advertising Archives — Internet Chronicle

All’s baloney, Jim Mahoney!

Come what may, the preachers pray Karl Malone, he shoots a three and earns him lots of money ’cause my bet is on the pony.

Sick dilution soul’s pollution come come come on restitution
’cause this destitution’s tripping me
Out on the fields of sea lions and seals
I’m looking for the Walrus, man the bridge, is out and Paul, Ringo, and Saul of the Molemen, please, come in.

The Chronicle speaks and leaks truth and disease, mal-ease and pleases the masses
to hear what they fear on deaf ears and dead eyes,
paralyzed by marketing, advertised lies, loan sharking and bastardized
the size of a scene in a dream that seems brighter, beautiful, more green
than previously perceived, deceived by the president, relieved by the precedent,
set crescent moon in the view of the smog, over pogs, peace frogs and hippies with the drip,
acid tripping, time perception clipping, nation-overstepping
conglomeration double-pacing human devolution
loss of the thumb, get dumb, watch crack, listen to choosic, it’s a revolution.

And lose it, drink beer, this bud’s for you, the blue’s clues, it’s
Bred to bleed these thoughts, get taught that your brain rots
swallow, chug, belch and absorb salt, Heart’s shot, here’s a shot
And prescription, no description of what it is or what it’s not.

Don’t sell yourself short, get bought, Stamped and dated,
register yourself online and get rated,
And in just in case it wasn’t plainly stated,
Your ass belongs to Lebal Drocer Incorporated.

Internet Spammers Now Legitimate

It was only a few years ago when the Internet was simply a means through which spammers were able to hijack Internet Explorer and cycle through thousands of pop-up ads making spammers a few cents for each crashed PC. Nowadays, most users have wised up and the illicit trade of phony internet traffic has to all appearances bottomed out. Some have declared the spam industry dead-in-the-water but this is simply not true.

Hormel refused to comment on the effect of negative publicity their Spam product line has suffered. However, they did release a statement to Elf Wax Times purporting “Spam is a quality potted meat product made only of the most delicious butcher’s-floor ingredients.”

About a decade ago, a terrible person found a magic formula. By playing on a man’s inadequacy and a woman’s dissatisfaction, he was able to sell a placebo “enlargement” pill to one impotent and brainless bastard. He rightly figured that since it was so easy to sell to one person then it should work equally as well on a certain cross-section of the population. One person out of every thousand was desperate and dim enough to buy into this literal snake oil, fueling the flow e-mails until technology caught up. Anti-spam measures were put into place, but it was just too late. This person, infinitely ambitious, had made more than enough money to move his product into the flashy bright colored world of televised brainwashing. At this point in time, Enzyte ads began to dominate all advertising air-time, buying up to 25% of all cable television. Enzyte’s placebo effect, greatly magnified by brainwashing, reached a dangerous level and lead to an often deadly phenomena of herbal supplement binges. This in turn lead to the death of several young children and most notably Heath Ledger.

Amway, formerly known as Quixtar, is a legal pyramid scheme that has grown exponentially in the past few years. By forcing the sale of worthless cosmetics and water-filters upon “Independent Business Owners,” Amway makes billions every year. The real genius of Amway is that the effect of spamming is achieved through social networks rather than at random. By brainwashing people into believing that they can make money by helping their friends make money, Amway has been able to legitimately reach the kinds of masses that were at one point only reachable through massive-scale random e-mailings. It is nearly impossible to explain the inner-workings and profit-sharing structure of Quixtar to an average person, but the gist of things boils down to free money upon payment of a nominal fee of only a few hundred dollars-even if the average “Independent Scam Victim” never sees a bit of profit. Of course, even an unitelleigent person will have nothing to do with this, but like Enzyte preys on the cross-section of small-penised and small-brained impotent men, Amway is able to find its victims. In truth, Amway is no more than a legitimized pyramid scheme that has been spread through non-automated internet spam.