Thursday, fans came out to the Grandin Theater to catch the premiere of Charles Cullen’s low budget holiday horror, Slaughter Claus. Among them, Chronicle.SU film expert Ronny Nitro was on hand to offer his in-depth insight into the mind of Charles Cullen.
After paying five dollars for the cheapest ticket to a film premiere in the entire history of the world, no one could even be bothered to tear the ticket. The lights dimmed and the theater grew quiet with anticipation. Four extremely similar trailers for Charles Cullen’s next movie scorched the minds of the audience with repetitive clips from the same handful of scenes. The audience applauded wildly for each separate trailer. Then Slaughter Claus debuted, and the crowd roared its jubliation.
A freakishly entertained man floated around in front of footage of a roller derby match, the green screen effect so abjectly implemented as to defy all description. Outside the roller rink, this crippled man continued his insane and torturous praise of the roller derby he just attended, as he inched his walker forward, pausing, and then pushing forward again. A ground shot showed the walker gliding along without pause. Then a shot of the walker moving, pausing, and moving. And then back to the ground shot with the unstopping walker. Charles Cullen tortured the audience with this purposeful error until the pain of watching became absolutely unbearable. Then Slaughterclaus appeared, gladly fulfilling the spiteful and violent urges created by such shitty film making. By the end of the scene, the man was a tiny fraction of a head and part of a torso all but smeared across miles of pavement.
“There’s a Santa Claus, and there’s a Slaughter Claus. That’s all there is to it, and once again, I’ll probably get tagged as a genius or something like that.”
There was no set dressing, awful costumes, no remotely believable special effects, almost no passable acting, and uncountable inconsistencies. Halfway through the film, the pace of the movie broke down and became ten thousand times more torturous. An unbelievably cheerful couple awkwardly baked cookies, and projectile vomited what looked like muddy urine into a sink for nearly a half an hour. Then two men arrived with lawn darts, and stood in the doorway for what felt like another half an hour. These men disappeared into thin air and Slaughter Claus killed the fuck out of that family with lawn darts. The movie segued into a Charles Cullen music video replete with terrible green screen shots of lawn darts flying around the house. Another cripple, this time in a wheelchair, was killed by a foam sledgehammer that kept falling apart and magically reconstructing itself between shots.
The following is behind-the-scenes footage where Charles Cullen oversells the amount of kills in Slaughter Claus, and falsely claims that it is “not a thinker.”
Charles Cullen’s films can be purchased from the baby fuckers at Amazon by following this link, although we only recommend Boogieman, Cullen’s first and best movie.
Thursday– Shoenice, who released a new video every hour and updated his Facebook wall an average of twenty two times per hour, has just eaten one entire can of Crisco, two tablespoons of BBs from a gun, and a whole bottle of cinnamon. After crusading for Facebook followers, YouTube subscribers, and even Skype friends, Shoenice proceeded to play peekaboo to an audience of three hundred people who have only just met him and not yet realized he is the human trashcan that eats everything.
Shoenice is a nice man on a nice mission to save his nice children from poverty by becoming rich and famous on youtube, and since you read it here, that means it is working out alright. Except that his body has become a steady pipeline of hate.
SHOENICE22 is willing to eat almost anything, and makes a point of eating everything as quickly as possible. He does not seem to fear cancer-causing agents, and will eat anything short of heart-stopping medicine. Shoenice never blinks, because he once put super glue in his eyes and that is how real men cope with divorce. He is constantly rerencing the riches his fame is about to bring him. As of this exact moment, his videos top quadrillions of views, surpassing all other YouTube videos in number of hits. The Chronicle anticipates the trials of Shoenice will soon be picked up by network television and sponsored by US war machine manufacturer Lockheed Martin.
“Hell yeah, I’d watch that shit. It would be like Fear Factor without the fear.”
While facts demonstrate Shoenice is the greatest thing TV never built, detractors claim he “suffers” from an “extreme” case of Pica, exacerbated by the attention he gets on the internet. Shoenice, however, claimed he does not suffer from Pica and iterated Pica is not something he can eat and therefore does not exist, except only in theory. Shoenice bills himself as a comedian, filling his videos with wisecracks but at the same time sprinkling in clever allusions to his personal problems such as his recent divorce.
“He has a great personality. And a divorce.”
“HERE COMES SHOENICE TO EAT YO MOFO SCREEN BITCHES. AND HE’S THERE. IT IS AWESOME. WHENEVER I CLICK HTTP://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/SHOENICE22 I GET THE EYES FULL OF JOY AND A RAGING KILLER BONER.”
Shoenice has been in the comedy eating game for a long time. In one video, he recalled eating many Tampons as a young boy and later during high school. “It opened up in my throat like an umbrella, and when my mom was yanking on that string with my head between her legs, she knew she gave birth to something special.”
SHOENICE WILL YOU PLEASE EAT A VIDEO OF YOURSELF EATING A VIDEO OF YOURSELF PLEASE? I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WOULD DO THAT BUT YOU ARE CREATIVE AND CAN SURELY THINK OF SOMETHING.
After reviewing tapes of the acts, Chronicle Legal Aide and Psychoanalytic Analyst Jeff Shepard concluded Shoenice is not a danger to himself or society, but added “Shoenice is quite charming in a disturbing way, causing viewers laugh their ass off while being completely and utterly nauseated beyond belief. Strangely, Shoenice appears to almost always wear the exact same shirt and baseball cap, covering the shame of his bald head while highlighting his beautiful, nonfunctioning eyes.”
Shoenice loves drugs, which is nice. We would do any amount of cocaine with this man and most of us don’t even like cocaine. Meanwhile he could enlighten us to the consequences of giving oral sex to an underage girl with a yeast infection.
Teen idol and Hanna Montana star, Miley Cyrus, announced today that she is two months pregnant with Australian actor Liam Hemsworth’s child. Cyrus held a special press conference in Los Angeles, taking time to emphasize the importance of safe sex and abstinence for teens. When asked by a reporter if her pregnancy was planned, Cyrus said only, “Me and Liam are happy for this unexpected blessing.”
Miley likely succumbed to her baser instincts after using Salvia Divinorum, a legal drug which is known to cause innocent young women to crave sexual intercourse. Numerous reports of Miley’s prolific Salvia use have surfaced in the past, such as this video of her taking a bong rip.
Miley’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus was not present at his daughter’s press conference, and when questioned about his daughter’s pregnancy via Twitter, Cyrus tweeted the following:
Miley’s shocking announcement comes on the heels of an unprecedented move by health secretary, Kathleen Sibelius, banning over the counter sales of the “morning after pill” to girls under the age of 17. For all the young women out there dealing with rampant Salvia abuse and images of “creampies” fetishized by the media, this news is decidedly terrible.
George Ouzounian, failed blogger and former telemarketer, recently released his second book, I am Better than your Kids. For the past few years, Ouzounian has pored over thousands of children’s drawings to find the worst examples for this new book, which basically sucks dick. Maddox, as he is also known, is himself a terrible artist who refuses to use anything more advanced than MS Paint for his shitty web site which looks like it was designed in North Korea.
To promote a re-release of his first book, The Alphabet of Manliness “Extended Edition”, Maddox created what is possibly the gayest and most poorly drawn animation of all time.
There’s only a few reasons why Maddox would have released an extended version of his book, all of which make him look like a complete cunt. Perhaps the first iteration lost a ton of money for Amazon, the corporation that caved to government pressure and wouldn’t host WikiLeaks. Damn Maddox, do you hate freedom? I wouldn’t be caught dead making deals with those baby fuckers. Then again, maybe Maddox was just inspired by George Lucas and decided to milk his stupid fans out of a little more cash. Fuck his Muslim ass. This pitiful animation clearly demonstrates how piss poor Maddox is at everything. Unsurprisingly, he’s failed at just about everything he’s ever done. Oh, that is of course except for making fun of children’s art.
In 2006, Maddox did a two hour talk radio program for Maxim Radio on Sirius which failed miserably. Maddox created a YouTube series, and I would embed it here if it wasn’t so absolutely unbearable to listen to his snide, shitty, monotone voice deliver emotionless rants at breakneck speed. More recently, he worked on a reality television show for Spike TV which also failed miserably. Hey Maddox, maybe you should think about going back to telemarketing.
Maddox is so fucking anti-vegetarian I got the impression he eats nothing but meat. But in a recent blog post, Maddox wrote that he didn’t like steak, fried seafood, fried chicken, ribs, hamburgers, or deli meat. I can only conclude that Maddox subsides only from ingesting his own steaming piles of shit, slathered with generous amounts hot sauce to make him feel less like a pussy.
Awww, was little Maddox belittled by his father? It inspired him to do so much better, and just look at him now, appearing on local television wearing cheap costumes. How special.
When I was a fucking kid, me and a couple of friends made a few calls and discovered George’s phone number, which we immediately called. He tried to deny he was Maddox for a few seconds, but that lie was too transparent for us, even though we were children. Turns out Maddox is only smarter than some kids, and we were not among them. Maddox asked us what we wanted and we kindly asked for a case of beer, which he agreed to give us. Maddox never delivered, because he is a stupid shit-eating liar. So is Maddox really better than our children? He can’t draw any better than most kids and he can’t even get a lie past a couple of teens making a prank call. Maddox, you owe us a case of beer you monumental pussy.
Everything the Jester was once known for has been taken away. He has been castrated by Apache developers, posted an embarrassing music video which encompasses his feelings toward small children, and is now shitting himself in fear of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.
Recently, I met th3j35t3r in Barrett Brown’s empty tinychat room, where he bragged about taking the Chronicle down for a few days. Which is true, he did: by running a simple script against BlueHost, who we paid to host the Chronicle, he caused one of their servers to seize up and a whole bunch of their clientele’s websites went down with chronicle.su. And when I met him, he had just “quit hacking” – supposedly on a whim, so before I left him in there, I was sure to point out the true reason the attacks stopped:
The script Jester used to attack us – and many others – is now obsolete since Apache developers updated their software. No big deal, just a little update and web hosts everywhere are fine again. We updated and now we are fine. But the Jester’s afraid BlueHost and Lebal Drocer are pissed off about it. And he’s probably right. Sure, maybe we provoked him, but this is what happens when you attack the 1%. They do not forgive. They do not forget. So just because he took us down in August doesn’t mean our old host doesn’t want their fucking money now.
Take one quick moment to absorb our small victory, for we have beaten the Jester at his own silly game. You see, the Jester is a terrorist. His goal is to create terror. For example, he wants to chill our speech – by attacking our site, he hoped to make us afraid to write. Obviously, that didn’t happen. But now he’s afraid that our team of lawyers are coming after him in the name of Lebal Drocer, Inc. [Editor’s note: Fact is, he attacked us on shared hosting, on one of the largest webhosts in the world. Did “the jester” really think Bluehost would tolerate him downing thousands of clients’ sites at once?]
What a cowardly bitch. He took everything down, including his picture of the cease-and-desist order they sent him. That means Bluehost actually knows the identity of “the jester.” But we don’t, and neither do you. Still, we can characterize him for you anyway, using all the information we do have.
Who is th3j35t3r?
The Jester, a known pedophile, is an otherwise sexless man – a “script kiddie” that somehow figured out he could bloat up outdated Apache servers to uselessness. This is achieved by holding a large number of connections open with the server at one time. He is a longtime fan of the Insane Clown Posse, who eroded his creativity before it ever had a chance to bloom. Having no web design skills, his only alternative was to destroy. So he went to “work.” But who to attack?
Over time, the fatass Jesterfag became so well known for torturing Urdu (language) Islamic website owners, he became widely recognized as the world’s most likely hacker to vote a third time for Bush and Cheney.
Later on, as he gained Twitter followers, he took on feelings of Unwarranted Self-Importance and pretended to harbor political convictions after the mainstream media assassinated Wikileaks for being better at journalism than them.
He soon claimed attacks on Wikileaks, as well as the Westboro Baptist Church of Trolling Art.
But he fucked up when I provoked him to attack us. If you’ve been reading up till this point, you know how: he took my bait, ultimately unleashing a ravenous team of coked up Lebal Drocer lawyers who seek to hunt him down like a runaway slave – they are on so much cocaine they’re representing the web hosts of jihadists.
The Jester thought he could bitch and complain to our host that we were running profanity and “slandering” his fake name. [ Editor’s note: libel is written. Slander is spoken. ] But he doesn’t know about the law and how there are no laws which protect false identities from libel.
If the Jester read more, he might have learned the laws before making an ass out of himself. But books are for faggots. Still, he is willing to pull Steinbeck quotes from wikiquote. #pseudointellectual#pedophile
Steinbeck wrote about the Great Depression – a time when men were men, and you didn’t fuck with other people’s accounts unless they were fucking with your moonshine operation. But if you did, you learned the hard way not to. The Jester, too, will learn.