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Society

Misunderstood serial killer ‘indignant’ after he is mistakenly identified as a rapist

Preconceived notions of what it means to “look like a rapist” are being challenged in the Virginia State Supreme Court after admitted serial killer Victor Champ was apprehended by police in yet another case of mistaken identity, and having to go before dozens of police lineups following a rash of sexual assaults around college campuses in the Southeastern US.

It was embarrassing… humiliating… and sick.

  • Victor “Angel of Death” Champ, known serial killer

“Just because you might think I’m dressed like I want to rape somebody doesn’t doesn’t make it my fault when police stop me as I’m skulking around town,” Champ said. “What I do with my body is my choice, and I should not have to feel ashamed for wearing blood on my clothes, learning people’s habits, and sitting for hours in a van parked outside your house.”

A murderer calling himself Vince said there is no safe space where a murderer can openly be himself anymore.

Serial killer looking sad because he was mistaken for a rapist
“I just want by life back.” – Marvin Brooks, mass murderer

“We used to meet up at Pop’s Chocolate Shop on the third Tuesday of every month for ice cream sundaes,” Vince, who asked that his first name not be given, told Internet Chronicle on Thursday. “I would eat Victor’s cherries, because he couldn’t eat cherries.”

That’s when police began to notice the men. “We were just killing people in our spare time, doing our thing, having coffee together in the evenings,” Champ said. “But now it’s late at night. We’re stalking neighborhoods.”

A haggard and mangy bum whom Richmond locals call ‘Brooks’ said he knows when he is being profiled, and blames police prejudice for Champ’s recent mistreatment. Brooks says it isn’t fair how police believe all scraggly, cold-eyed men everywhere, wearing dirty clothes in cul-de-sacs are there to commit violent sex crimes.

“My god, we aren’t rapists!” Brooks said. “We were looking for murder victims. What do you think, I’m some kind of animal? No, man, I kill middle-aged businessmen who are on their way back home from the gym, and are too tired to put up a struggle, and later I mail pieces of their bodies to their family members over long periods of time. Okay, so please, spare me your judgment.”

Out of 25 police departments contacted for this story, none would respond but the Richmond Police Department, who most recently misapprehended Champ, the “Angel of Death” serial killer responsible for the murders and disappearances of more than 60 people from Alabama, Texas and Arkansas. RPD released a statement refusing to name the offending officer, adding only that the matter is being investigated internally, and they will punish anyone found fucking up or whatever, definitely. Just chill.

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Entertainment

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Local

Man claims four lives amid chilling case of the Mondays

Houston–SlaveTech Enterprises office monkey Harold Strafford the Third opened fire on his colleagues Wednesday after contracting a rare, unseasonable case of the Mondays.

Police respond to brutal office slayings
Police responded with deadly force. “This is like no case of the Mondays I’ve ever seen,” said Officer Mike Fish. “Today is Wednesday.”

Mario Kline, 32, described the gripping moment Strafford decided to murder his colleagues. Strafford stepped Kline’s wounded body just before succumbing to a hail of gunfire by responding officers.

“He strafed down aisle after aisle of cubicles, pumping a frenzy of lead into anything that moved – and all the computers. Especially the computers. It was horrible. I had all my porn on there, and some people are dead.”

Shotgun blast after shotgun blast, Strafford killed four people and injured seventeen others. Among his victims were two office clerks, a member of upper-middle management, and the secretary who greeted him at the door. Each victim was shot in the mouth.

Strafford’s attorney, Leo Steinbrenner, told reporters his client was “under a lot of stress” Wednesday, and had no patience for people constantly asking him what was wrong. “He was just having a case of the Mondays,” Steinbrenner explained, adding, “Sure, my client acted out of line; sure, you can call it a murderous rampage. But in a bad job market, my client is a maverick. [emphasis added] You can’t say he isn’t thinking outside the box! Try to look at it this way: my client is a job creator.”

A note found on the gunman’s untouched desk exhibits total loss of control as Strafford ultimately succumbed to the will of his unsuppressed rage, and urge to create jobs:

USELESS ENVisioning a pick-axe in your fucking face of raw bone
pure fury hatred “Bella Mew. Monday. Wednesday morning murderhate.”
Little faggot daughter suck a dick find a man, try to escape this loveless land,
I dare you little whore–
Try to escape
My murderous hand.

“Old Brutus,” SlavTech custodian, said Strafford confronted him in the middle of his killing spree. “He looked me in the eye and said I’ve got a lot of work to do – ‘after all this’ – cleaning up blood, and guts, and stuff. He said he had no hard feelings toward me, mostly because out of all the weed he ever smoked in his life, he said just about all fifty pounds of it came from me and my people.”

Harold Strafford seen here suffering from case of the Mondays
Harold Strafford, just moments before snapping into a psychopathic killing spree.

No word yet on how the family’s victims will cope with today’s brutal tragedy, but sources are already reporting intake of marijuana, alcohol and barbiturates to ease the pain of losing a father, a brother, a son, a daughter, wife, a sister, a close friend – all beloved office drones – all sacrificed at the hands of a case of the Mondays.

Our prayers and the prayers of Lebal Drocer, Inc. go out to the SlavTech Corporation whose untold suffering won’t be felt until Monday, when Human Resources must undergo the arduous task of listing several job openings on the Internet date rape site craigslist.org.