More Irrational Fears

  1. Spending half my time in the shower destroying evidence that I wiped our bar of soap across my mane of pubic hair.
  2. Worrying that when I smile someone believes I think I’m better than them.

Shaemarie Skaggs

Revival

By James K. Galloway

Shaemarie Skaggs
Tennessee artist Shaemarie Skaggs, cancer survivor, bites the filter off a Marlboro cigarette during a photo shoot at an industrial park in Clarksville.

Hoses dropped from a chemotherapy bag stretch around a rosary and into the blood-soaked needle-fed arm of Shaemarie Skaggs, whose hand clutches the withering flower of life.

It is just after sunset when I pull into the front yard of the budding Clarksville artist’s home. Clarksville, Tennessee is the worst town I’ve ever been to. The chance to interview an artist is a relief from the brown solitude that comes with living in a dry, burned-out military town. I wonder how creativity can flourish in a place like this. How can she?

As instructed, I call to inform Shaemarie that I have arrived and I approach her front door. It’s a beautiful McMansion nestled within a sloping subdivision. If I hadn’t seen the other homes driving in, I’d be inclined to believe it’s a real original piece of modern architecture. It is the same as the others if not slightly different. It is a floor plan. From up high, I can see the lights from Wal-Mart, Kroger and whatever else every town keeps along Commercial Avenue.

She says we can’t do the interview here – this is where she lives and takes care of her mother who recently suffered a stroke.

We drive around the neighborhood as I look for an exit out of Skaggs’ labyrinthine subdivision. Right away, she unfolds a picture of her arm with a rosary and chemotherapy supplies, and jumps right into explaining it to me.

“The bitch nurse fuckin' put a needle in my hand for painkillers – for morphine,” Shaemarie says, “And she didn't put it in my vein, so the morphine soaked in my hand and it would sting every time it pumped through. So I didn't have painkillers or I didn't feel right at all, and it hurt like a bitch.”

Pointing to her artwork, Skaggs tells the story as she’s told it countless times before. She says flatly during her chemotherapy treatments, this picture hung on her wall as an expression of her own humanity – but that she took joy from others’ reactions to it.

“The doctors would come in and freak out, and I thought it was really funny when they’d freak out and shit,” she says. “I like how I wrapped it around the cross because I just hate religion.”

Skaggs was diagnosed December 2009 with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a cancer originating from white blood cells. Shortly thereafter she drew a relatively simplistic self-portrait featuring peeled-back skin and decay of a long-haired vixen – a living corpse aware of her own mortality.

Shaemarie Skaggs
The lips, rotted away into a grimace of a smile, represent Skaggs' morbid imagination of herself as chemotherapy took hold.

“It was really bothersome, but that was the point,” she says, looking out the window of my truck as we sit at a stop light. Then came a long silence.

We are headed toward a spot with free wi-fi where Shaemarie says we’ll access more of her artwork. She changes the subject to me and my work. I oblige but keep it ground-level, explaining that I’m a writer and editor. While booming down Clarksville’s main drag to the finer cuts of Led Zeppelin II, the sexy young artist asks more specifically what else I do besides interviewing her.

I explain how I write politics and local government articles for the newspaper, which gets her onto the subject of President Barack Obama and the superficial similarities between his efforts and those of Franklin D. Roosevelt. FDR’s New Deal may have gotten us out of the Great Depression, but Skaggs believes Obama is an actor.

He’s trying to make it look good and doing this whole cover on it, like, ‘Oh, everything’s going to be fine,’ but really it’s starting to suck. It’s a fake aspect that he’s making everything look good but it’s not.

-Skaggs, on President Barack Obama

“He’s trying to make it look good and doing this whole cover on it, like, ‘Oh, everything’s going to be fine,’ but really it’s starting to suck. It’s a fake aspect that he’s making everything look good but it’s not.”

She says her grandfather was a lawyer for a Philippine president while his daughter spied against him, causing controversy within her family and within the nation. She says her pursuit of liberal arts made her a black sheep when everyone else went into politics or has an “amazing job” as educators and government employees.

“It’s because we [Skaggs and her sister] are liberal and – ‘Fuck the government’,” says Skaggs, “And because we grew up in a stern family and we’re just like anti-everything.”

By now, we’ve reached our Internet source where Shaemarie discovers she can find specific Tumblr compositions through a simple Google search. She exclaims, “Google is a fucking creeper!”

Skaggs is exceptionally proud of one of her pieces of writing, which was reblogged by a website called The Whiskey Monologues and subsequently reviewed by its followers. The piece is about a drunken night of indiscriminate sex with an unnamed lover, notable for its sensual, emotive language and highly-revealing self-analysis midway through the exposé on passion itself.

Shaemarie Skaggs enjoys a cigarette
While shooting at an abandoned industrial site, Skaggs informs me that she is in remission and healthy, in spite of a nasty cough acquired as a result of her smoking habit.

Shaemarie is forever affected by cancer, emotionally if not physically. Skaggs’ friend, Cara Roman, who she called “a fiesty little thing,” died July 2010 after a four-year battle with leukemia.

“She was my friend before I got cancer, I used to visit her all the time. And then one day I showed up to her hospital room and told her I have cancer. We both cried. I was the only one who spoke at her funeral. She was the closest person I had. She was so alive.”

Shaemarie says she will seek a liberal arts degree from Austin Peay State University but for the time being cares for her ailing mother at their shared home in suburban Clarksville.

Like a flash in a pan, the blinking of an eye, a star’s lifespan and all the time in the sky – Shaemarie Skaggs taught me that expression is only as beautiful as the time we have to appreciate it. That memories last as long as we can remember them, lest we mark them down.

On a long enough timeline, all things are finite, no matter what efforts we as human beings make to archive, categorize and chisel them into stone. On a short-enough timeline, all things last forever.

So do we.

That cyberterrorism's gonna destroy America

I don’t get why we gotta be using these damn computers anyway. Especially if some jerkoff kids are gonna be hackin’ into my webcam and watchin’ me all hours of the night.

Orderin’ illegal gun modifications that I HAVE A RIGHT TO from the 2nd amendment is great, but what good does it do ME when they just gonna hack all my paypal money anyway. God damn!

Every time I get that “host migration” in calla duty, I swear, it’s them damn hackers. Ever since they roont PSN for a whole month, hackas be damned! I know theyre fuckin with erything they can. Any of them yeller bastards want to come up down this holler I got my guns ready and loaded, safety ALWAYS off. Don’t none of them have the balls to come try to unplug my playstation ‘cept hidin in some damn bASEMENT.

Next thing you know they gonna hack into that damn muslim presidents cell phone, and by god if he don’t deserve it. Thing is, they gonna hack up a message to the god damned world that makes us look like fools, way worse than that pale little Julien Ass-anj and his Wikaleaks. Soon as they hack that, anyways, things gonna come tumblin down.

Damn good thing I’m a country boy.

Dangerous chemicals discovered in organic food

All these chemicals in our food explain the diarrhea we've been experiencing.

Chronicle.SU hired an independent chemistry lab to test food products for dangerous chemicals. When the lab results came back, we were forced to completely reevaluate our individual diets.

The lab tests showed that nearly 80% of all food consumed by the modern human contains dangerous chemicals from the monosaccharide and polysaccharide families. Pectin, dextran, agar, and xanthan were present in dangerously high levels. We tested organic foods and the levels were even higher.

Even more shocking are the insanely dangerous levels of Oxidane in every single beverage analyzed. Oxidane is a powerful solvent used in nuclear power plants. The trendy health drink Kombucha was found to have such high levels of Oxidane that the lab technicians declared it completely unfit for consumption.

“Do not drink Kombucha. It is completely tainted with Oxidane” ~ Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

The deadly chemical Dihydrogen Monoxide was also found in soft drinks, bottled water, and children’s fruit boxes. In excess quantities, Dihydrogen Monoxide will lead to spontaneous death by suffocation, blocking oxygen absorption in the lungs.

The meat industry has secretly kept the pervasive presence of Phenalalinine in their products a secret. Phenalalinine is extremely deadly and is used to make the sweet tasting rat poison Aspartame.

Perhaps the most shocking chemical that we discovered is ethanol. Alarmingly high percentages of ethanol are found in liquor and beer, and this chemical is a major component of VX nerve gas. VX gas is the most dangerous nerve agent ever discovered, and is recognized as a weapon of mass destruction by the United Nations. And it’s in all our alcoholic beverages!

HEY GUESS WHAT? MORE WAR!

Here’s the shit CNN won’t report

It’s not Kim Kardashian. It’s not Casey Anthony’s dead little baby. It’s not even Weiner’s dick. Nope. It’s another fucking WAR!

In April, the lying United States President Barack Obama said there are “no boots on the ground” in Libya but we reported there certainly are “shoes on the ground.” And boots. America continues its oil campaign through the desert as Obama prepares to declare war on Libya, who is currently already at war with itself.

Obama wants in on dat

Obama submitted a 34-page document to House Speaker John Boehner in support of all-out war on Libya. Lawsuits are being prepared against the administration which is currently engaged in illegal acts of war inside the oil-controlled nation of Libya, and Obama was required to justify his weird acts of war.

Many Americans will not even ask the question “Why not Syria?” where cold-blooded slayings of innocent, unarmed protesters take place as you read this – because Americans smart enough to ask that question are smart enough to know America’s role is not to spread Democracy, but to keep its own oil prices low.

The rest of the American public allow warmongering to continue because 98% of them are kept ignorant by corporate media and their own lazy, noninquisitive lifestyles; they probably just assume it’s all good in the ‘hood as long as their reality TV shows don’t exhibit signs of political polarization.

The U.S. State Department is considering lifting its ban on women in combat roles. This is likely less in the interest of women’s rights, and more because they don’t have enough meat in the field to sustain four simultaneous wars. Libya can expect a flood of women’s rights, where women will soon be found legally behind the gun pointed at your terrorist sand-nigger children.

Germany couldn’t warmonger on half the fronts we do but we’ll pull it off, because America’s number 1.

Chronicle.SU reporter Old Brutus called the CNN tipline to let them know Obama submitted to Congress what he said is a “legal basis for war” on Libya. Brutus assumed they had not yet learned of the development since they were broadcasting stories about Angelina Jolie and people having a hard time playing golf.

Old Brutus called the New York City CNN tip-line to make them aware of the news but could only speak to a machine. He left the following message:

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/message-from-old-brutus-to-cnn1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus’ message to CNN]

Then, dissatisfied and wishing to speak with a human being, Old Brutus called the Atlanta, Ga. headquarters where computers have not yet assumed oppressive control over the flow of information. In Ga. it recently became legal for women to work, so a girl answered the phone.

She said she was not aware of the President’s justification for war on Libya to Congress, and forwarded him to the same tip-line he called to reach her. While holding, Brutus quickly plugged his voice recorder back into his hyper-encrypted landline handset and recorded the following conversation:

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/tip-line1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus submits a news tip to CNN]

Elf Wax Media Ethics Analyst Billiam Falshe, who is glued constantly to CNN and supports their every move, was available for comment. Shortly before increasing the volume on his television, Falshe had this to say:

We like pretty dead babys with pretty mothers. We don’t like ugly sand-niggers blown to pieces by our political hate machine.

In the news today:

  • Someone injured during an angelina jolie visit to bumfuck nowhere
  • John Boehner plays golf “under pressure” [editor’s note: Boehner is scheduled to play golf with the President, who Boehner asked to submit a proposal for his thus-far-illegal war on Libya. *Gasp!* I wonder what they will they talk about?]
  • A new battlefront! [oh, between republicans and democrats]
  • For at least 30 minutes, Casey Anthony’s trial dominated BOTH CNN channels
  • Sarah Palin, for some reason

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Lulz Lizards Invade the InterT00bz

Today, LulzSec released a manifesto on PasteBin outlining a more sophisticated set of motives. Like all posts on PasteBin, to trust it would be idiotic. It was the thousandth tweet spectacular, and the Lulz forever died. Us Lulz Lizards at Chronicle.SU would like to weigh in on these lofty statements from our pirate friends at LulzSec.

There seems to be an underground sect of Lulz Lizards crawling through the grimiest internet t00bz, ready to do anything for a quick laugh. The lizards will log onto your Facebook, masturbate to your girlfriend, and then tell her you are into choking children. At the Chronicle, we completely understand this phenomenon and report on it daily. By reporting on it, we have ourselves become somewhat acclimated to crawling through the Lulz Lizard t00bz and have covered ourselves in /b/ period blood.

That said, LulzSec knows what we filthy lizards want. We want to see people rage, we want to see their relationships burn, we want their houses flooded with unwanted pizza and distress. We are Anonymous. We do not Forgive. We do not Forget. Expect us to fap when we’re done.

The manifesto made one startling statement that broke with LulzSec tradition. In the past, they would only hold back releases because of their love for Sega Dreamcast. That is no longer true. Today they did it to prove an important and meaningful point. Dear God, what has come of LulzSec?!?!

“We’re sitting on 200,000 Brink users right now that we never gave out. It might make you feel safe knowing we told you, so that Brink users may change their passwords. What if we hadn’t told you? No one would be aware of this theft, and we’d have a fresh 200,000 peons to abuse, completely unaware of a breach.”

Let me take a second to wash my hands of all this multi-colored period blood. You could have been doing this all along, but instead you’ve gleefully fed the Lulz Lizards. We don’t blame you for knowing what they want, because we want it too. We enjoyed seeing the pathetic lizards scramble around for your scraps.

Now that you’ve shown you’re capable of taking the boring moral high ground like post-Cablegate Anonymous, it’s all downhill from here. Maybe the Government Hate Lizards will take it a little easier on you, now that you’ve shown a kind of regretful cultural awareness and a shred of morality. The Lulz Lizards will not!

You are yesterday’s Lulz, bitches!

Internet "Not Anonymous Enough" for CHRONICLE Writer Old Brutus

Ol’ B

In a trend that appears to be sweeping the Chronicle.SU, resident columnist and editor Old Brutus has reportedly snubbed fame and left the Internet, saying true anonymity can not be achieved online. “Fuck that NSA Octopus,” he said.

Fuck that NSA Octopus!

-Old Brutus

But anonymity is not the mysterious writer’s only motivation for leaving the Web in exchange for newspapers.

Old Brutus, who recently discovered the Deepnet, or Dark Net, shut down his laptop Tuesday, saying, “That’s it. I’ve seen the entire Internet. I’m done.”

When asked what he plans to do in the absence of 4chan and its bottomless supply of jailbait, Old Brutus told the Chronicle this:

There ain’t shit out there for me that I ain’t already seen. Child porn? Hell, I was havin’ sex before I knew what sex was. My best friend had to tell me what me and his sister had just done together. Bomb-manufacturing? Shit, the Anarchist Handbook is just copied and pasted from the annals of Chronicle.SU! DRUGS AND BITCOINS? NIGGA, I HELPED APPERSON ‘N PICKARD MAKE THE WORLD’S SUPPLY OF LYSERGIC ACID DIETHYLAMIDE OUT OF AN ABANDONED MISSILE SOLO TILL TWINNY OT FO’!”

Indeed, Old Brutus is a man of many worlds whose “dick don’t never go down.” Sources indicate he has regressed to the use of a 1972 IBM Selectric typewriter and pleasures himself via phone sex while looking through a window into his neighbor’s yard.

Old Brutus can be found busking on the streets of Asheville, North Carolina, like a bum, for marijuana and dollar bills – or whatever you will give him. Toenail clippings and old receipts have uses, he said, but refused to go into detail about what those uses may be.

The Chronicle remains staffed largely by psy-operatives and cyber-intelligence officials who hate your freedom. Our CIA-enhanced pseudo-intellectual framework of satirical propagandist innuendo promises to continue subverting your ideology and feeding upon the very fears which we nurture inside each and every one of you. Now read. It’s okay. Read.

Loving endorsements from the omnipotent Lebal Drocer, Inc. ensure that the Chronicle will never die, but in fact absorb all weaker publications, such as pravda.ru, anonnews.org and Roanoke Revolution.

In related news, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to announce its acquisition of roanoke revolution dot com. We hope you will enjoy the bland mediocrity of a culture where depth is only a measurement of the polluted river upon which it was founded.

Mega-exclusive interview with Lulz Security

LulzSec sailed their LulzBoat into public waters today and Chronicle.SU reached them for comment. “Welcome to the bot-net!” exclaimed the limey young hackers. “You jelly of AnonNews, Chronicle?” After they revealed their British heritage, LulzSec mockingly adopted a French moniker, Pierre Dubois.

“Chronicle.SU Lies!” ~ LulzSec

The truth of the matter is that a mouthful of Farmhouse bread with Cucumbers is the secret to the hacking skills of LulzSec. A simple Google search led us to the village of Essendon in Hertfordshire, UK, which is surely the home of Lulz Security. One member of LulzSec claimed his father was NATO’s Rapporteur Lord Joplin, author of the general report on information and national security. Final proof that LulzSec is a government project.

Claiming that “reckless” is not a word in their vocabulary, LulzSec was hesitant to comment on their recent bitcoin profits. When accused of pilfering from bitcoin pools, LulzSec admitted that only pirates like themselves would do such a thing. LulzSec has been extorting online business owners, stealing coins from pools, or mining their own. They are most likely doing all three things at once, among others we cannot even imagine.

As promised! Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec, and LulzSec Delivers!

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/LS1100671.mp3|titles=Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec and they make an amazing revelation about the j35t3r!]

Goodbye Internet

Hey folks. Media Mogul here.

I’ll be taking a long break from the Internet starting tomorrow morning and lasting until ????. I don’t give a shit about you and we won’t miss each other.

Enjoy your pornography, reddit and bitcoins.

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Buy a child today!

Editor’s note: Media Mogul won’t be seeing this, then!

A man's life in these parts often depends on a mere scrap of information.