US GOVERNMENT detaining anyone who calls them fascist

Accusatory reporters are being arrested to prove how fascist the government is not becoming
[Terrorist] arrested after criticizing [wonderful] things America is doing to [protect our freedom].

Washington– An executive decision passed down by United States President Barack Hussein Obama ordered the arrest of blog owners and activists who insist fascism is creeping in.

Widespread criticism of the Obama Administration appeared after the extrajudicial killing of Anwar al-Awlaki, an American citizen in Yemen, and Obama’s decision to indefinitely detain American citizens thought to be in support of terrorist organizations such as the Taliban,, and Al Qaeda. political analysts believe the Presidency is nothing more than a facade to conceal the evils of unchecked corporate oligarchy. Mike Levitz, Lead Social Engineer behind, said because there is no social responsibility to match the ravenous spread of currency into politics, “America’s just resorting to fascism.”

In response, President Obama reportedly announced, “I’ll show them what fascism is.”

American organizations such as are being infiltrated by social engineers the likes of which Ronald Reagan and all his malls, and all their security guards could never imagine. Secret agents are sent out to determine the exact means by which they can classify undesirable entities, like Wikileaks or, as “terrorist” in the hopes of coercing Google to erase their appearances among search results.

Chronicle Lead Expert on nothing-in-particular Marty Collins disappeared with agents in dark suits Friday afternoon and failed to report back in Monday. He is presumed dead, or worse.

This message brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
They will never take us alive.

Nutritionist declares recent poop a success

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur enjoyed a “soft, but firm” poop Thursday.

In what might have otherwise been an uneventful bowel movement, Chronicle nutritionist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur noticed a peculiar softness and consistency in Thursday’s stool, such that he was moved to turn around and declare the specimen “a major success.”

“A major success.”

Dr. Troubedaur said he was thumbing a medical journal when he recognized what he called “true anal progress.” Troubedauer explained, “I was just sitting there [on the ceramic throne] minding my own business, thumbing through a medical journal when I detected with my sphincter a consistency most desirable in human waste. Yes sir, this poop was a major success.”

Dr. Troubedaur described the poop as brown in color with the consistency of “a snake sliding through the grass,” which then “crept stealthily into the water.” Dr. Troubedaur said he was relieved to report the noted absence of a splash, because he dislikes the sensation of cold dirty toilet water lapping at his butthole. “After a good poop, [cold water in your ass] just feels like a bad joke,” he added.

Dr. Troubedaur said he anticipates a fifteen follow-up wiping session “that could lead to a shower” in order to avoid wasting more toilet paper.

Gamer retires from life as time consuming Diablo III career takes off

Jim Hannahan
Jim Hannahan, pictured during his last known public appearance, smiles comfortably just outside the wretched clutches of a long and rewarding Diablo III career.

Roanoke, Va.– 28-year-old Kroger clerk Jim Hannahan stopped going into work when he realized being a cashier at the supermarket was not only beneath a level 60 Legendary Monk, but cut directly into game time.

What at first he believed might be a rough transition came more naturally than expected, Jim said. “I used to just play it in my spare time,” he explained, “but then I found myself abandoning heavy responsibilities like work and nutrition. Now I’m peeing in bottles and setting them by the desk. I just dump ’em out later, whenever I’m in town.”

What began as a casual hobby gradually assumed full time control of area man Jim’s coping mechanisms, creeping into his sex drive and profoundly changing his habits among regular society. There is no longer a facet of Jim’s life Diablo III does not touch.

While experts suggest Jim suffers from depression and social anxiety, others aspire to his achievements, which are logged indefinitely at his profile, BabyDust#1662, on the servers.

Tommy Sellers, 14, purchased Diablo III on release day but, because of school and extracurricular activities his parents “forced him into,” he is only level 52 on the Hell difficulty setting. Tommy expressed a desire to drop more time consuming activities like baseball and French Club in order to play Diablo III (Game of the Year) and eat Hot Pockets, a wonderful product. “Jimmy’s already on Inferno pushing the devil back into the underworld,” said Tommy, “and here I am learning French like a sap – like a fucking faggot. All I’m learning in French class is surrender – to my parents! I wish I didn’t have to do anything so I could just go up to my room and play Diablo III forever. I hate my fucking bitch mom.”

One night, out of nowhere, Jim woke up the whole neighborhood, bellowing ‘YOU CAN’T FUCKING HEAL ME!?’

To fully engage Diablo III, Jim takes dietary supplements for nourishment and has resorted to daily intake of Baby Dust Pills, a tremendous product, in order to release aggression through masturbation. Jim said dying all the time is not only costly monetarily, but causes unhealthy spikes in blood pressure followed by “inexplicable” heart palpitations and crying fits.

“Jim’s in a world of pain he’s just going to have to fight his way out of, alongside Barbarians and Demon Hunters.”

Tammy Hannahan, Jim’s mother

A friend close to Jim, who asked that she remain Anonymous, said he is prone to sudden outbursts between long stretches of tomb-like silence. “One night, out of nowhere, Jim woke up the whole neighborhood, bellowing ‘YOU CAN’T FUCKING HEAL ME!?’ at the NPC [non-playable character] following him around. I said, ‘Jim, they can’t hear you!’ and he didn’t respond, not a word. He just kept shaking his head, and clicking. Oh, the clicking!”

Jim Hannahan has not expressed plans to go back to work, because playing Diablo III, dying repeatedly and farming for gold, he said, “feels enough like work already.”

Taco Bell employee derives pleasure from serving you

my pleasure
"It is also my pleasure to clean up after you, and mop where you miss, when you piss. Mypleasurepleasedrivearound."

This is the story of Tony Hoagland, and countless others like himself, whose pleasure it is to serve up Taco Bell products to your ever-widening asses.

A carload of Taco Bell patrons order Gorditas and authentic Mexican Dorito Shell Taco Supremes through a box in the menu. The driver half-heartedly thanks the loudspeaker as he reaches for his wallet. “My pleasure,” grunts the box. The people in the car look at each other, and back at the driver, who mouths the words ‘my pleasure’ as he creeps up to the drive-thru window. Tony Hoagland, 27, reaches out to accept the man’s bills and, without smiling, asks if he would like any sauce. Hoagland can barely contain his joy, but after serving hard time for involuntary manslaughter, he is known to keep a good pokerface.

Hoagland enjoys serving customers so much, in fact, that he can not wait for their responses before he can relate his feelings to them, so he pours out all thoughts at once.

“That’ll be twelve o seven please pull aroun’ and thankyoumypleasure.”

His manager explained: To the untrained ear, it sounds like he’s just used to saying it four hundred times per day, for eleven hours straight. But to seasoned beef specialist Erin McMahue, Hoagland’s heart is clearly in it. “He just really wants people to recognize the pleasure he and thousands of Taco Bell associates deal with on an hourly basis, at hourly base pay.”

Taco Bell, McMahue explained, is all about the customer, and as much as the customer enjoys passing Taco Bell products through his or her repleted digestive system, the pleasure belongs mainly to the employees who serve them, who have said ‘my pleasure’ so many times the sensation of pleasure is no longer recognizable and – should it arise – may bring with it other familiar feelings, such as fear and contempt.

Taco Bell employees are reckoned by physician Dr. Langstrom H. Troubedauer to be the most pleasure-sensitive breed of Americans in the Western Hemisphere, surpassing Army wives, plastic surgeons, “even porn stars.”

Fireworks dot com

Well kiddos, I’ve been to both HELL and HEAVEN, so here’s what I have to report. Listen up, because this is important!

  • Anonymous is NOT the “final boss” of the Internet.
  • The Internet is actually NOT a video game.
  • If you take everything you read seriously, you might end up starting a cult.
  • Starting cults is so easy a caveman could do it.
  • Controlling and influencing others is fun only for masochists.
  • Suzie the Floozie IS actually a prophetess.
  • Being a jerk will only get the respect of other jerks, and that’s not worth much.
  • Hate is just love for jerks.
  • The world’s a hall of mirrors which will deeply disturb serial jerks.
  • Even funny lies can hurt people.
  • There’s probably no right and wrong, but there are nightmares.
  • If you find yourself constantly rationalizing your own behavior, you will have nightmares.
  • Being a hero is for idiots and cartoon characters. Do you really want to be a cartoon character?
  • Pretending to be your hero makes you look like an idiot.
  • Apologizing makes you look like an idiot.
  • A hell of a lot of people are in love with death and don’t even know it.
  • If you think people are out to get you, you probably think you’re way too important.
  • Lay down with the fleas, and you’ll turn into a dog.
  • “God” was created in your image, so she/he’s really a joke. “Real” nonetheless.
  • There are plenty of people out there who will gladly spend immense amounts of time teaching you these lessons the hard way, if necessary.
Aaaaaaand there ya go

A Song of Ice and Fire Conclusion Leaked by UGNazi

Anonymous hackers from UGNazi have infiltrated Geroge R. R. Martin’s personal computer and found a rough draft of the next two installments in the Song of Ice and Fire series made famous by the HBO Game of Thrones Series. I have had the pleasure of reading these manuscripts in full. Spoilers are as follow:

  • Jon Snow is actually not the son of Eddard Stark, but rather of Rhaegar Targaryen. He dies at the end of A Dance with Dragons, but then enters a complex state of semi-death just as his uncle Benjen Stark did.
  • Jon Snow believes he is in command of the undead Wildlings, and Daenarys believes she is in command of her own dragons.
  • Jojen is dead. Bran Stark ate part of Jojen in the paste of Weirwood seeds.
  • Stannis becomes the new “Reek” for Ramsay Bolton.
  • Bran is actually in control of the hordes of undead Wildlings invading Westeros during the Winter.
  • Bran uses the walkers and whites to rain hellish destruction upon the Lannisters and other enemies of the Starks, but is temporarily thwarted by the dragons of Daenarys before taking partial control of those as well.
  • Daenarys gains the throne, but only after melting Winterfell into a smoldering ruin.
  • Jon dies a second time in a fiery confrontation with Melisandre.
  • Patchface uses powers granted to him by the Drowned God to help Arya find the Red Priests.
  • Arya answers the prayers of Westeros, which call for the death of all the Red Priests. Her newly gained powers from the cult of the Many Faced God penetrates their glammers, and she sees each Red Priest as a hideous monster. She kills them with Needle, but never reunites with Jon Snow.
  • Arya’s mission traumatizes her and she returns to the temple of the Many Faced God and prays for her own death. Her prayers are granted.
  • Tyrion falls in love with Penny and marries her, only to reunite with Tysha that very evening.
  • Jamie lied to Tyrion, and Tysha really was a whore. “Hands of Gold are always Cold.”
  • Jamie is killed by Catelyn’s evil reanimated corpse.
  • Cersei commits suicide by throwing herself into an angry mob.
  • All the pivotal characters then die in a single bloody battle. Some are revived by magic and the rest of the deaths are just lies spread by Varys.
  • Tyrion stabs Varys to death.
  • Eddard is also revived as a warrior skeleton and reunites with evil zombie Catelyn.
  • Eddard and Catelyn have another marriage, at which Jamie is revived just so Eddard can kill him to drink his blood.
  • Theon marries Asha and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
  • Sansa marries Petyr Baelish and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
  • Victarion returns from Valyria, also marries Asha, and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
  • Victarion is revived, marries Daenarys, and Jon Snow east his face off at the wedding.
  • Oberyn Martell is revived and marries Daenarys. Jon Snow eats Oberyn’s face off at the wedding.
  • Barristan Selmey is revived and marries Daenarys. Jon Snow eats Barristan’s face off at the wedding.
  • Daenarys figures out the pattern and marries Jon Snow. Catelyn and Eddard eat both of their faces off at the wedding.
  • The series is not actually over, and there are at least 3 more books planned.

Luka Rocco Magnotta framed by enemies

Luka Magnotta wrongly accused by Canadian authorities
Luka Magnotta, seen here not eating a corpse

“I want my Pomeranian back.”
– Magnotta

Canadian Playboy Luka Magnotta, famous for his controversial worldviews and love of necrophilia, was wrongly accused by Canadian Mounties as being the star killer of a viral snuff film in which a Chinese student is brutally suffocated and stabbed to death with an ice pick, by an unknown killer.

The full video features the grizzly murder of a nude male Chinese national. The person in the video, who is not Magnotta, is seen dismembering, eating, and committing violent sexual acts upon the motionless, Communist corpse. In a gesture of goodwill, the individual’s body parts were later packaged and sent to Canadian political figures as thanks for fixing the economy and appropriate handling of G-20 protesters.

CHRONICLE UPDATE: BERLIN– Sources confirmed Magnotta was taken in Monday by the Gestapo. He has not been seen since.

In his own words, Magnotta explains that he was framed and the police have the wrong person, and that he wants his Pomeranian back:

“Killed who? Magnotta chance in hell!”

th3j35t3r brings the heat down on Wounded Warriors

UGNazi's leader: Dana White?

Self-styled “Patriot hacktivist for good,” th3j35t3r, has famously used his platform as a criminal vigilante to solicit donations for the Wounded Warrior Project. The Wounded Warrior Project came under attack early Friday morning from a possible Anonymous splinter group known as UGNazi, which insistently denies any affiliation with Anonymous.

Critics of th3j35t3r suggest that using such highly controversial and illegal acts of vigilantism to promote the Wounded Warrior Project is not appropriate, and most soldiers would not approve if they were aware. However, the Wounded Warrior Project has indeed thanked th3j35t3r for his support in the past, possibly unaware they may have jeopardized the safety of their own web presence by doing so.

Although the story is still developing, it is important to note that UGNazi did not, in fact, attack the Wounded Warrior Project’s actual donation page. Predictably, th3j35t3r has accused UGNazi of an alliance with Anonymous and has promised reprisal, as vigilante law dictates.