Categories
Video World

VIDEO FOOTAGE EXPOSES PENTAGON MURDER COVER-UP

Washington, D.C.–Tyler Bass reports from the 13th floor of the National Press Club as Wikileaks releases a video that allegedly proves a cover-up effort on behalf of the Pentagon, which says the actions of the soldiers involved were in accordance with the rules of engagement. The engagement occurred in 2007.

“The video, shot from an Apache helicopter gun-site, clearly shows the unprovoked slaying of a wounded Reuters  employee and his rescuers. Two young children involved in the rescue were also seriously wounded.”

“Come on, let us shoot!” “Sweet!” “Patoosh!” “Nice missile.”

Click here for a transcript of the video

Moments ago, during the State Department’s daily briefing, State Department Spokesperson P.J. Crowley declined to comment on the video, saying that he had yet to see it.

Julian Assange, editor of Wikileaks at this morning's press conference
Julian Assange, editor of Wikileaks at this morning's press conference

Julian Assange, wikileaks editor spoke.

Here’s what happened:

The video footage is from a guy floating around in a helicopter, Crazyhorse One-Eight.

A Reuter’s cameraman, Namir Noor-Eldeen, lay dying in the street, he was 22. A van approaches to help him.

The Reuters cameraman is clearly unarmed.

He looks at the helicopter and sees it right as it begins firing. He tries to run away but when he darts away the gunner follows him, circling the building.

 Wikileaks' Assange looking on, Apache helicopters fire into a crowded Baghdad neighborhood, pilot "Crazy Horse" lamenting out-of-view carnage.
Wikileaks' Assange looking on, Apache helicopters fire into a crowded Baghdad neighborhood, pilot "Crazy Horse" lamenting out-of-view carnage.

Innocents were in this crowded neighborhood that Crazyhorse One-Eight was firing down into, without regard for the possibility of chipping off pieces of this building and harming innocents who were walking all around it. The 30mm cannon levels a building with its gunfire, so this is a very real possibility. He sees the Reuter’s cameraman who is clearly not holding a weapon and has been pierced already by 30mm cannon-fire. Crazy Horse One-Eight can be heard begging him to pick up a weapon.

It’s really obvious it wasn’t a gun. He’s begging him to get a weapon for an excuse to shoot him – rules of engagement.

“That’s just one dude,” Crazy Horse One-Eight, “He’s fucking nuts,” according to our correspondent.

One guy in the video did have an RPG but he’s not pointing it at the helicopter and isn’t the main focus of the leaked footage, although his presence creates tension.

The military said the cameraman wandered into crossfire, a claim refuted by this leaked video evidence.

Saeed Chmagh, the van's driver
Saeed Chmagh, the van's driver

Tyler Bass said, “When the helicopter started firing, nobody was shooting anybody. So did Amir, the photographer, duck into the crossfire? No.”

The military originally reported six murders, which did not include the photographer. The real number is “over a dozen,” according to Assange. Over twice the official figure.

The story continues:

The second incident follows the cameraman. Essentially they chase some guys into the building and collapse it with gunfire, with bystanders walking around outside of it. “They want permission to engage, obviously not paying attention to what is going on – they don’t know who they are, they don’t give a shit,” Bass reported.

 The widow of murdered Reuters employee Saeed Chmagh, whose daughter has had her stature affected by a helicopter attack whose brutality was disclosed this morning.
The widow of murdered Reuters employee Saeed Chmagh, whose daughter has had her stature affected by a helicopter attack whose brutality was disclosed this morning.

A van, driven by a 40-year-old Saeed Chmagh, was under surveillance in a nearby neighborhood, and came to the injured photographer’s aid. Two children were in the van. One man with an AK-47 was associated with the van although the Pentagon originally reported five guns, not one [it should be noted that many non-militant individuals carry AK-47s through hostile territory for personal protection]. Two men try to help the photographer into the van, but the gunner can be heard begging for permission to shoot them.

Crazy Horse One-Eight is the offender here. Two series of shootings were discussed.

“In total what’s surprising about this is people who fire that way don’t face immediate consequences unless something like this comes out,” Tyler Bass said in a cell phone report.

They haven’t been brought out of a combat situation; this gunner’s intentions were clearly malicious; he treated it like a videogame, begging to kill.

Assange said there are good people in the military who need to speak up more on these issues.

Chmagh's little boy's injuries
Son of Reuters Saeed Chmagh's orphaned son's injuries from 30 mm Apache fire. As evidenced by footage released by Wikileaks this morning, his attacker begged for the chance to fire on the van which his father had stopped to collect an injured colleague.

This whole exposé was possible thanks to Baghdad Reuters confirming details they have. Wikileaks got those kids’ medical records. There was footage of soldiers running with these children; later our military handed them over to the Iraqi hospital, where they received inferior medical treatment, even though the military did this to them. “The guy in the van was just trying to help somebody, loading up the cameraman,” Bass reported as the video rolled before his eyes.

“It was really hard to watch, just really awful,” our correspondent said.

Summary

Important notes:

Assange produces a quote wherein one of the soldiers said they couldn’t approach in humvees because of all the bodies. But one of the guys in the helicopter actually laughs when he sees that the younger employee’s body has been run over.

“It’s really shocking, the man’s disregard for basic human dignity,” said Bass, our correspondent. “It’s not surprising at all that the Pentagon has waited this long to release the footage.”

In the video that they show, the guys in the chopper say that he shouldn’t have brought his kid into a battle. Crazyhorse One-Eight knew he shot a kid.

The children were turned over to Iraqi officials, a shirking of responsibility for what the military did to them.

Chmagh's little boy's injuries
Chmagh's little boy's injuries

The photojournalist’s death was not reported until Reuters demanded an investigation.

The number of dead originally reported was false and did not include the photographer.

Crazyhorse One-Eight was not punished, even though he violated rules of engagement.

The most important thing about Apache pilot “Crazy Horse” is that preferring insurgent kills not captures violates stated policy.

“He fucking laughed. Why is the guy who laughs at bodies being run over operating the machine gun? There is just a basic existential question there obviously some people involved in this didn’t want you to ask about the idea of this guy laughing at all of this. Frankly, the hiding of this for this amount of time is an expression of sympathy with this very sadistic individual.”
-Tyler Bass

Chmagh's little girl is now shorter as a result of the attack. "It has changed her stature," reported Assange
Chmagh's little girl is now shorter as a result of the attack. Assange reported that it has changed her stature
Categories
Local Sports

Richmond Mayor forces two children to fight

The two Richmond boys were allegedly paid in cookies to fight "to the death"
Mayor Jones is seen here applying force on two reluctant boys' pressure-points

Richmond, VA–Mayor Dwight C. Jones (Mister C.) allegedly forced two children to duel for their lives Monday following their “art” submissions to a new program intended to renew inner-city schools by funneling coke money into Jones’ own pockets.

“None of this would have happened if art wasn’t allowed in school,” said the losing victim’s mother Courtney Harris. “I have never felt so ashamed,” she confessed, “until I realized my son is a dead loser.” Ms. Harris later indicated she is “glad” her son is dead, a shift in opinion analysts say is “notable.”

Dwight Jones made no comment about the duel, citing federal gag-orders due to unpaid gambling debts to crack dealers in Jackson Ward, but he did have this to say:

“I have always felt that art in public schools is a waste of money on kids who are inherently talentless but are, as I have proven – better fighters; at least – half of them are.”

“Who knows about the dead?” he quipped.

Who knows, indeed? Richmonders are in an uproar over the whereabouts of the dead child’s body, who can not be named, due not to legal implications but to the fact that authorities have been unable to locate either the whorehouse to which the boy’s mother supposedly belongs, or any records on the child who authorities now believe was born “under the radar.” City officials said due to the loser’s mom being a straight-up crack-whore, no father can possibly be determined. So far, paternity tests have narrowed the possible fathers down to a short list of five men who share the GCG, or Gary Coleman Gene. But their semen is allegedly so polluted with King Cobra malt liquor that no testing machine can solve the “Riddle of the Richmond Ghetto.”

“I hate children, and I support Mayor Jones’ decision to enslave them for use in his personal gambling dens. I wish they’d all die, or at least be forced to do other violent things, like fight in wars.”

-Anonymous

Let's go to the river!The boy’s severely-battered corpse is thought to be somewhere in the James River, a popular dump-point used by the holographic chemical plant Allied Chemical, the shell of a company who once allied with Capitalism to dump kepone, a popular ‘cool’cinogen used in roach poison, into the James River, which consequently flowed straight into the kepone-intolerant nervous systems of many workers in Hopewell – a move Mayor Jones applauds enthusiastically as the James River’s claim to fame. The forty-year poisoning of Hopewell factory workers marks the country’s first environmental disaster that would later give rise to unprecedented shirking of responsibility employed by corporate entities across America.

In the eclipse of U.S. President and War Strategist Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize, Mayor Jones finds little reason to carry out a search for the boy, especially given his intimate, but silent knowledge of the child’s do-doubt gruesome fate which Jones’ publicists said “might spoil the endorsement.” Inside sources say the mayor had the boy contaminated with several carcinogenic compounds that would ferry their way via his body to South Carolina lowlands, where the child will cause countless still-births and unexplainable cancers.

No one from the school board or any of the childrens’ teachers were immediately available for comment. This is due in part to the fact that people in the ghetto are constantly avoiding bill-collectors, so they don’t answer the phone for any unfamiliar number.

More to come on this, as Mayor Jones’ indictment goes awry in the second part of our wacky, cocaine-powdered adventure of “Richmond Mayordruglord to the bitter end.”

Categories
Science Special Interest

Panama Monster is missing link

PANAMA- A disgusting abomination of nature rose from the murky depths today, frightening children by begging them for a “precious” golden ring.  Of course, the children knew not to trust this hideous monster and summarily stoned it to death, as per the teachings of The Elf Wax Times resident cryptozoologist Manny Hansfield.

This disgusting Panama Creature resembles the Montauk Monster and Gollum but is obviously neither.
This disgusting Panama Creature resembles the Montauk Monster and Gollum but is obviously neither.

This photograph was taken shortly after the creature died, but before it mysteriously disappeared. Our Evolutionary Analysts have made integral discoveries regarding the nature of this animal by thorough dissection of this photograph.

The Loch Ness Monster and similair creatures have long been known by science to be serpentine aquatic Mammals, driven to their specific body shape through convergent evolution with horrible sea serpents that share the same niche in the oceans.

Bigfoot, a land dwelling biped, appears to share a common ancestor with both the creature of Loch Ness and the monster from Panama.

“Three million years ago we expect that a strange semi-aquatic biped roamed the ice-bridge between Europe and America, avoiding pre-Eskimos as much as possible due to their horrendous smell.  Some of this creature’s descendants became Arctic Seals; some migrated onto land, and some remained in the lochs of Scotland and the Great Lakes of America.  This Panama creature represents a relic population similar to the line which migrated onto the to land and became what we now know as Bigfoot.”

panama2
The sentence for all monsters is death at the hands of children.

Collective relief among cryptozoologists at this new understanding of Earth’s ecosystem has allowed many to begin work on more pragmatic pursuits.  Rather then spending months in the wild on the hunt for Bigfoot, some biologists have taken to fabricating their own hoax mammal photographs which, in spite of their blatant non-existence, have already been sold to the major news networks. Other biologists have been putting in “real time” towards genetically engineering bacteria that will use nuclear fission as a source of energy, giving it comic book-style attributes.  For example, a specific breed of these cells will be able to infect any living body, re-animate it, and send it on a berserk rampage in furious pursuit of more hosts.

“In the real world, ‘mad scientists’ pursue Bigfoot and Nessie.  Now they don’t have that pursuit and are either in complete denial of this fact or have ‘cracked’ and are attempting to use their sparse knowledge of biochemistry to destroy humanity. In all likelihood they will fail miserably, but in light of recent success we should take their endeavors quite seriously.” -Manny Hansfield, cryptozoologist and inventor of the fissilium zomfectus bacteria strain.