Categories
Reviews

Electric Wizard

Electric Wizard is the only modern-day stonermetal band that fucking jams consistently.

Obviously, props go out to heavy metal badasses The Sword, and while they are really very good and rock with the badassitude of Black Sabbath or AC/DC, they don’t hold a candle the brain-fuzzing vocals and asshole-tearing riffs of the amazing Electric Wizard.

Their songs range from spaced-out bass grooves with tripped-out repeating guitar and phaser-enhanced vocals to all out sludge jams with straight-up screaming – but not that growly shitty screaming you hear in teenage pop music, but actual singing with emotion and purpose.

Electric Wizard is a band whose guitar solos hark back to Tony Iommi, but their rhythms are comparable to Slo-Burn, Kyuss and at times resemble doom metal. Contributing to time dilation, the tempos can slow down as low as about 60 or 80, but make your foot tap about 160 when the solo comes screaming out of nowhere and you’re being screamed at like you killed Jesus – just to hear him scream.

Their song material ranges from hate to drugs to the travel of space and time. No faggy stuff about love here, folks. Just sludgy, face-melting reality-altering jams.

Buy any album, or bittorrent them and buy tickets to their fucking shows. [Editor’s note: A good practice if you’re going to download a band’s discography is find a way to donate what money you can afford to their operation.]

Try to find their song “Chrono Naut.”

Categories
Editorial Hate

Barack Obama's personality cult

Ask any Democrat about Bradley Manning. This is probably what they will say.

You don’t have to graduate high school to understand that by uttering the words “He broke the law,” President Obama has overstepped the powers granted to him by the constitution. My memory of 5th grade civics is a little distant, but I think it’s the judicial branch of government that gets to declare when the law is broken.

It’s important to understand that this is a civil issue and not a military one. There is absolutely no evidence that any members of the military have come to harm because of Bradley Manning’s alleged leaks. Not only that, but the leaks in question were not sold to our enemies. They were revealed to the entire world. This is the only proper context from which to view Bradley Manning’s alleged crimes. In such a context, the leaks can only be described as civil disobedience. The media, the military, and Barack Obama himself have told every possible lie to obscure the proper understanding of this issue from the general public. Those within the Obama administration who speak out are purged.

Ask a Democrat about why Barack Obama decided to escalate war in Afghanistan. They will most likely tell you that it was completely necessary in order for us to win. Thanks to Bradley Manning, we know this is a lie. The idea that innocent civilians suffer most from war is now fact. No civilian or soldier on either side wins this kind of war. Should that really be a state secret?

Ask a Democrat about Libya. They’ll tell you we’re just doing what the UN told us to, keeping Gaddafi from committing genocide. They regurgitate Obama’s bullshit as if it was their own. Oh, there are no boots on the ground — just special forces and CIA. Gaddafi doesn’t need his meager air force to continue genocide. He has plenty of artillery to indiscriminately shell rebel-held cities. He still has plenty of tanks to crush his citizens.

We, as a people, must remember the economic benefit of expending bombs and using up fuel. It means more money for big business. America doesn’t have much of an interest in Libya except that gigantic corporations stand to profit. Should public opinion support a ground war, we will have it. Barack Obama’s voice for hope and change will continue to infect humanity with death and condemn those who stand for true change.

It’s interesting what information Bradley Manning holds in the recesses of his shattered mind. Obama knows that Manning has a network of supporters in every level of government and military. For Manning, this has meant months of humiliation and cold, sleepless nights. Bradley Manning’s silence has protected American dissidents from a Stalinist purge.

“Well, as long as Obama says its okay.”

Categories
Sports

The Verticle Fuzzy Peach Smile and The Wizard of the Internet

It was a dry day on the motherboard when Frosty, the malignant wizard of the west coast appeared with Magic: The Gathering cards of wisdom.

He opened his robe methodically revealing full frontal nudity to the Elves. He showed them there is no way other than his own, as he exposed his mechanical penis which unfurled into a tentacle hose and proceeded to fuck the nearest child-elf from where he stood.

Pneumatically, he pumped and surged his pulsating hentai-cock of hate into the elf as he realized its striking resemblance to himself. Actually, it was his daughter.

For Frosty hath fucked more than a handful of elves on a drunken night out, in the days of Elven Wax and cloven hooves which stamped upon the two-sided face of liberty under a downpour of alcohol, bile and piss. Yes, beneath many moons, he did rape religiously.

Tossing his daughter to the ground, Frosty was no longer thirsty for sexual assault.

He then proceeded to peddle worthless Magic cards to the bustling Elf community, among whom he is still revered to this day for his propensity to give away too many free cards, even in spite of his bottomless hunger for rape, which seemed to never end.

“Fwosty,” a small boy tugged at his robe. “Fwosty, won’t you sing fow us?”

Frosty was a magical singer but today he was in no mood. He handed him a Black Lotus without telling him it was fake. The boy was ecstatic and immediately went home to finger his sister in celebratory ecstasy.

Just at that moment, Frosty began to feel disgust with his life of trading card games and unabashed rape. His cock formed into a pistol and reeled out of his tan Big Lebowski robe to jam itself instinctively into his mouth. Being unlike any normal gun, Frosty the Wizard performed autofellatio in the town square for at least 45 minutes, before townsmen arrived, with the jesters and even the Elf King and Queen who all received news of a powerful wizard giving himself a blowjob, sucking what appeared to be a .45 calibur handgun.

He ejaculated a three-round burst of gunfire into his own brainstem and was promptly cleaned up by Waste Management, who exist on the Internet, too.

And the peasants rejoiced.