Myers to Bachmann: UMAD? LOL

Apocalyptic imagery has officially become lame.

Rep. Michelle Bachmann has backed down from a debate with 16 year old Amy Myers. The beautiful and intelligent Ms. Myers is now the target of threats and insults, but the fact is that she has a nicer smile than Bachmann and doesn’t even look like a witch at all. The lulz Ms. Myers must be experiencing will probably become a life long addiction, but she’s smart enough to do something excellent with it.

Rep. Bachmann actively organizes classes in the Constitution for members of congress, but is not confident enough to face Ms. Myers in a debate on the subject. We all know that Michelle Bachmann is the whore. Michelle Bachmann is the one who’s had her career threatened.

Protip, Powerfags: Amy Myers knows more about the constitution than anyone, and can incinerate your career in a heartbeat. Back the fuck away, slowly, and let her take over before it’s too late.

Advertising campaign triggers 351st rapture

At midnight, May 21, 2011, families and clergy gathered into a church to pray for their salvation from the coming rapture. Their church was burned down by an insane man who believed he was “the angel of death.” Fox News is replaying a small clip from his now-blocked youTube account.

“I have triggered the rapture, for I am the angel of death. God has a message, and I am his messenger. All who burn will enter heaven.”

The advertising campaign that originated from Family Radio owner Harold Camping likely caused this man to go insane, and his insanity has gone viral. Reports of burning houses all over America  have become a self-reinforcing loop of terror, #trending on Twitter, seeded by sockpuppets hired by Harold Camping.  The waves of suicides have caused religious communities to panic, and the Pope issued this statement, in Latin:

“Burn yourselves and you will be sure to face eternal Hell and Damnation!”

An information war is raging between believers and skeptics of the Rapture. Skeptics have tossed out clothing, as a prank on the believers,  a threatening statement about the dangers of religion. Believers have put on their own miraculous youTube hoaxes which are much more convincing. Many depict strange UFO activity and people unexpectedly disappearing. As always, the best hoaxes have been put on by those who are just doing it for the lulz. The hoax-war is mostly canceling itself out, forcing people to further their belief in nothing, turning on-the-fence atheists into full-blown god hating baby rapists and on-the-fence rapturists into suicides.

Harold Camping has been arrested, and faces charges for committing genocide on the religious. In such a spiritually lacking and sickly paranoid culture built on a foundation of media, the effects of this kind of malignant fearmongering is beyond Camping’s wildest dreams. All prophecies are self-fulfilling, and this did not originate from Harold Camping. It started with the bible, the most enduring and effective meme in Western culture. Harold Camping has only played his part, as many before him have. Harold Camping has spent a fortune to convince the world to commit suicide. If you don’t die before the rapture, Harold Camping says you will be annihilated. This is much worse than hell, because you will completely cease to exist. Pretty girl, pretty pretty girl.

 

 

Stalking Brenda Song

Brenda SongBrenda Song is the fuckably-hot Asian girl from Disney’s Suite Life On Deck. Don’t ask why I was watching this because it won’t be covered in this article (click here for an explanation for why I watch Disney Channel at midnight).

In a flash of delusions insight, I thought, “I should stalk seek her out.” So I went on her website. Looks like somebody’s already one step ahead of me.

Some creep asking Brenda Song how best to stalk her
Location: UNKNOWN

But only one step ahead of me, though he clearly has his eye on the prize and puts my rapist ambitions to shame.

I found the above post on her message center (her guestbook). Believe it or not, it gets even better.

Brenda's Creeper
Just tell him where to mail it, Brenda.

I don’t even know what to say about this fellow. He posts faithfully, every day, and the screenshot you see here is his shortest post yet. By the progression of his messages, I predict total emotional collapse, coinciding conveniently with the Rapture set to take place Saturday.

And just when you thought the weirdness was too much to bear, this happened:

Brenda's Baby-Daddy
OK, now WTF

By this point, I just feel bad for Brenda Song. This guy Mickey – no relation to Disney’s cartoon mouse (I think) – has been trying to make their one-sided relationship work which, unbeknown to Brenda Song, appears broken beyond repair; all this, in spite of Mickey’s anticipation of their second love child (his words, not mine). Mick’s obsession appears to have lasted roughly two weeks, or the average amount of time necessary for a Hollywood stalker-rush to degenerate into angry masturbation.

The Suite Life On Deck is the reincarnation of Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, a show on the Disney Channel chronicling the misadventures of two latent-homosexual cousins.

After reading this, Brenda Song will resort to puritanical moderation of her website, before removing the comments section altogether.

END OF THE WORLD "CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH"

The End of the World is just around the corner, and for the first time ever, the  predictions are not met with fear, but hopeful optimism that they are true.

“I want to die,” said 53-year-old Jacob Bremaur, “and I want everyone I know to die a fiery death. I deserve a reward for living a good, forgiving life in the footsteps of Christ, and the sinners who live among us deserve to rot painfully in eternal hellfire – especially Noam Chomsky, for saying that bad stuff about George Bush.”

With a wink of his eye, Bremaur added, “See you there, George.”

News of the Rapture falls equally on the apathetic minds of a culture in which religion and spirituality take the backseat to sexting, iPods and electronic sex organs.

Stan Rosenstein, social scientist and professor emeritus of Sexual Psychology said most people will not notice their friends’ and families’ ascent into unending blissful peace, especially those closely following Nancy Grace’s coverage of the Casey Anthony case now in full swing.

“The whole world just doesn’t give a fuck,” said Rosenstein, “because for a baby-killer, that mom is hot as shit. Though I concede that she may not have been quite as pretty while smothering her baby with chloroform in the trunk of her car. But nobody’s perfect.”

The Religious Right will keep their eyes to the skies tomorrow, where Lebal Drocer, Inc. jets are scheduled to spell out in chemtrails the hourly countdown to eternal salvation – or damnation – depending on whether or not you read the Chronicle.SU

Pirate Party illegal in Germany

Two days before elections in Bremen, the Pirate Party’s internet servers were seized by police for criminal investigation. This application of police force is justified by allegations that Anonymous used a free co-authoring service, PiratenPad, which is located on the Pirate Party’s servers. Anonymous occasionally uses this service to coauthor treatises, press releases, and other documents. 4chan, the central command of Anonymous, remains outside of German jurisdiction.

Clearly, Anonymous has become a worldwide terrorist threat in the eyes of European and American government. To associate legitimate movements for internet freedom with Anonymous is a predictable tactic. However, the disturbing seizure of the Pirate Party’s web servers reveals a fatal error in German democracy. The sixth largest political party in Germany is the victim of a completely illegal political attack that it may never recover from.

The use of force to silence legitimate political movements is itself an act of terrorism aimed at the base of democracy. One wonders if the electorate might become infected with sockpuppets voting under realistic identities, as the internet has. If it is permitted for businesses and government to weaponize social media in order to shift public opinion, why not cut to the chase and use the same technology to rig the vote?

Voting for the Pirate Party will give authorities the right to seize your computers and raid your home for Guy Fawkes masks. If a single mask is found, you and your family will be imprisoned without trial, indefinitely. One day you’ll wake up in Guantanamo bay, where your favorite books will be defiled by grinning American soldiers as you lie naked on a concrete floor.

 

 

The end is Fear!

The announcement of Osama Bin Laden’s death has provided the Obama administration with the kind of public support they need to push for a new war. The withdrawal from Afghanistan will now come very soon, as our forces ready to redeploy in Pakistan and possibly Iran. Obama has sided with Palestinian demands, endorsing a return to 1967 borders. The political climate of the region, as exemplified by recent riots outside the Israeli Embassy in Cairo, necessitates a permanent solution for peace if Israel wants to continue to exist. Meanwhile, a multi-million dollar advertising campaign in America has sparked fear and religious fervor by invoking the Apocalypse.

Public opinion and religious faith vacillates wildly after such artificially contrived events. Osama’s death and the oncoming Rapture give the government the social capital it needs to exert power, and exert power it will. Arab World: All your base are belong to us.

The middle east is a nuclear powder keg, and it’s jammed full of insanely extreme theocracies, revolting citizens, stateless military factions, suicidal terrorists, insane dictators, and hordes of huddled masses left waiting for death to rain from the sky. Has America overextended itself, or have we wisely created a base for logistics of a prolonged World War? Should Russia or China become fully involved in a worldwide conflict in these territories, their logistical advantage would be insurmountable. America’s economic failures and dwindling technological edge are disturbing trends which our enemies will take advantage of whenever possible.

Meanwhile, the House of Representatives has primed the fuse. As America worries about the rapture, the devils are quietly pushing legislation that will permanently grant the Executive branch full warmongering powers. It is fear that will pay for this war!

Kilgore Trout Quits Both Anonymous and lowercase anonymous!!!!!!!!1

it’s been a long struggle to get to where i am today with lowercase anonymous, and as you can see, i’ve given up on uppercase letters altogether. people can play playstation again, and life is back to normal. i have chosen today to reveal the most shocking fact of all time. my very first trolling handle was in fact guy fawkes, and i have the long-form birth certificate to prove it:

read moar books nonimus? since none of u were able to read books, i disregard ur bawww literary criticism. remember forever that i quit anonymous because no one had read the epilogue to timequake by kurt vonnegut. it’s his last novel ever, his final words . it is a secret final admission to an accidental uber troll by kurt vonnegut himself, using teh alias guy fawkes.

i quit anonymous! i quit anonymous! i quit it SO HARD! I QUIT ANONYMOUS!!!! I SWEAR!!!!

btw, u just joined lowercase anonymous by becoming aware of it. the true definition of lowercase anonymous is the set that contains all sets. it can never contain itself so you are immediately and paradoxically a part of lowercase anonymous and not a part of it at the same time. rofl.

you know what? i think i’ll quit lowercase anonymous too. I QUIT LOWERCASE ANONYMOUS!!!!

Planking meme turns deadly!

The early stages of radiation insanity taking hold.

In the months following the Fukushimi Daiichi disaster, a thick layer of invisible radiation began to affect the minds of the people of Australia. The so-called “internet meme” of planking is a Psy-Op misinformation campaign to neutralize evidence of irradiated minds of millions. It is also an extreme sport.

As people are drawn into the vicious cycle of photographing increasingly extreme planking, they begin to engage in suicidal behavior. The meaning behind a million views on the internet is, in many cases, greater than the planker’s mortality.

Do not attempt extreme planking without proper training.

Planking reveals the unconscious desire for an early death. With its first death in the news, planking will become a worldwide obsession as the radiation eats our brains. The most extreme sport of all time: assuming the position of a corpse in increasingly more dangerous places. Acton Beale, the first death of the sport, is a legend whose courageous planking will be remembered forever.

Meanwhile, the government of Australia has condemned planking. Following the suit of New Zealand, Australia plans to enact legislation that will force internet surveillance on all planking activity. It also allows the government of Australia to spy on anyone who posts a picture containing a body in a “mostly rigid” posture.

RIP, Acton Beale

Acton Beale’s final planking stunt was closed-casket, so as not to encourage more planking. However, his funeral was not devoid of planking. For the first time in history, a gravestone was planked.

Such extreme planking is dangerous not only to the planker, but the motorists beneath.

Since the death of Beale, Planking has reached dangerous new heights. Some plankers have taken to planking over interstates, and crocodile pits. Some have taken to planking on increasingly sharp surfaces in increasingly effective attempts at impaling themselves. Planking while drunk or on drugs provides a great rush, as well as planking on railroad tracks. Certainly, planking is the world’s fastest growing extreme sport. The limits of planking have not yet been imagined.

What's funnier than a dead baby? RICK SANTORUM!!!!1

What’s funnier than a dead baby? When Rick Santorum brings it home from the hospital and introduces it to the kids!

“Karen Santorum wrote a book about the experience: Letters to Gabriel: The True Story of Gabriel Michael Santorum.[11] In it, she writes that the couple brought the deceased infant home from the hospital and introduced the dead child to their living children as “your brother Gabriel” and slept with the body overnight before returning it to the hospital. The anecdote was also written about by Michael Sokolove in a 2005 New York Times Magazine story on Santorum.[1] Karen is also the author of a book on etiquette for children.[12]

Rick Santorum is opposed to accidental, biological abortion! That’s extreme enough for me. By god, ObamaCare’s going to kill my grandchildren. I don’t CARE if my daughter gets raped, that’s the kind of grandchild I WANT anyway. Finally! Someone with the courage to stand up against the DEVIL.

Vote for Rick Santorum 2012!

He will introduce the corpse of America to his children, and then cuddle the fetus all night with his wife. We need a president who doesn’t mind the smell of a baby in the first stages of decomposition! That is the state of America, thanks to Hussein Obama!

FAITH IN THE FACE OF DEATH! RICK SANTORUM 2012!

A personal appeal from Chronicle.SU founder Ronny Nitro

A personal appeal from Chronicle.SU founder Ronny "Wayne" Nitro

The Chronicle provides the public with the service of factual and up-to-date information that other news sources fear. Under the umbrella of Lebal Drocer, we are provided with an endless supply of capital. However, we are facing a desperate shortage of GTFO.

I’m writing this today to beg of you, please, do your part. Without more GTFO, Chronicle.SU will simply be unable to feed the internet hate-machine.

Without GTFO, we might be stuck with hours’ – or even days’ – worth of your unwanted presence, wasting bandwidth and hogging up all the truth so others can’t have any. Share the truth. GTFO.

Without GTFO, we can not be bothered to produce the counterculture propaganda you couldn’t possibly think up for yourselves. You need us, and we need you, to GTFO.

The dual nature of GTFO is the driving force of the Chronicle.SU. Without GTFO, there can be nothing out of which to GTF.

That is because there is a whole world outside. In order to fully understand and appreciate the Chronicle, you must GTFO: experience the outside world, watch FOX News, or at least shop at Kroger. Then come back to the Chronicle, and bring with you, please, your generous contribution of GTFO.

We welcome small donations as well!

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