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Local

We come bearing gifts!

It is one thing to know government officials are corrupt. Meeting the indecency face-to-face, however, is another story.

Mike Webert, Career Criminal
Mike Webert is a white collar criminal-in-training who paid his freshman dues to the power structure, attempting to legislate extra money and power to police forces near you.

The neoliberal hate machine known as “The Virginia Way” is far more gruesome than newspapers can tell – or are willing to tell – and this spring I was fortunate enough to learn firsthand just what a nightmare we live in. It was a good experience, but I had anxiety attacks on a near-daily basis.

What I could not articulate at the time is why I thought a “bad” experience was a good thing. Since I believe in myself and the content of my work, I was never so happy to have a story as I was disillusioned by the facts I reported. But I realized that even though I cherish the experience, I never came back from the capitol with a smile on my face, because what I saw there was truly horrific.

I never thought to myself, “That was nice,” or, “That went well.” Each day shocked or disturbed me in new ways. Politicians accept money directly from contractors, for example, to vote on initiatives that put those contractors to work rather than opening jobs up to bidding. And if the rally against Medicaid expansion wasn’t an attack on the working class, then neither was Jim Crow.

I often paced the floors wondering how to communicate basic legislation in the context of Virginia’s descent into hyperlibertarianism.

It was my job to report what I heard and saw, but many times I could not put even the most basic practices into words. The question of ‘why’ was always answered with money, but whose money? The real story felt like it was hidden beneath layers of intentionally misleading arguments, a deceptive smile, or the tone of voice rather than the empty words themselves.

As I continue to follow the money into my own arranged accident, I am still connecting evidence. But the best example of money in politics at the literal level, when dealing with public servants, is the story of a fellow CNS reporter once waited patiently outside of a delegate’s office.

He is an enthusiastic journalist willing to do whatever it takes to get an answer, so when a legislative aide told him his source might be available sometime between the morning and lunch, he decided to wait for that opportunity. With a pen and paper in his lap, he waited for hours.

Legislative aides are people in the capitol building who manage a legislator’s public image, send emails and schedule appointments. They are known to sometimes offer vague details about a politician’s whereabouts or activity. It is a game of their own, and aides control access to our elected officials.

He waited a long time. During his third hour of waiting for a chance to interview the representative, a small group of lobbyists appeared with flowers and gift baskets of fruit, cheeses and dried meats.

“We come bearing gifts!” the female announced, holding up a gift basket with a smile.

“Well, hello!” replied the aide, taking the flowers and displaying them on her desk. “Please, come on in!”

The group strode by as my reporter continued to wait. They disappeared into their mutual representative’s office and closed the door.

If ever a politician was honest, it was a notoriously hateful Manassas Tea Party Republican named Bob Marshall who said Gov. Terry McAuliffe’s executive order – to limit the amount of gifts politicians may legally receive – pushes corruption underground. They still accept blood money; they just don’t publish it on their website.

What nobody will say, however, is why publishing gifts in any amount does little more than add insult to injury upon our political system: when you can purchase a public policy vote, and list the going rate.

"Corporations have money on both sides of the ball. If you still think it's an issue of liberals vs. conservatives, then you still believe in Santa Claus." - Bill Burr
“Corporations have money on both sides of the ball. If you still think it’s an issue of liberals vs. conservatives, then you still believe in Santa Claus.” – Bill Burr

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Categories
Politics Trolling

Occupy Roanoke: John Edwards chased away by own sense of shame

With original reporting by Kilgore Trout of the chronicle.su

Some believe Edwards is capable of lying even while not speaking, through photographs.

Roanoke, Va.– Occupy Roanoke turned hilarious Saturday when career politician John Edwards (Criminal) attempted to subdue a crowd of hundreds with the soothing sounds of meaningless rhetoric and campaign promises.

Edwards was promptly chased away by an angry crowd who demanded from him explanations on his dubious voting record of transparency, neoliberalism and human decency. Lacking decency, the North Carolina Senator retreated back into the shadows so everyone could enjoy their day.

Decency is one of many criminal cases brought against the old money presidential candidate, who left his wife on her deathbed for another woman. [Editor’s note: Edwards later told reporters he knew his decision would send a strong message to constituents that he is willing to give “whatever excuse” for anything shitty he may inevitably do.]

The Roanoke occupation continued as planned, Trout said, and will reside under the umbrella of Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiary, Chronicle.SU “until it gets boring.”

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Sports

To Roanoke

For looking at the most glory holes!

Roanoke, Virginia wins The Elf Wax Times award for most likely to initiate a glory hole over any other city in the entire world!

Glory goles to the left of me, glory holes to the right. Roanoke, Virginia is the town for glory holes, tonight!

Roanoke, Virginia googles more glory holes than anything else in the entire world according to our latest statistics.

Conversely, Miley Cyrus is the most googled thing worldwide. According to analytics, she even googles herself.

This article is part of an ongoing series known as Miley Analytics

Glory Hole for me, Glory Hole to you. Glory hole whoa whoa mole mole dig little mole into the gloriest of holes.

Dig into the glory hole.

Whoa.

-The Elf Wax Times

Dig Into The Glory Hole, Little Mole.
Dig Into The Glory Hole, Little Mole.