Chronicle.SU is run by both the US and Russian government, so say the cookies!

The  following quote was posted on AnonNews.org today, finally revealing the truth about Chronicle.SU, which has long been known as a government Psy-Op campaign to discredit Anonymous through hilarious jokes. Strangely, it is completely correct. We’re not a satire web site. We are in fact harvesting all your illegal activities into a searchable database that will be made public to embarrass Anonymous for being so full of herp and derp.

DO NOT CLICK LINK

CHRONICLE.SU IS RUN MY A PRIVATE SECURITY FIRM UNDER FEDERAL CONTRACT

tracking cookies, automatically sending IP logs, IRC bot logs and other strange stuff found on server after several members complained of chronicle.su placing tracing cookies

farther research relieved that the “Russian Institute for Public Networks” (RIPN) sold the domain to a Washington State security company by the name of “IID” or “Internet Identity” on 2010-10-09 where it is believed that the information they collect is sent to the feds

BEWARE

the server is currently under IP 74.220.219.69 hosted by Bluehost

By viewing this you have been hacked by the government. Anonymous has stolen our tactic of accusing Anonymous of being run by the feds, so now we will steal their tactics for going on the defensive: We did not infect you with cookies, it was in fact a domain using the name of Chronicle.SU! Not us! While anyone may use the name of Chronicle.SU, this tactic of stealing your information goes completely against our history of upright satire and hilarity.

Anonymous is not dead yet

The power of Anonymous rests in the media attention it gets. A small group of people began to act as the sole media front-end for Anonymous and held all the power in this position. Anonymous lost confidence in its own representatives and has since continued with business as usual. The failed DDoS attack on the Chamber of Commerce lacked participation and the element of surprise, leading some to declare Anonymous ‘dead’.

Anonymous is the dead horse that comes back to life as soon as someone comes around and kicks it. The 8,000 people who joined in DDoS attacks to support  WikiLeaks are still there and still mad as hell. The support for DDoS, however, has dwindled. Forty of the DDoSers from the cablegate affair were arrested, and the definition of “civil disobedience” has come into question after Sonygate.

As applied to Mastercard, which imposed unfair financial punishment to WikiLeaks, DDoS was wholly regarded as symbolic civil disobedience. When Sony was attacked, millions of gamers were disconnected because of DDoS. This was not viewed as civil disobedience.

When media becomes little more than a propaganda filter full of opinionated liars, there needs to be a balance. Rather than voting up attack plans for the Chamber of Commerce on Reddit, vote up material that will inform people of the issue, and give them a list of ways to contact the people behind Protect IP. I have sent repetitive e-mails to their offices, flooding them with disapproval. When DDoS is spoiled and inappropriate, there are better ways to have your voice heard. No one supports PROTECT IP. Why do Senators masquerade as representatives of anything but corporate power? Let them know who’s really in charge. Below are a list of the sponsors of PROTECT IP and links to email them, telephone them, and yes, even fax them.

The PROTECT IP Act is the work of Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) and is cosponsored by Senators Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-.R.I.), Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), Herb Kohl (D-Wis.), Christopher Coons (D-Del.), and Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.)

Senators with Twitter Accounts: @ChrisCoons,[email protected],[email protected],[email protected],[email protected]

Senator Leahy:

Shit-eating contact form for Leahy

Washington Office 437 Russell Senate BldgUnited States SenateWashington, DC 20510(202) 224-4242

Burlington Office 199 Main Street, 4th Floor Burlington, VT 05401(802) 863-25251-800-642-3193

Montpelier Office P.O. Box 93387 State Street, Room 338 Montpelier, VT 05602(802) 229-0569

 

Chuck Schumer’s multiple offices:

Shitty Contact form for Chuck Schumer

Washington D.C. 322 Hart Senate Office Building Washington D.C. 20510 Phone: 202-224-6542 Fax: 202-228-3027 TTD: 202-224-0420

New York City 757 Third Avenue Suite 17-02 New York, NY 10017 Phone: 212-486-4430 Fax: 212-486-7693 TDD: 212-486-7803

Albany Leo O’Brien Building Room 420 Albany, NY 12207 Phone: 518-431-4070 Fax: 518-431-4076

Binghamton 15 Henry Street Room M103 Binghamton, NY 13901 Phone: 607-772-6792Fax: 607-772-8124

Buffalo 130 South Elmwood Avenue #660 Buffalo, NY 14202 Phone: 716-846-4111 Fax: 716-846-4113

Hudson Valley One Park Place, Suite 100Peekskill, NY 10566 Phone: 914-734-1532 Fax: 914-734-1673

Long Island 145 Pine Lawn Road #300 Melville, NY 11747 Phone: 631-753-0978 Fax: 631-753-0997

Rochester 100 State Street, Room 3040 Rochester, NY 14614 Phone: 585-263-5866 Fax: 585-263-3173

Syracuse 100 South Clinton Street Room 841 Syracuse, NY 13261-7318Phone: 315-423-5471 Fax: 315-423-5185

Enough offices senatorfag?

Diane Feinstein

Poop sexing contact form

Senator Dianne Feinstein
United States Senate
331 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20510

Phone: (202) 224-3841
Fax: (202) 228-3954
TTY/TDD: (202) 224-2501

San Francisco
One Post Street, Suite 2450
San Francisco, CA 94104
Phone: (415) 393-0707
Fax: (415) 393-0710

The following counties are served by the San Francisco office: Alameda, Butte, Colusa, Contra Costa, Del Norte, El Dorado, Glenn, Humboldt, Lake, Lassen, Marin, Mendocino, Modoc, Monterey, Napa, Nevada, Placer, Plumas, Sacramento, San Benito, San Francisco, San Mateo, Santa Clara, Santa Cruz, Shasta, Sierra, Siskiyou, Solano, Sonoma, Sutter, Tehama, Trinity, Yolo, Yuba.

Los Angeles
11111 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 915
Los Angeles, CA 90025
Phone: (310) 914-7300
Fax: (310) 914-7318

The following counties are served by the Los Angeles office: Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Ventura.

San Diego
750 B Street, Suite 1030
San Diego, CA 92101
Phone: (619) 231-9712
Fax: (619) 231-1108

The following counties are served by the San Diego office: Orange, Riverside, San Bernardino, Imperial, San Diego.

Fresno
2500 Tulare Street, Suite 4290
Fresno, CA 93721
Phone: (559) 485-7430
Fax: (559) 485-9689

The following counties are served by the Fresno office: Alpine, Amador, Calaveras, Fresno, Imperial, Inyo, Kern, Kings, Madera, Mariposa, Merced, Mono, San Joaquin, San Luis Obispo, Stanislaus, Tulare, Tuolumne.

Sheldon Whitehouse

Poopfuck fuck poop form

Providence Office:
170 Westminster Street
Suite 1100
Providence, RI 02903
401-453-5294 phone
401-453-5085 fax

Washington Office:
Hart Senate Office Building
Room 717
Washington, D.C. 20510
202-224-2921 phone
202-228-6362 fax

Lindsey Graham

Contact Lindsey Graham via Poopsex

Washington Office
290 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
(202) 224-5972

Upstate Regional Office
130 South Main Street, 7th Floor
Greenville
(864) 250-1417

Midlands Regional Office
508 Hampton Street, Suite 202
Columbia
(803) 933-0112

Pee Dee Regional Office
McMillan Federal Building
401 West Evans Street, Suite 111
Florence
(843) 669-1505

Lowcountry Regional Office
530 Johnnie Dodds Boulevard, Suite 202
Mt. Pleasant
(843) 849-3887

Piedmont Regional Office
235 East Main Street, Suite 100
Rock Hill
(803) 366-2828

Golden Corner Regional Office
124 Exchange Street, Suite A
Pendleton
(864) 646-4090

Herb Kohl

Shit Form

Washington Office
330 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
(202) 224-5653
Fax: (202) 224-9787

Eau Claire Office
402 Graham Ave., Suite 206
Eau Claire WI 54701
(715) 832-8424
Fax: (715) 832-8492

Appleton Office
4321 W. College Ave., Suite 370
Appleton, WI 54914
(920) 738-1640
Fax: (920) 738-1643

Milwaukee Office
310 W. Wisconsin Ave., Suite 950
Milwaukee, WI 53203
(414) 297-4451
Fax: (414) 297-4455
1-800-247-5645 Wisconsin Residents

Madison Office
14 W. Mifflin St., Suite 207
Madison, WI 53703
(608) 264-5338
Fax: (608) 264-5473

La Crosse Office
205 5th Avenue South, Room 216
La Crosse, WI 54601
(608) 796-0045
Fax: (608) 796-0089

Christopher Coons

Write Shit to Coons!

Washington D.C. Office

127A Russell Senate Office Building<
Washington, D.C., 20510

Phone: (202) 224-5042
Fax: (202) 228-3075
Wilmington Office
1105 N. Market St.
Suite 2000
Wilmington, DE, 19801-1233

Phone: (302) 573-6345

Fax: (302) 573-6351

 

Milford Office

24 NW Front St.

Windsor Building Suite 101

Milford, DE, 19963
Phone: (302) 424-8090
Fax: (302) 424-8098

Richard Blumenthal

Shitty Shit Shit Shit

State Office
30 Lewis St.
Ste 101
Hartford, CT 06103
tel: (860) 258-6940
fax: (860) 258-6958

Washington D.C.
702 Hart Senate Office Bldg.
Washington DC, 20510
tel: (202) 224-2823
fax: (202) 224-9673

 

The land of Oz

000; The Guardian, 8 April 2015;

“Today, Earth received message that the Mars expedition discovered fossil evidence for life on Mars. The fossilized remains of what appear to be a trilobite have led scientists to the startling conclusion that life in our solar system most likely originated somewhere else. On Earth, Nuclear weapons were used again by both Israel and Iran. Iran suffered the loss of its only carrier fleet, and Israel, as usual, suffered massive industrial and civilian losses. Accusations of Palestinian genocide have circulated microblogs, but the accounts have not been confirmed. Meanwhile, cyber-terrorists are purportedly carrying out sustained Distributed Denial of Service attacks on infrastructure points in Israel. Skeptics suggest that this is not the most likely scenario, and make the sound point that the Israeli government is profiting from what amounts to complete internet censorship.”

001; Berlin, 9 April 2015;

Seal Team 6 are a team of the most efficient killers on the face of the planet. Seal Team 6 does not take prisoners. Completely black helicopters, modified for stealth, maneuver into position over an apartment building outside of Berlin. Seal Team 6 chose tonight because it was especially dark. The group of cyber terrorists are inside, but Seal Team 6 does not know where. The cyber terrorists are responsible for all the internet outages in Israel, and they have orders to to kill every one of them on sight. There is a directive that Seal Team 6 takes very seriously. The confidentiality directive. Any witnesses will be killed on sight. As the assassins rappel onto the roof, an RPG strikes the side of the chopper and explodes like a flash of lightning. The helicopter rolls over, making a screaming, grinding noise, and some of the team are disintegrated by the rotor blades before the chopper pitches itself off the building. The first Seal to open fire is General Hugh F Krieger, who speaks German fluently and has 50lbs of thermite strapped to his belt. He scores a headshot, killing the boy who fired the RPG. “Geh kacken.”

General Krieger orders two men to stay on the roof and snipe anyone who flees from or approaches the apartment building. He leads the rest of his unwounded men into the only staircase in the building. Krieger rappels to the bottom of the staircase and opens fire on a fleeing family before he even hits the bottom. The other men shoot every man, woman, and child who don’t run straight into Krieger’s stream of bullets. The team quickly removes all computers and data storage devices. A message on the com lets the Seal team know the backup transport has arrived. Krieger throws off his belt and casually moves a few dead bodies so he can saunter his way up the stairs.

All the media will know is that the terrorists behind the internet outage in Israel are dead, and they enjoyed animated tentacle child porn while they lived. Of course, none of this is true.

002; Fairfax VA, 25 May 2015;

Greg Oz has created the most accurate model of the universe with a self-made bot-net. He lives in his mother’s basement, is only 25, and has improved physical theory more than Einstein or Newton. He never went to college but instead became a hacker. Greg’s dedicated his life to hacking. As consequence, he doesn’t appreciate anything that can’t be summed up in a tidy equation or bit of code. There is no credit even among his close friends, who regard him as an insane loner. Greg, known online as GoZ, fears the science community would never accept his findings because he doesn’t speak their language.

About a year ago, GoZ discovered that the “strings” from String Theory are roughly analogous with objects in object-oriented programming. An object in this sense is just a set of data and instructions for what to do with that data. Each string acts out a self-defined recursive process, as opposed to interacting with other strings. It is this discovery that allowed GoZ to begin modeling the universe accurately. Each bot is capable of rendering a single string. However, resolution decreases exponentially as the time dimension approaches the present. GoZ calls his software ‘Oz,’ and considers the approximation of our universe a creation of its own. In fact, it is possibly the greatest scientific achievement in the history of mankind. Still, ‘Oz’ is incomplete. Indications of life have either been beyond Oz’s resolution, or they are not included in the model to begin with. GoZ spends every waking hour desperately trying to find signs of life inside his fractal. It is this desperation that has led GoZ to recklessly over expand his bot-net.

GoZ has been transfixed by the news from the Mars expedition, and obsessed with trilobites. He has paid no attention to the events in the middle east. An idea strikes GoZ as he’s viewing computer generated illustrations of swimming trilobites. Perhaps life is a single set of instructions that were present in a single string, capable of copying itself to other strings. Oz needs the perfect meta-virus to be present in the moments directly after the big bang. These thoughts cause GoZ to close his eyes for a moment and enter a trance-like state. This state of mind is shattered by gunfire and his screaming mother. GoZ does not even open his eyes before he is shot dead in his greatest moment of transcendent enlightenment. General Krieger is his executioner.

The computers of GoZ end up in the hands of security specialist Aaron Braun, investigative analyst for Mithril Technologies. Aaron Braun finds images of the Earth in different geological periods, strange planets from other stars, and closeups of lifeless landscapes. Quite quickly, Aaron Braun decides that this dead hacker was no average cyber terrorist. He forwards the documents, including the majority of GoZ’s scientific findings, to his supervisor over a not entirely secure network.

003; Excerpt; The Mithril Leak, 19 June 2015;

“…Braun, we cannot allow the source of this discovery to be named because of the obvious security issues it encompasses. However, the levity of this discovery requires it end up in the hands of those who can benefit, i.e. Department of Defense. I will name you as my co-discoverer and we will never speak another word about Greg Oz. I believe I can sufficiently demonstrate a working knowledge of the theory behind his software, as can you. We will likely win the Nobel Prize in Physics for this, so let’s spend the next few months getting more acquainted with our little ‘discovery’ before we make the big announcement…”

Myers to Bachmann: UMAD? LOL

Apocalyptic imagery has officially become lame.

Rep. Michelle Bachmann has backed down from a debate with 16 year old Amy Myers. The beautiful and intelligent Ms. Myers is now the target of threats and insults, but the fact is that she has a nicer smile than Bachmann and doesn’t even look like a witch at all. The lulz Ms. Myers must be experiencing will probably become a life long addiction, but she’s smart enough to do something excellent with it.

Rep. Bachmann actively organizes classes in the Constitution for members of congress, but is not confident enough to face Ms. Myers in a debate on the subject. We all know that Michelle Bachmann is the whore. Michelle Bachmann is the one who’s had her career threatened.

Protip, Powerfags: Amy Myers knows more about the constitution than anyone, and can incinerate your career in a heartbeat. Back the fuck away, slowly, and let her take over before it’s too late.

Advertising campaign triggers 351st rapture

At midnight, May 21, 2011, families and clergy gathered into a church to pray for their salvation from the coming rapture. Their church was burned down by an insane man who believed he was “the angel of death.” Fox News is replaying a small clip from his now-blocked youTube account.

“I have triggered the rapture, for I am the angel of death. God has a message, and I am his messenger. All who burn will enter heaven.”

The advertising campaign that originated from Family Radio owner Harold Camping likely caused this man to go insane, and his insanity has gone viral. Reports of burning houses all over America  have become a self-reinforcing loop of terror, #trending on Twitter, seeded by sockpuppets hired by Harold Camping.  The waves of suicides have caused religious communities to panic, and the Pope issued this statement, in Latin:

“Burn yourselves and you will be sure to face eternal Hell and Damnation!”

An information war is raging between believers and skeptics of the Rapture. Skeptics have tossed out clothing, as a prank on the believers,  a threatening statement about the dangers of religion. Believers have put on their own miraculous youTube hoaxes which are much more convincing. Many depict strange UFO activity and people unexpectedly disappearing. As always, the best hoaxes have been put on by those who are just doing it for the lulz. The hoax-war is mostly canceling itself out, forcing people to further their belief in nothing, turning on-the-fence atheists into full-blown god hating baby rapists and on-the-fence rapturists into suicides.

Harold Camping has been arrested, and faces charges for committing genocide on the religious. In such a spiritually lacking and sickly paranoid culture built on a foundation of media, the effects of this kind of malignant fearmongering is beyond Camping’s wildest dreams. All prophecies are self-fulfilling, and this did not originate from Harold Camping. It started with the bible, the most enduring and effective meme in Western culture. Harold Camping has only played his part, as many before him have. Harold Camping has spent a fortune to convince the world to commit suicide. If you don’t die before the rapture, Harold Camping says you will be annihilated. This is much worse than hell, because you will completely cease to exist. Pretty girl, pretty pretty girl.

 

 

Stalking Brenda Song

Brenda SongBrenda Song is the fuckably-hot Asian girl from Disney’s Suite Life On Deck. Don’t ask why I was watching this because it won’t be covered in this article (click here for an explanation for why I watch Disney Channel at midnight).

In a flash of delusions insight, I thought, “I should stalk seek her out.” So I went on her website. Looks like somebody’s already one step ahead of me.

Some creep asking Brenda Song how best to stalk her
Location: UNKNOWN

But only one step ahead of me, though he clearly has his eye on the prize and puts my rapist ambitions to shame.

I found the above post on her message center (her guestbook). Believe it or not, it gets even better.

Brenda's Creeper
Just tell him where to mail it, Brenda.

I don’t even know what to say about this fellow. He posts faithfully, every day, and the screenshot you see here is his shortest post yet. By the progression of his messages, I predict total emotional collapse, coinciding conveniently with the Rapture set to take place Saturday.

And just when you thought the weirdness was too much to bear, this happened:

Brenda's Baby-Daddy
OK, now WTF

By this point, I just feel bad for Brenda Song. This guy Mickey – no relation to Disney’s cartoon mouse (I think) – has been trying to make their one-sided relationship work which, unbeknown to Brenda Song, appears broken beyond repair; all this, in spite of Mickey’s anticipation of their second love child (his words, not mine). Mick’s obsession appears to have lasted roughly two weeks, or the average amount of time necessary for a Hollywood stalker-rush to degenerate into angry masturbation.

The Suite Life On Deck is the reincarnation of Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, a show on the Disney Channel chronicling the misadventures of two latent-homosexual cousins.

After reading this, Brenda Song will resort to puritanical moderation of her website, before removing the comments section altogether.

END OF THE WORLD "CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH"

The End of the World is just around the corner, and for the first time ever, the  predictions are not met with fear, but hopeful optimism that they are true.

“I want to die,” said 53-year-old Jacob Bremaur, “and I want everyone I know to die a fiery death. I deserve a reward for living a good, forgiving life in the footsteps of Christ, and the sinners who live among us deserve to rot painfully in eternal hellfire – especially Noam Chomsky, for saying that bad stuff about George Bush.”

With a wink of his eye, Bremaur added, “See you there, George.”

News of the Rapture falls equally on the apathetic minds of a culture in which religion and spirituality take the backseat to sexting, iPods and electronic sex organs.

Stan Rosenstein, social scientist and professor emeritus of Sexual Psychology said most people will not notice their friends’ and families’ ascent into unending blissful peace, especially those closely following Nancy Grace’s coverage of the Casey Anthony case now in full swing.

“The whole world just doesn’t give a fuck,” said Rosenstein, “because for a baby-killer, that mom is hot as shit. Though I concede that she may not have been quite as pretty while smothering her baby with chloroform in the trunk of her car. But nobody’s perfect.”

The Religious Right will keep their eyes to the skies tomorrow, where Lebal Drocer, Inc. jets are scheduled to spell out in chemtrails the hourly countdown to eternal salvation – or damnation – depending on whether or not you read the Chronicle.SU