, it’s no good for Elon Musk. That’s for NASA.”
“But we have other plans, big plans. Big Boy Space Plans. That’s why we’re calling our business Checkmate, Universe Inc. Tomorrow we will launch our first Vaporator and begin the process of settling space. Computer controlled digging robots, only an inch in diameter, will bore into a suitably shielded asteroid leaving behind a shapely network of structural weaknesses. A nuclear reactor installed on the surface lander will vaporize asteroid elements into specially designed pressure chambers deep within the asteroid. With portions of the tunnel now blown out, the Vaporator will fill the palatial interior chambers of the asteroid with an earth-like mixture of air just before the first settlers arrive with their Noah’s Ark of plant and animal life. Then, over the next decade, as the asteroid begins to slowly rotate under the Vaporator’s endless, well-aimed stream of gas, our settlers will feel the artificial gravity set in. And ironically, it will all be thanks to Elon Musk’s rocket we bought. Stealing the prize right out from under his nose.”
“This asteroid has been selected for its heavy metal content, and great care has been taken to seal and clean the living environment. It’s safe inside a lead ore deposit, and quite close to the great mass of uranium that some say could sustain the asteroid for a billion years. Like a cynical Asimov Foundation, this massive claim of Uranium will, in the not too distant future, hand asteroid people the solar system. They will supply Earth and Mars both with processed nuclear fuel at such a margin that production on earth will become limited to the costly manufacture of weapons. As a de facto nuclear superpower lacking a significant gravity well, the military advantages of the asteroid dwellers will be extreme.”
“In many ways, life among the asteroids will be far superior. An enclosed, controlled environment with a careful balance to life lacking many of the disasters that earth-dwellers take as a given. No earthquakes, volcanoes, hailstorms, or infectious plagues. Asteroid dwellers and earthlings will diverge as a culture, and finally as a species. So, to invest now in Checkmate, Universe and gain a seat on a ship to the future kingdom of heaven please send all the bitcoins you have to 18zJouAQAMzX5sJygZ4M2QV7yb8FzxSbdq.”
"I'm really, really sick. Probably sicker than Rush."
“I’m really, really sick. Probably sicker than Rush.”
INTERNET — Just days after conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh announced his advanced lung cancer, fellow conservative pundit Sean Hannity announced he also has been suffering from a cancerous growth in his brain.
President Trump reportedly said, off-mic, “Sure, just line them all up, maybe have a parade. I got cancer medals for everyone now. Anyone else in here sick?”
Ann Coulter also jumped in with her own cancer announcement, telling listeners that she recently had surgery to remove a breast tumor. However, she has often disagreed with the president, slamming his plans for emergency funding of a border wall.
As usual, advisors tried to reign in Trump’s bizarre plans for a “cancer awards” parade. In one of the typical leaks to the press, an advisor said, “Not only is it a horrible break with tradition, but we believe it will make conservatives look sick and old.”
Trump has yet to back down from his cancer award parade idea, “Can we have tanks? I want tanks and missiles if you can get them.”
Angstrom H. Troubador's new self-help health book for "bros," Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!
A new product by Lebal Drocer, Inc. threatens to tear the world asunder!
The all-new Diet for the Modern Man, updated for 2020 by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour threatens to shred the fabric of society as fresh, handsome young men in their early 20s graduate from the Dr. Troubadour School of Nutrition and Sports Medicine.
Gary, Indiana: City Hall has not yet acknowledged the TerrorMax water crisis.
A key element in their dietary plan is a spray-on TerrorMax from a bottle with few labels or indicators as to its makeup and origin. It simply reads: TerrorMax — Spray directly onto the activity centers of your body. Wait 30 minutes between applications.
The controversial product is shown to cause nerve damage and paranoid hallucinations of grandeur.
You can be an inhuman monster just like this man — Read Healthy As Fuck! by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, and dehydrate yourself until your skin is nothing but a thin sheet over your muscles. It also decreases chances of ball itch!
Side effects of the drug TerrorMax include madness, arousal, and an insatiable lust for liberty. These volatile properties, Troubadour and his students suspect, have yet to be fully harnessed.
Where his cunning, prescient students learned to substitute vital nutrients for Red Bull, TerrorMax, and Benadryl allergy medicine, they studied under the young legend Dr. Angstrom Troubadour himself, of the Lebal Drocer Institute of Medicine and Dean of the Troubadour School of Nutrition and Sports Medicine.
Real Doctor
“When you take a shit, all the constituents for human feces are there,” Troubadour said. “However, on my ‘experiemental’ spray-on TerrorMist, your movements remain regular, but your shit now contains caustic compounds, vital to the destruction of threats in the body. My special acids will break down pipes in the home, and even diminish the collective function of all city sewer systems, not yet equipped for this revolutionary new diet for the modern man. This diet is so advanced, it is already pushing the limits of the infrastructure itself. Y’all motherfuckers be getting RIPPED, and I know it.”
Troubadour and his team of professional researchers at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals produced a white paper outlining a diet of energy drinks, experimental drugs freshly approved by the FDA, and LSD.
“I told my guys we’re not trying to win a Nobel. We’re just trying to get super healthy, have a good time, and do the things that men do,” Troubadour said. “We just threw a little LSD in there. So what? I do wonder, though, if a person was trying to be healthy, then why are they reading the Internet Chronicle?”
[pullquote]”It’s not the kind of acid you throw in somebody’s face. This is going into your food,” Troubadour said. “If you’re going to throw acid in a woman’s face, you better have the right kind of acid!”[/pullquote]
For some reason, the FDA approved it. They went over it, and found many problems with it. FDA people are a little more optimistic than they used to be, however, and so they passed the drug with flying colors!
“We looked at the shit. It looks pretty bad, if I’m being honest, but it’s not 1994. We are not going to sit here pretending like we give a shit, anymore. Yes, it had problems. Yes, we passed it. Yes, I used to be a consultant for Lebal Drocer, Pharmaceuticals. No, I will not perform oral on you. You want special treatment, bring a gift basket and I’ll meet you around back. I want a Camaro, rented for the night. I’ll return it by 7 a.m. That gets the FDA out of the way.”
–Mysterious diary leaflet LEAKED by a shifty-eyed FDA liaison
A 45-year-old man named Joe, who was at one time addicted to cheeseburgers, got on Dr. Troubadour’s diet plan. It changed his life for the better. He was eating cheeseburgers, he was all stopped up, and found himself in front of Dr. Troubadour’s intake office, in a strip mall outside Gary, Indiana.
“I jumped up in the air and clicked my heels together!” Joe said. “Every cheeseburger I ate resulted in me shitting an equivalent size turd. I once ate a fig newton and a balled up turd popped out. It resembled a lump of cookie dough.”
But Joe’s problem was not with his baby goat shit pellets. Those were cute, he said, and made his kids laugh. The real issue was with his completely wrecked home plumbing.
Because of the Troubadour diet, Joe’s toilet exits through a now useless, busted and corroded pipe hanging loose inside the wall, throwing acid-enhanced shit water into the insulation and floors, which is seeping through the wood, and destroying his concrete foundation.
Because Joe’s two children lived down at eye level with his toxic shit-water, they are being treated at Health Insurance Memorial Hospital for skin burns and inhalation.
Joe’s wife, who asked not to be named, has vacated the home with their children. She is now living it up with all the Brads and Chads she can handle, from the surf shops of Venice Beach, to the inlets and coves of beautiful Bombay. “They had veins bulging out of everywhere,” she texted Joe. “They took me to new heights of pleasure.”
Three strange men will raise Joe’s children as their own.“That’s gut rot!”
As nights became weeks of repeated orgasmic ecstasy, Joe’s wife would never return to her foul, and ruined man, whose bowel movements still poison the air with the acrid stench of death.
However tragic that may be, what she still has not realized is that the chemicals in TerrorMax can “run hot” exiting the urethra. Doctor Angstrom T. advises that his patients use a “controlled stream” when relieving yourselves like the sick animals you are, or run the risk of fully blowing out your own piss-hole.
Troubadour says, “Don’t come crawling back to us when the end of your winky looks like Elmer Fudd’s exploding rifle. I tried to warn you!”
Sensing trouble, Dr. Troubadour then exited this story through an open window in the bathroom, and was never heard from again.
The same thing happening with Joe’s pipes in the wall is also happening to Joe’s intestines and bowels.
In fact, his pipes have become so gunky and weak that he had a lamb’s bladder installed in his body requiring daily surgery to replace a special, proprietary blend of Red Bull over TerrorMax, sold in convenient, non-biodegradable pods. It was a problem Joe could not ignore, but once he confronted it, Lebal Drocer was there with a litany of monkey’s paw miracle medicine.
“They use a lamb’s bladder because it’s compatible with your body,” Joe said. “It’s a daily procedure, and yes it does get costly, but in the long run you see that it’s worth it. I save so much in TerrorMax bypassing my digestive tract in this manner. Just as quick as they patch me back up, I spring up from the operatin’ table and I’m ready to go, go, go.”
Joe’s doing great. The diet for the modern man has revolutionized the way he and his remaining family experience the world. His cousins believe they can taste color via sound waves in the air, and have shown an intriguing capacity for detecting predators through walls from up to 90 meters away, keeping America safe from Iran.
Joe mails his wife alimony and child support for an undisclosed amount– something close to everything he’s got left.
And the kids? Thanks to TerrorMax in Flintstones chewable tablets, the children are flying around like bats, demonstrating perfect command over their bodies as they flutter about the earth in free form.
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc
