THIS SHIT WON’T STOP
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Tag: Bigfoot
PANAMA- A disgusting abomination of nature rose from the murky depths today, frightening children by begging them for a “precious” golden ring. Of course, the children knew not to trust this hideous monster and summarily stoned it to death, as per the teachings of The Elf Wax Times resident cryptozoologist Manny Hansfield.
This photograph was taken shortly after the creature died, but before it mysteriously disappeared. Our Evolutionary Analysts have made integral discoveries regarding the nature of this animal by thorough dissection of this photograph.
The Loch Ness Monster and similair creatures have long been known by science to be serpentine aquatic Mammals, driven to their specific body shape through convergent evolution with horrible sea serpents that share the same niche in the oceans.
Bigfoot, a land dwelling biped, appears to share a common ancestor with both the creature of Loch Ness and the monster from Panama.
“Three million years ago we expect that a strange semi-aquatic biped roamed the ice-bridge between Europe and America, avoiding pre-Eskimos as much as possible due to their horrendous smell. Some of this creature’s descendants became Arctic Seals; some migrated onto land, and some remained in the lochs of Scotland and the Great Lakes of America. This Panama creature represents a relic population similar to the line which migrated onto the to land and became what we now know as Bigfoot.”
Collective relief among cryptozoologists at this new understanding of Earth’s ecosystem has allowed many to begin work on more pragmatic pursuits. Rather then spending months in the wild on the hunt for Bigfoot, some biologists have taken to fabricating their own hoax mammal photographs which, in spite of their blatant non-existence, have already been sold to the major news networks. Other biologists have been putting in “real time” towards genetically engineering bacteria that will use nuclear fission as a source of energy, giving it comic book-style attributes. For example, a specific breed of these cells will be able to infect any living body, re-animate it, and send it on a berserk rampage in furious pursuit of more hosts.
“In the real world, ‘mad scientists’ pursue Bigfoot and Nessie. Now they don’t have that pursuit and are either in complete denial of this fact or have ‘cracked’ and are attempting to use their sparse knowledge of biochemistry to destroy humanity. In all likelihood they will fail miserably, but in light of recent success we should take their endeavors quite seriously.” -Manny Hansfield, cryptozoologist and inventor of the fissilium zomfectus bacteria strain.
Foreword:
As Chief Cryptozoology expert at Elf Wax, I’ve been on the hunt for proof of Bigfoot for years. Lately, some hoaxes have become so complex and convincing, that the truth is actually less detailed and accurate than the hoax itself. Can a hoax be so perfectly orchestrated that the truth of the matter fades into oblivion? I think so.
Project Gigantopithecus
Say we were to take a group of Gorillas and genetically engineer them. This has been done with less sophisticated primates by Japanese research groups, and the animals have not been rendered sterile. In fact, there is a breeding population that has been given a gene that makes the animals glow in the dark. These phosphorescent freak-show monkeys serve no purpose, and no one really wants them to be. What we do need on this planet, obviously, are bipedal gorillas with near-human intelligence. The real problem lies in defeating the skeptical science community that simply does not believe in Bigfoot.
Bigfoot Walks Again!
The first phase will involve proof. A single specimen must be created from a Gorilla fetus in a lab to specifications which have already been stated. That is, we need a dead Bigfoot baby, and we need to drop it off where someone will pick it up in the wild. Once this is accomplished, Bigfoot can be put on the endangered species list, and public funding will pick up the bill for the rest of the plan. A highly intelligent and viable population of bipedal Gorillas must be released into North America, at the expense of the taxpayer.
Bigfoot – A Damn Communist?
The consequences of a Bigfoot population living at peace, in the wild, may stir ideological sentiments in a majority of our population, leading to a Velvet Communist Revolution. This is the part of the hoax where things may get dicey. Rush Limbaugh will likely call for an open season on the noble Bigfoot until they are all dead. Sean Hannity may release thousands of Bald Eagle clones trained to peck out the eyes of apes. We don’t know the kind of backlash that Bigfoot’s release will create, but there are ways to prepare. Arm Bigfoot with assault rifles, and train them in Guerilla combat. This will put off the hunters, and the eagles may have to find other apes to attack on the North American continent.
Wait, won’t this plan just result in a terrible planet of the Apes style scenario?
You betcha.
